Autistic camouflaging/masking paper

Thank you. I read with much interest.

Masking is a concept I've struggled with. I like to think that I just bumble about life being me and could not quite conceive of this "mask" I sometimes took off at the door. I cheerfully sat in my assessment and said I didn't think I did that.

But it seems masks are only sometimes stuff consciously done to fit it. I can see now it's also the alternative strategies used to navigate the social world; all the ones I thought everybody used before I learned NTs have other mysterious means of knowing what's going on around them and what to do with it. Doesn't mean you are necessarily 'play acting' your way through life, does it?

I realise this is a little researched area, but this makes clear now that 'masking' is a range of approaches, not all of them are conscious and not all of them involving a different face to the world as such.

I get it now. My strategies work, but they are hard work. No wonder I get tired.

I am sure that some of the strategies described in the paper are also used by neurotypicals in situations where they feel socially anxious. However, there are a number that are autistic-specific, and, of course, autistic people are socially anxious far more frequently. A much greater proportion of the strategizing employed by autistics is conscious and intellectually-based than is the case for neurotypicals. As you say, all this effort makes socialising disproportionately tiring for us.

I think everyone masks, for sure. But I think for autistic people it's for different reasons that I can't quite put my finger on. Yesterday while with others I don't know that well and in an unfamiliar and noisy setting, I had to summon energy within to answer some questions about myself (they were fired at me as soon as we arrived and I didn't really have time to settle in) then I spent the rest of the day listening to what others were telling me. I engaged in snippets but on the whole spent a lot of the time with either peole telling me stuff or me just listening to other conversations. So I didn't really engage in much back and forth conversation but no one probably realised this.

I felt like I was monitoring my level of eye contact, responses (verbally andf facially) so that they were acceptable (ie looking like I'm interested and following along).This is a cognitive process which goes on behind the scenes. Alongside being in an unfamiliar and very noisy environment. A smile and casual laughing goes a long way. I've known these people a long time but it has never got past the superficial conversation level. I'm more than happy in these circumstances just to be able to "get by" and with that I don't even know what I mean. (edit - I think it means i'm not that bothered about forging anything past the superficial but although very nice, they are not my type of people anyway). I lean on my partner a lot. This seems to be when I don't know how to respond or haven't fully pieced together what it is that is being talked about. I have felt like this even before I knew about the AS. I'm so used to masking, it only occured to me in the past year or so that I can escape to the bathroom without even needing to use the toilet.

My insights are always bang on :-P

I think your insights are bang on with some people. The small p 'political' types change their face to match their audience. I think it has something to do with their ego needs. At worst, they can be manipulating others around them - those are the ones to stay clear of. Most decent souls just don't reveal everything in groups, but if they are telling you one on one, it's because they trust and value you.

I do find it difficult when someone says something to me but then in a group they will contradict themselves on what they told only me. I've never commented on it aloud though but its noticeable to me. Of course people are allowed to change their opinions but I feel they contradict because of the social situation (either to stand apart from others so they appear "better" or to fit in with others) so this may be a type of non-AS masking. Also i feel people make mountains out of molehills so they apoear more favourable or to get a bigger response when to me they seem to make a big deal out of nothing. Just riffing here now!

One to one is better but there's no one else to keep the conversation going so it still can be taxing. I'm lucky that my friends are very interesting, chatty people. 

Yes, people are different one on one and in groups. Most of my friendships are built one on one. That's when NTs are more likely to be totally open. It's not so much that they let their mask slip so much as being more inclined to show more or all of themselves - I think. And it's easy enough for me to engage with only one conversational partner.

In groups, I suspect there are things they don't show about themselves. I suspect they select the bits they want to show. Maybe it's our failure to judge why they show what and when that has some of us oversharing in the wrong context sometimes - dunno. Just musing out loud here to work it out.

Of course  NTs do have masks too. We know politicians do - but that's a phenomenon intended to deceive and a whole other ball game I don't like.

I don't have a group of friends as such but on the rare occasions we have met up as a 3 or 4, I do find myself mostly just listening and observing. On the times we do come together I feel they behave differently to when I see them individually. Everything becomes a competition.  I too am happy on the periphery. I'm generally a liked person anyway. I used to think that not speaking much meant I wasn't part of the conversation. But my partner said last year if I am actively listening then I'm very much part of the conversation. That was a bit of a revelation!

With people who are not my type...I'm still struggling on that one. I'm so used to masking I don't think I make excuses to leave.  I don't really tend to surround myself with people who are not my type though - if they are it's circumstancial.

