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Undiagnosed but sexual difficulties explained by ASD?

AlexC83

I’m a male in my mid-30s and wondering seriously If I’ve somehow hid that I’m autistic, even from myself, since birth. I’ve heard recent examples of Melanie Sykes and Christine McGuinness and they’re stories of having masked things their entire lives. I’m male, but feel like I can relate to the stories about women who’ve masked it until adulthood. My son was diagnosed ASD earlier this year too. I saw that in him when he was very young. But never thought I might be on the high-functioning end until recently. Since having the thought, and researching more about it, it makes so much sense. I’ve always felt ‘different’, although I appear to fit in very well in lots of environments. I doubt a diagnosis would come easily.

But I’ve got one specific issue that I’m not sure is a trait or not. I’ve not come across much about it on here or anywhere online. And it’s to do with sex. I don’t feel like a typical male when it comes to sex and never have.

I’ve always felt I’ve had a lower than average sex drive. I was never comfortable with casual relationships and avoided getting too close to anyone. I wanted to lose my virginity just because it was expected. But I used to get so drunk that I couldn’t perform. Or I’d end up making any more sober experiences all about them enjoying it. So, by the time I met my now wife, I was totally confident I was technically good in bed, without having a clue what I liked or needed. 

Years down the line, I doubt my wife had concerns about our sex life because I’m so in tune with what she needs, but I still have trouble letting go with her. I don’t really like her trying to return the favour. Things were fine when neither of us wanted kids. But once we were married and it came time for us to try, I found the pressure to do what’s needed to actually make kids totally overwhelming. It was a huge stress for me. I couldn’t relax and do what most men can presumably do every time. 

I thought this was just a quirk, and something that wasn’t really an issue. But with hindsight I’m now wondering if my inability to enjoy sensual touch from her, or anyone before, could actually be a sensory thing? And my inability to let go and give up control in that way could be an autistic thing? 

I don’t know if this might resonate with anyone else, but I’m at the stage where I thought I’d throw it out there in case this is another sign of quite a few that I might be autistic too.

  • in reply to Desmond79

    I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re ok now.

  • I was abused as a boy, which also makes me fear sex. Though, to be honest, I would have been taken advantage of if I was in a relationship in my twenties. 

  • in reply to AlexC83

    Glad it was helpful. I do hope you come through your rocky patch. 

  • in reply to Dawn

    Thanks for replying!

    I’ve always found it hard to talk about what I want (from life, but especially sex!). But when I think about it the answer is probably:

    Anything which is about me helping her feel pleasure - LOVE IT! I feel like all my senses are outwardly focused and gauging reactions (which ironically is how I think I cope socially as an adult too). And I genuinely love and enjoy giving that pleasure to her (and to previous partners). I’ve always been good at it too, because I researched how to be good in bed before even having kissed anyone (with hindsight, another possible ASD sign!)

    Anything which is her helping me feel pleasure - ARGH NO! It’s scary and uncomfortable and I can’t seem to relax and feel what I think I expect everyone else feels from that. I also can’t talk whilst trying to focus on relaxing and enjoying (which doesn’t work anyway), so can’t answer if she asks if I’m enjoying it in the moment. I’m fine if I’m in control of my own pleasure, which is how any bedroom activities end when I can tell she’d like me to feel the same pleasure as her.

    I think I’ve also been scared to come across as weird by talking to her about it out of the bedroom. So I just pretend I’m fine and there’s no issue. But I’ve done that a lot in loads of other ways in my life.

    We’re going through a very rocky patch at the moment - so can’t really talk to her about it. But your reply has definitely helped me understand my possible sensory issues further. Thanks!

  • Hiya,

    Yes, a lot of men mask too and don't realise that's what they've been doing all their lives. Women might well be more prone to do that, but we don't have a monopoly on the people studying skills that enable us to analyse, rather than feel, our way to social competence. I have a self-diagnosed male friend, who certainly cultivated that as a coping strategy all his life. If you decide to go for a diagnosis you just need an assessor with experience in the more subtle presentations of autism. If it's there, they find it.

    As for sex, well, many people ND or NT, under pressure to perform to the ovulation clock will find that a little unromantic to the point of strain. But, that aside; yes! Sex is a sensual experience and therefore you would expect your particular sensory profile to play out in your response to sex.

    Many people with autism have high sex drives, many others are completely asexual. I won't go into it but I'm sure that's the reason some bedroom activities are great for me while others, rated highly by many, do nothing for me at all.

    I do think it's lovely that you put so much effort into what pleases your wife. Lucky lady. Maybe just be honest with her about what you like and what you don't and why you think it's like that for you.

  • Hi , thank you for sharing your experience with the online community. You may like to look at our information about autism spectrum disorders:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism 

    If you were interested in finding out if you are on the autism spectrum, you would need to have a formal diagnostic assessment. You may find it useful to have a look at the following link for further information about diagnosis and the benefits of getting one: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis 

    Furthermore, it is important the professional you see has experience of autism spectrum disorders. You can find details of diagnostic services on our Autism Services Directory in the Assessment and diagnosis section: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/directory 

    In terms of your questions around sex, I would recommend that you use the search button on the top right of the page to find what members of the community have said about it in other threads. There have been a number of posts on this topic over the years, which may be helpful.

    You may also benefit from some counselling. If you were interested in it (NHS & private), you may like to have a look on the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory under ‘Health & Counsellors’.  

    If there are no counsellors in your area on the directory, you may like to try the links suggested at end of this webpage: 

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/strategies-and-interventions/strategies-and-interventions/counselling#H2_6 

    I hope this helps.

    Best wishes,

    Anna Mod