Supporting an autistic spouse - help and advice wanted

Hey,

My partner (X) is query autistic. A lot of what you have said really resonated with me. X's mum sought out a diagnosis when he was around 2, however she was told it was because she's a working mum. So she was put off of taking it any further. 

I am X's first proper girlfriend. I'm a third year student paramedic and immediately started noticing things that pointed me in the direction of thinking he's autistic. I brought this up with him after about a year, he rejected the idea for a few months, and is still trying to come to terms with it now but is also fully of the mindset that he is on the spectrum. The initial hurdle seemed to be that autism, for lack of better words, looked a certain way to him and that he wasn't different enough to fit into that category. However with time, he's come to appreciate the spectrum of ways that autism can present itself in. 

Another thing that really helped was research. X is severely dyslexic, so didn't like to hunt for information himself but was happy for me to get a further grasp on it and then translate the information to him in a way that he understood. This has given me a direction that I've now become very passionate about, for example I'm writing my dissertation on autism amongst ambulance staff. I have found that it's really helped me to understand why he does things the way he does and how to therefore support him. 

X is also very good at masking, he's been in the army for over a year now (this is the reason he doesn't want to seek an official diagnosis). At work he finds that he doesn't get the support he sometimes needs because he hides how much he's struggling with something. This can reciprocate at home, where he'll internalise something until he starts to stim quite severely. I'll ask him what's going on but don't push too hard, if he's ready at that point to talk he'll open up. Sometimes he'll bring something up completely out of the blue that's clearly been playing on his mind. I think the main thing is that they know you are there for them when they want to talk.

I have a few techniques for when X is stimming or overwhelmed, but am constantly trying new ones. What works will be different for everyone. With X I find the following to help: weighted blankets; indirect touching, for example through clothing so that it isn't skin to skin; creating small circles with my finger on the inside of his wrist; letting him do whatever activity he finds calming in that moment; counting up and down slowly from ten; giving him space when he needs it and by having a specific get out jail free word for when we're out and he wants to go.

You've probably already subconsciously made adaptations to work with her since you've been together for a while. Adding a label has probably just made you more aware of it and what both of you are doing. A diagnosis doesn't change who she is, she's been diagnosed because that's already how she was.

People believing that X is autistic has also stressed him out. His mum was very supportive and almost found it reassuring that there was reasoning behind the abnormal behaviors she identified as he was growing up. His sister still denies it, it's almost like "I've known him his whole life, surely I would have known", but I think with time and an increased understanding this will change. It hasn't affected their relationship but she does struggle with some of his autistic traits, she has severe anxiety it often upsets her and causes arguments when he isn't able to empathise with her or accidentally says the wrong thing. His best friend, who he grew up with, has an autistic brother. His friend's reaction was "that explains why you get on so well with my brother" and he started to really recognise it in X. How people react will always vary based on their personal experiences. Some people might even have thought she was on the spectrum but didn't want to say anything. Try not to take it too personally, and just take it one person at a time.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Being with an AT is an unique experience in itself, so make sure to also look after yourself.

Hey,

My partner (X) is query autistic. A lot of what you have said really resonated with me. X's mum sought out a diagnosis when he was around 2, however she was told it was because she's a working mum. So she was put off of taking it any further. 

I am X's first proper girlfriend. I'm a third year student paramedic and immediately started noticing things that pointed me in the direction of thinking he's autistic. I brought this up with him after about a year, he rejected the idea for a few months, and is still trying to come to terms with it now but is also fully of the mindset that he is on the spectrum. The initial hurdle seemed to be that autism, for lack of better words, looked a certain way to him and that he wasn't different enough to fit into that category. However with time, he's come to appreciate the spectrum of ways that autism can present itself in. 

Another thing that really helped was research. X is severely dyslexic, so didn't like to hunt for information himself but was happy for me to get a further grasp on it and then translate the information to him in a way that he understood. This has given me a direction that I've now become very passionate about, for example I'm writing my dissertation on autism amongst ambulance staff. I have found that it's really helped me to understand why he does things the way he does and how to therefore support him. 

X is also very good at masking, he's been in the army for over a year now (this is the reason he doesn't want to seek an official diagnosis). At work he finds that he doesn't get the support he sometimes needs because he hides how much he's struggling with something. This can reciprocate at home, where he'll internalise something until he starts to stim quite severely. I'll ask him what's going on but don't push too hard, if he's ready at that point to talk he'll open up. Sometimes he'll bring something up completely out of the blue that's clearly been playing on his mind. I think the main thing is that they know you are there for them when they want to talk.

I have a few techniques for when X is stimming or overwhelmed, but am constantly trying new ones. What works will be different for everyone. With X I find the following to help: weighted blankets; indirect touching, for example through clothing so that it isn't skin to skin; creating small circles with my finger on the inside of his wrist; letting him do whatever activity he finds calming in that moment; counting up and down slowly from ten; giving him space when he needs it and by having a specific get out jail free word for when we're out and he wants to go.

You've probably already subconsciously made adaptations to work with her since you've been together for a while. Adding a label has probably just made you more aware of it and what both of you are doing. A diagnosis doesn't change who she is, she's been diagnosed because that's already how she was.

People believing that X is autistic has also stressed him out. His mum was very supportive and almost found it reassuring that there was reasoning behind the abnormal behaviors she identified as he was growing up. His sister still denies it, it's almost like "I've known him his whole life, surely I would have known", but I think with time and an increased understanding this will change. It hasn't affected their relationship but she does struggle with some of his autistic traits, she has severe anxiety it often upsets her and causes arguments when he isn't able to empathise with her or accidentally says the wrong thing. His best friend, who he grew up with, has an autistic brother. His friend's reaction was "that explains why you get on so well with my brother" and he started to really recognise it in X. How people react will always vary based on their personal experiences. Some people might even have thought she was on the spectrum but didn't want to say anything. Try not to take it too personally, and just take it one person at a time.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Being with an AT is an unique experience in itself, so make sure to also look after yourself.

Thank you for your reply. What is comforting is that others are going through similar experiences. It can often feel very isolated in the autistic bubble.

Some of the things you suggested are things we are also exploring, so that is good to know we are on the right path. 

Thank you again, and all the best to you and X