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Dating/ finding love

NAS76171

I got diagnosed with ADHD and Aspergers Syndrome at around 10/11 years of age. Due to family issues I decided in my early teens to stop taking medication and since I felt like others had it way worse I figured I wasn't that affected. However now at 27 I'm starting to think more than ever that I've simply ignored it for too long, blaming issues or bad days on others. Social situations haven't always been my strong suit, have gotten better over the years but a romantic relationship has always seemed daunting to me. My longest relationship had only been 9 months and I don't believe I've ever felt love so I don't know how it is supposed to feel. I have met a woman recently who is not my usual safe type who shares all my common interests yet from day 1 we were attracted to each other. She makes me laugh and seems to understand me more deeply than others have, however very early on I felt the familiar feeling of guilt and anxiety of not liking her, which has happened with every potential partner in the past unless they hurt me before that could occur. My dilemma is that I can see what an amazing woman she is and deserves the absolute best, and I'm struggling to think of reasons why we shouldn't be together yet this feeling has brought me down so much it's affected my motivation and appetite. If anyone at all has ever felt this way or been in this situation I would love to hear your opinion or how you coped with it all, any advice from anyone would be amazing. Just to know if anyone else had felt like this before would help me massively, for it's making me feel like I'm the only one like this and I'm not my biggest fan right now.

  • It will be difficult to make a relationship work if you don't really like your partner, or don't like them enough.  You probably know that deep down.

    You might be too keen to make it work with any woman that you connect with, instead of waiting to try with one you do like, because its better than being alone.

    Its a good idea to let someone go when you realise you don't really like them, or like them enough, and that's a skill to learn.

  • in reply to ☕Tassimo ☕

    Pray tone3 I completely agree. That's why sustaining a "healthy" relationship of any kind requires a mental readiness and for your soul to be kind of settled.

    otherwise, it's a completely free market

    I despise overtly toxic, overly needy relationships as you can tell they're insincere and are solely based on insecurities and manipulation. it's a good idea to understand yourself before trying to live your life alongside a whole other person. I think a lot of people are desperate to be together forever, and rush into love -which ruins its intention. going with your gut and how you feel in your heart and body will probably always give the best outcome (instead of being stuck in the head - which is easier said than done, and why I can't find with ANYONE)

  • I think I relate to you. You don't want to let an objectively good thing go, nor do you want force it.

    I've done both. In a good relationship where I was happy and felt understood for once in my life, I look back wondering why I ended it, and realise it was some kind of imposter complex. I did not know I was autistic at the time and constantly just thinking - "I'm too much trouble for this kind of thing" and "this relationship is too much trouble for me too". Its weird that 6 years in retrospect, I believe that's the one and only time I've been in love so far. But I wasn't ready to deal with it at all. And I was very disconnected from my own feelings.

    In a terrible and toxic relationship, I wanted to "go with the flow" and not "overthink" it into oblivion. So ironically, I made a conscious effort to stay with that person way past the expiration date, trying to wait until I magically felt love.

    I think you can only find the sweet spot when your mind and soul are at peace and in the right place. Otherwise, the relationship will just feel like an unfortunately heavy load. I'm kind of chilling being single and just appreciating myself. Being dependent on other people for my satisfaction has gotten very boring over the past few years. I have not ever been ready to be in any of the relationships I've been in. They just happened to me because I was feeling like letting my defences down. But they've taught me a lot about myself, and I treasure the anecdotes and data of it all lol. That's all I can really say!!

  • You are a not alone.  I've had 2 long term relationships but my issues with affection have led to them breaking down. Ive just come out of my latest relationship and at this stage I don't see myself finding love again.  I've tried to focus on other things, like hobbies and friendships.  Just keep going and the best thing is to communicate your thoughts, worries and insecurities.  Good luck.

  • NAS76171 said:
    however very early on I felt the familiar feeling of guilt and anxiety of not liking her

    Just like drug addicts use drugs to mask their inner unhappiness, humans use relationships for the same reason. The moment an addict shoots the drug into their veins, they're happy, but then it wears off and they are filled with guilt, remorse and cravings—and then they hate the drug.  How we feel about the people in our lives changes too from moment to moment.  We like people when we think they are fulfilling our needs, but when we think they've stopped meeting our needs, we dislike them.  Disliking anything goes against our true nature and feels uncomfortable. So when we dislike someone or something, it makes us feel bad and then we feel guilty about it. 

    The only way to be at peace is to live in the present moment and accept our feelings as they come and go, and to be able to know that when we like or dislike, it has nothing to do with anything or anyone in the outside world, but it's actually a reaction to our own thoughts about the outside world. 

    The world and everything can only ever be a mirror, reflecting back to us our thoughts and feelings so that we can accept, understand and heal ourselves. No one ever tells us this, because few people have seen the truth, and so we are all swept away in the insanity of liking and disliking outwardly, needing and craving outwardly, and always missing the real reason for our happiness and unhappiness: our own thoughts.