Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve slightly opened my prison door. I wouldn’t say I’m fully liberated. Not yet. Hopefully soon.
I’ve realised that I’m fine. I’m fine being me. Deep down I knew it all along but I kept denying it.
I’ve spent years trying to get rid of my anxiety, trying to be “like other people”, hiding in the shadows so nobody knows who I really am.
Even after diagnosis I kept looking for solutions how to fix myself.
But I don’t have to.
I’m going to allow myself to wear earplugs and sunglasses instead of going through CBT, trying to get rid of “public places anxiety”. I’m going to admit that I can’t hear people at all over the background noise. Wear earplugs at work instead of being angry at people listening to the radio. Admit that I’m not the best at conversations but it doesn’t mean I don’t care. And I’m going to be completely open about my diagnosis because why not? I’m going to wear silly clothes because I want to. I don’t need to blend in. And I’m not going to worry about possible meltdown in public anymore.
If people stare or won’t like it - so what?
I’m not here to make everyone happy and comfortable.
If they accept me - great, if not f*** them, I don’t have to accept everyone either.
I’m going to accept that sometimes I will be anxious and stressed.
And not accepted and talked behind my back or laughed at.
And it might hurt me.
But that’s ok.
Because it doesn’t really matter if I won’t let it matter.
I’ve been hiding for too long.
I’m done.
That's the spirit. Good for you! No one will ever find a life living in a cupboard.
I'm recently diagnosed. I have another colleague diagnosed some years ago as an adult. We're both just being 'loud and proud' about it. Folks will take us or leave us as they will, so what? And as my friend says, if we're open about it and do well, we can inspire others who might not yet be so relaxed and confident being on the spectrum AND being totally themselves.
I do know what you mean though. There is a whole pile of stuff in life that has been more of a struggle for me than others and there I was just concluding I ought to be able to do all these things because everyone else found it easy, and then trying harder, demanding more and more of myself... if only, I'd known why it was tough. I'd still have been trying as hard, but MY way, not the NT way.