I too struggle with multiple threads. It's also difficult when people's attention is diverted like when there kids there. It seemed thr other day that conversations wouldn't actually finish. It's hard to keep track of when things change and sometimes I feel a step behind.

Re masking and thr social event above...With my new found knowledge of AS I consciously used their pet dog as a way to disengage with everything going on around me. They probably thought I loved their dog but I could take it or leave it.  I don't think I've conciously done that sort of thing before cos I've been so used to masking, even though that behaviour in itself is probably a form of masking.

Your description of football is very similar to how it was for me.  Now I could kick a ball straight and do lots of fancy stuff with the ball but when it came to playing as part of a team I had no clue at all.  So I always got picked at first then got quickly sidelined when they realised I was hopeless.  Of course I didn’t know why at the time.

Oddly I am good at pairs games like badminton where the tactics are definable and logical though I lack a strong desire to win which hinders me at times

Hmmm...got me pondering what I do in pub situations now. With close friends, it's fine. If the group is small I fully participate (not sure what, if any adjustments I make. They're my mates and used to me and my quirks anyway). If the group is large, I find I struggle to follow the pace of the conversation and the multiplying threads. I'm happy on the perifery though just being among friends.

With acquaintances who are not really my type...I'd be polite but probably excuse myself to go do something else rather than feign interest.

Trying to think through those situations systematically now to check myself.

Hmmm...got me pondering what I do in pub situations now. With close friends, it's fine. If the group is small I fully participate (not sure what, if any adjustments I make. They're my mates and used to me and my quirks anyway). If the group is large, I find I struggle to follow the pace of the conversation and the multiplying threads. I'm happy on the perifery though just being among friends.

With acquaintances who are not really my type...I'd be polite but probably excuse myself to go do something else rather than feign interest.

Trying to think through those situations systematically now to check myself.

My insights are always bang on :-P

I think your insights are bang on with some people. The small p 'political' types change their face to match their audience. I think it has something to do with their ego needs. At worst, they can be manipulating others around them - those are the ones to stay clear of. Most decent souls just don't reveal everything in groups, but if they are telling you one on one, it's because they trust and value you.

I do find it difficult when someone says something to me but then in a group they will contradict themselves on what they told only me. I've never commented on it aloud though but its noticeable to me. Of course people are allowed to change their opinions but I feel they contradict because of the social situation (either to stand apart from others so they appear "better" or to fit in with others) so this may be a type of non-AS masking. Also i feel people make mountains out of molehills so they apoear more favourable or to get a bigger response when to me they seem to make a big deal out of nothing. Just riffing here now!

One to one is better but there's no one else to keep the conversation going so it still can be taxing. I'm lucky that my friends are very interesting, chatty people. 

Yes, people are different one on one and in groups. Most of my friendships are built one on one. That's when NTs are more likely to be totally open. It's not so much that they let their mask slip so much as being more inclined to show more or all of themselves - I think. And it's easy enough for me to engage with only one conversational partner.

In groups, I suspect there are things they don't show about themselves. I suspect they select the bits they want to show. Maybe it's our failure to judge why they show what and when that has some of us oversharing in the wrong context sometimes - dunno. Just musing out loud here to work it out.

Of course  NTs do have masks too. We know politicians do - but that's a phenomenon intended to deceive and a whole other ball game I don't like.

I don't have a group of friends as such but on the rare occasions we have met up as a 3 or 4, I do find myself mostly just listening and observing. On the times we do come together I feel they behave differently to when I see them individually. Everything becomes a competition.  I too am happy on the periphery. I'm generally a liked person anyway. I used to think that not speaking much meant I wasn't part of the conversation. But my partner said last year if I am actively listening then I'm very much part of the conversation. That was a bit of a revelation!

With people who are not my type...I'm still struggling on that one. I'm so used to masking I don't think I make excuses to leave.  I don't really tend to surround myself with people who are not my type though - if they are it's circumstancial.

I too struggle with multiple threads. It's also difficult when people's attention is diverted like when there kids there. It seemed thr other day that conversations wouldn't actually finish. It's hard to keep track of when things change and sometimes I feel a step behind.

Re masking and thr social event above...With my new found knowledge of AS I consciously used their pet dog as a way to disengage with everything going on around me. They probably thought I loved their dog but I could take it or leave it.  I don't think I've conciously done that sort of thing before cos I've been so used to masking, even though that behaviour in itself is probably a form of masking.