I had planned making Christmas dinner and had a list. My partner is incredibly helpful and while I was out of the kitchen he decided to peel some potatoes. I came back in and tried to hold it in. He put some loud music on which was difficult as I was already heightened. I tried to keep it in. I was trying to see the bigger picture "he's helping / all he has done is peel some potatoes".
I tried to hold it in but couldn't. I tried to approach it with him "its not you at all as I know you were helping , it's just the situation and i inow its the AS" but basically lost my *** (in a toned down way).
I was trying to work out why. Maybe lack of control (I was already feeling apprehensive about today....and so I needed control to mitigate the anxiety) or this went against what was in "The Plan", I wondered if it was some element of me wanting everything to be right (perfectionism) and so it has to adhere to my plan.
I work on thsee sorts of things as personal development every day of my life and usually can get round it but today I couldn't. I tried to rationalise it (hes just helping / bigger picture) but it didn't make it better. I knew I'd erupt but I just needed to get it out. I tried my best not to direct it at him but at the situation.
My partner said he could sense over the past few days something like this would happen. We are very attuned to each other. I felt in a strange mood yesterday and a bit this morning. I knew it's cos I couldn't have Christmas day like last year which was 100% on my terms cos of lockdown. After it happened I felt awful and kept apologising.
I didn't think I had meltdowns so find it hard to identify and don't think I usually have them. But I think losing my *** at someone helping me prepare dinner is an example and also there was some masking going on as I tried to keep it in and tone it down.
