I’m a male in my mid-30s and wondering seriously If I’ve somehow hid that I’m autistic, even from myself, since birth. I’ve heard recent examples of Melanie Sykes and Christine McGuinness and they’re stories of having masked things their entire lives. I’m male, but feel like I can relate to the stories about women who’ve masked it until adulthood. My son was diagnosed ASD earlier this year too. I saw that in him when he was very young. But never thought I might be on the high-functioning end until recently. Since having the thought, and researching more about it, it makes so much sense. I’ve always felt ‘different’, although I appear to fit in very well in lots of environments. I doubt a diagnosis would come easily.
But I’ve got one specific issue that I’m not sure is a trait or not. I’ve not come across much about it on here or anywhere online. And it’s to do with sex. I don’t feel like a typical male when it comes to sex and never have.
I’ve always felt I’ve had a lower than average sex drive. I was never comfortable with casual relationships and avoided getting too close to anyone. I wanted to lose my virginity just because it was expected. But I used to get so drunk that I couldn’t perform. Or I’d end up making any more sober experiences all about them enjoying it. So, by the time I met my now wife, I was totally confident I was technically good in bed, without having a clue what I liked or needed.
Years down the line, I doubt my wife had concerns about our sex life because I’m so in tune with what she needs, but I still have trouble letting go with her. I don’t really like her trying to return the favour. Things were fine when neither of us wanted kids. But once we were married and it came time for us to try, I found the pressure to do what’s needed to actually make kids totally overwhelming. It was a huge stress for me. I couldn’t relax and do what most men can presumably do every time.
I thought this was just a quirk, and something that wasn’t really an issue. But with hindsight I’m now wondering if my inability to enjoy sensual touch from her, or anyone before, could actually be a sensory thing? And my inability to let go and give up control in that way could be an autistic thing?
I don’t know if this might resonate with anyone else, but I’m at the stage where I thought I’d throw it out there in case this is another sign of quite a few that I might be autistic too.