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Recently diagnosed: struggling to accept

NAS75891

After about 20 years of thinking I might be autistic I was diagnosed earlier this week. Leading up to the assessment I was worried I was just being a hypochondriac and was fairly convinced I would not be diagnosed.   Anyway I was. (It was private but at a reputable place with a clinical psychologist- I did my research) 

After the initial relief,  I’m now in a spiral of obsessive checking and reading of autism related articles/books etc to convince myself the diagnosis is correct. Basically back to square one. 

My brain is saying to just live my normal routine for a few weeks and experience my normal life with this new perspective (I’m off work til next week so I don’t really have to do anything) and also wait for the written report which won’t be ready for a few weeks.

But I just can’t seem to do the logical thing. I keep ruminating about not having enough restricted behaviours or sensory issues to meet the criteria . (There is no doubt whatsoever about the social interaction side!!!)  I feel kind of paralysed and I can’t keep off the Internet. 

Is this sort of thing common? Can anyone relate? 

  • in reply to Pegasus

    Thanks for your reply Pegasus.

    I think I need to remember the fluctuation thing you said. When I am off work I have a high degree of control over my environment so I don’t feel as ‘autistic’ as usual. 

  • Hello there,

    I can relate to this.It's a sort of imposter syndrome coupled with bereavement of your old self.

    I am also recently diagnosed via the private route. It's a bit of a shock to the system to hear a professional, trained and experienced psychologist confirm what you've suspected. My summary looks a bit bleak but remember when you get yours that it's been written by someone with a psychologist's 'eye' so you don't need to share it too much with anyone if you don't want to. Remember also that symptoms or traits can fluctuate according to the environment you're in and how you're feeling on any particular day.

    Take a rest from trawling the internet though; King Lear/Shakespeare nailed that feeling with '...that way madness lies..." unending research leads to relentless worry and it doesn't do us any good.

    Take care and be kind to yourself.

    Pegasus.

  • One thing I keep coming across is this idea of 'Slightly autistic'. There is no such thing. You either are or you aren't. You are not a fraud. The whole point of autism is its human behaviors brought on by neurological differences.

    Everyone at some point in their life has cried. Its a human behavior. The reason behind it is what makes you autistic, how you perceive the world and react to it. It is a filter in your brain before the action that the rest of the world sees. Some people may be shocked and some people may identify with you.

    Diagnosis or not you have been the same person your whole life. Relearning different coping mechanisms tailored for Autism and what works for you is all you need to worry about :)

    Keep reading and watching videos if you want to know more, knowlege is power and can only help you in understanding. I hope you can let go of feeling like you have something to prove.

    I am pre-diagnosis and have had all those thoughts and feeling this past week. If they tell me I am not because I only have 'mild autism' (silly idea same as slightly autistic), if I don't get asked questions how I expect and I give inaccurate information. 

    I think most of my feelings come from living life feeling like I have something wrong with me and being told 'cheer up and get on with things'. There is nothing wrong with me just like there is nothing wrong with you. We all have our own experiences and telling yourself 'maybe I'm just being silly' is that same voice of people caring about you and wanting you to be ok but not being able to help in the right way.