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Lost years of mother daughter relationship

Bramble

I really struggle at this time of year because it is when my mum died. 

My mum died in my 20s, this was before I got my autism diagnosis. I have worked through a lot of the difficulties as a result of diagnosis as an adult and I see my diagnosis as a really positive experience, however the thing I really get stuck on is a kind of regret that I didn't get the diagnosis when I was younger because I think the understanding would have helped my relationship particularly with my mum. I always got the sense that we both really wanted to connect with each other better but just couldn't work out how to do that. I think the understanding I have now as a result of my autism diagnosis could have really helped this.

It consumes my thoughts at this time of year and I find it really hard to distract myself from it. It almost feels like am grieving not only for my mother but also for the lost years that could have been different if I had had my diagnosis. Can anyone relate/ offer any advice?

Parents

  • That's hard but you can't blame yourself.  One of the things about ASD is that if you don't know, you don't know.  As you say, when you get a diagnosis you can manage your life from a more informed base. 

    I got mine in my 60s and have very similar thoughts.  My mother is now in her mid 90s and her health is as you would expect for someone of that age. I constantly revisit the issue of whether to tell her.  Our relationship is OK-ish but has been distant over the decades.  She was as sharp as a tack until welll into old age but at this stage I'm not sure she'd grasp it, because it's a complicated issue not well understood by that generation.   

    My father died in 2018 and I think I could have handled things with him a lot better if I'd known.  It's academic because I was diagnosed a few months ago but he definitely wouldn't have taken it in, in the latter stages of his life, even if the option had been there to tell him.     

    But you can't 'what if' situations relating to pre-diagnosis.  The whole 'past regrets' issue is common for perople with ASD so you aren't alone in your feelings.  

    I can absolutely relate.  Sadly, I have no easy answers to offer.  

  • in reply to PersonAnon

    That was so helpful thank you. 

    Even to know that someone relates and you are absolutely right that I can't 'what if' situations relating to my pre-diagnosis because the reality is that I don't know for sure how things would have been even if I had known. It is likely things would still have been tricky as we were essentially very different neuro-types.

    Thanks for your  reply Slight smile

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  • in reply to PersonAnon

    That was so helpful thank you. 

    Even to know that someone relates and you are absolutely right that I can't 'what if' situations relating to my pre-diagnosis because the reality is that I don't know for sure how things would have been even if I had known. It is likely things would still have been tricky as we were essentially very different neuro-types.

    Thanks for your  reply Slight smile

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