I did my first post a couple of weeks ago and spilled my guts.
I have been reading a lot and everything finally fits into place.
I am undiagnosed, but if I’m not autistic I would be very surprised. I have been keeping my wife updated every day as to what I can do and what makes me very anxious and what makes my skin crawl. She is still getting her head around me, as I’ve stopped masking with her after 35 years which isn’t easy. I’ve put her through hell and have only dropped my guard to her as to why I can’t be with strangers.
I told my eldest son last weekend as we went to visit him about 4 hours away from us. He has a first class degree with honours from Oxford University in Philosophy, I restore cars and can’t believe he is my son.
I have ruined so many occasions, I can remember some Christmas days, the children wanted me to play with them, I couldn’t, I put earphones on to escape, no one noticed that?
I apologised for ruining his graduation, there was a lot of people and noise. I told him what I feel I am.
I told him that I’m not looking for a cure, just an answer.
His answer was there isn’t a cure father, as you don’t have a disease, You have a condition. My graduation wasn’t an issue.
It has been a lot for my wife, but she has noticed that I am starting to sleep at night, and we now have a code word for when we are with others and I need to leave. I’ve done so much to harm all those around me as I never new the reason why I always felt different, anxious, angry and lost.
I have booked an appointment with my doctor to try and explain my last 50 years plus of never fitting in.
This site is helping me so much as I find social media very evil and judgmental.
I feel safe here as nobody judges, just positive thoughts.
Thank you all for your help.
