Supporting an autistic spouse - help and advice wanted

GV19 said:

I struggle sometimes to read her

This is an autistic trait

A reason you may find it hard to read her is that most autists mask... and the fact she was able to get married before being diagnosed indicates she is probably very good at it. I realised I was autistic a few years back at 50 years old, and still mask even with my non-autistic wife (albeit not as much as with other people)... it's just too ingrained.

My masking meant that my wife had no clue I found many tasks very difficult that a NT person would not think twice about (generally when said task involves interacting with other people and especially if there is potential for conflict)... EG: We both love eating out, but if I go to a new restaurant I get very anxious internally until we are safely seated and I feel I have my own space & some measure of control of my immediate environment.

We've dined at 100s of restaurants over the last few decades, and she had no idea! In hindsight we now know why (a) I always suggest going back to the same few restaurants and (b) why I'm so desperate to sit down and get my first beer into me.

It sounds like you've already started the process, but I do suggest encouraging her to discuss times when she feels anxious/wobbly/stress as they occur (once you get to time/place she feels calm/safe).

NB: My wife has been pushing me to communicate for years, but the problem I have is that I am fine/masked until I am not... as in once I start having a mini-meltdown I am so busy freaking out internally and desperately trying to think of how to escape whilst staying vaugely masked... I lose the power to communicate effectively. EG: Say there is an unexpected queue for a table at a restaurant, I am desperately trying to mask but becoming unhinged inside.

GV19 said:

I am conscious that I do not want to be overbearing by constantly checking how she is feeling, but at the same time I struggle sometimes to read her and don't want to come across like I don't care.

Have you asked her directly? (most autists appreciate directness!) What did she say?

Personally I get more comfort from knowing my wife listens/believes me when I tell her what I find difficult rather than constantly checking if I am OK. My experience though is that NTs (perhaps particularly women?) seem to need constant reminders that we love them... but autists tend to view relationships more statically (I married you because I love you... why do I need to keep proving it!?).

Best wishes to you both.

GV19 said:

I struggle sometimes to read her

This is an autistic trait

A reason you may find it hard to read her is that most autists mask... and the fact she was able to get married before being diagnosed indicates she is probably very good at it. I realised I was autistic a few years back at 50 years old, and still mask even with my non-autistic wife (albeit not as much as with other people)... it's just too ingrained.

My masking meant that my wife had no clue I found many tasks very difficult that a NT person would not think twice about (generally when said task involves interacting with other people and especially if there is potential for conflict)... EG: We both love eating out, but if I go to a new restaurant I get very anxious internally until we are safely seated and I feel I have my own space & some measure of control of my immediate environment.

We've dined at 100s of restaurants over the last few decades, and she had no idea! In hindsight we now know why (a) I always suggest going back to the same few restaurants and (b) why I'm so desperate to sit down and get my first beer into me.

It sounds like you've already started the process, but I do suggest encouraging her to discuss times when she feels anxious/wobbly/stress as they occur (once you get to time/place she feels calm/safe).

NB: My wife has been pushing me to communicate for years, but the problem I have is that I am fine/masked until I am not... as in once I start having a mini-meltdown I am so busy freaking out internally and desperately trying to think of how to escape whilst staying vaugely masked... I lose the power to communicate effectively. EG: Say there is an unexpected queue for a table at a restaurant, I am desperately trying to mask but becoming unhinged inside.

GV19 said:

I am conscious that I do not want to be overbearing by constantly checking how she is feeling, but at the same time I struggle sometimes to read her and don't want to come across like I don't care.

Have you asked her directly? (most autists appreciate directness!) What did she say?

Personally I get more comfort from knowing my wife listens/believes me when I tell her what I find difficult rather than constantly checking if I am OK. My experience though is that NTs (perhaps particularly women?) seem to need constant reminders that we love them... but autists tend to view relationships more statically (I married you because I love you... why do I need to keep proving it!?).

Best wishes to you both.

Firsty, thank you for your reply it really means a great deal.

Masking is something we have identified. As a woman, she is far better at masking than I ever realised, to the point where masking causes her stress as she feels people will not believe her diagnosis due to spending 30 years masked as a NT.

I have asked her directly when I think something is wrong, but she has fed back that she does not like the sensation that she is being watched and analysed. I can appreciate this, especially as there is some truth to the analysis as I am trying to discover what is masking and what is just genuine happiness (It is hard to tell sometimes).

thank you again