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Really Struggling to Find Help!

NAS75429

Hello. I’ve recent been diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). I would be considered high functioning, exhibiting many of the traits typical in someone with Asperger’s Syndrome.

I was hoping that this newly found discovery about myself might finally help me to tackle several key difficulties that have always plagued me. Especially the difficulties that I have with social connection. However, I’m really struggling to find the sort of help that I’m looking for. The only services that seem to be available are organised light socials with other high-functioning autistics (mainly over Zoom).

I was really hoping to gain access to services that would really help me to better understand my mind and find a way to adapt my behaviour/outlook to better fit into the world around me. It just seems like no one really knows what they’re doing and are just improvising (I don’t mean to offend anyone). Discussion forums like this one mainly seem to be filled with other like myself with loads of questions, but not many people that really have the answers (though I’m always willing to try).

Does anyone know of any sort of “autistic life coaching” available? I would be prepared to pay a lot depending on the quality of the service. If I ever manage to conquer the key life struggles that have always troubled me, I’d love to reach out and help others that have gone through similar turmoil.

For me, finding a partner or a deep friendship is like trying to catch smoke with your hands. How on earth have those of you that have partners managed to find them?? It feels like everything is working against me. I feel quite lonely and very detached from the world. I’m sick of feeling trapped and hopeless all the time. I’ve still got a lot of fight in me and would love to get a grip of my life, stop drinking too much, come off anti-depressants, and step into a life that I want to live. I want new struggles that don’t go unresolved for years on end. I know my own mind well enough to know that I’m not fundamentally depressed, and that key adjustments would turn my life around very quickly.

Please, if you think that you could offer any comments that would help, I’d love to hear from you. Thank you.

Dan

  • Hello Dan, I have this to offer. 

    If you are looking for the type of deep friendship you describe so eloquently in your post, then your first step would be to find ways to be a trusted friend to yourself.  This might seem counter-intuitive in this topsy-turvy world we have created through ignorance, a world where everything we are taught to believe is either untrue or back-to-front. 

    The kinder you are to yourself and the more of a friend you are to yourself, the more open you are to friendliness from others because you are less dependant on it. The less dependant on friendship you are the more you will attract friendly people to you.  No one feels comfortable around desperate or needy people. No one want high-maintenance people as friends. Everyone feels much more friendly towards self-assured and happy, contented people.

    We set the bar for our friendship with how we relate to ourselves.   Otherwise, we are expecting the friendship of another person to fix us, and no one else can ever do that, not long-term.  A new relationship or friendship, just like a new toy or gadget, may alleviate loneliness for a moment or two, but the novelty rapidly fades and we are left with the same underlying loneliness and lack of connection we tried to mask in the first place. It's also really stressful to have someone insecure as a friend. It saps all the joy out of you. 

    Ending loneliness is an inside job.  

  • Hi Dan, 

    I'm female and I've had my problems finding relationships with men, but I'm not sure that's been to do with my Asperger's because I mask it quite well.

    I don't know if you're seeking a relationship with a man or a woman, but I personally find it much, much easier to get on with men than with women. In general men seem to me to be far less judgmental and complicated than women. I think autistic men would have more difficulty forming a relationship with women than vice versa.

    I think I mask my autistic traits well so they don't really show up in the early part of the relationship. However, when I start living with someone it all becomes rather more difficult! 

    I've been with my partner for just over 7 years. We met online. I feel sorry for him to be honest because life with me isn't easy. But I'm not as bad as his ex who cheated on him and used him as a cash cow. I'd never betray him. I'm just difficult to live with because of my autistic traits. He happens to be a very secure, tolerant person who just doesn't judge me, and for that I'm massively grateful.

    I guess that all I'm saying is that just because other people are in relationships it doesn't mean they're happy. I feel very lonely sometimes because we're not connected and we don't do anything together. Sometimes I long to be on my own to have some proper solitude but the prospect of trying to manage on my own scares the living daylights out of me. 

  • in reply to NAS75429

    I wish I did offer a coaching service! The course I am doing may eventually lead to that. I will PM you. 

  • in reply to mrs.snooks

    Hello Mrs Snooks,

    Thank you for reaching out. I'd love to hear more about the services you offer. Please do pass on the details.

    Kind Regards,

    Dan

  • Hi Dan,

    Risking identification in the real world. I have been doing a Post Graduate Certificate in Autism and Aspergers Syndrome. This is has helped me immeasurably with a type of autistic life coaching. If you are interested in something like this, then let me know and I will give you the details. I think I can talk about it here as it is run in conjunction with the NAS.

    Take care and hang in there. I too have had a lot of problems with my mental health and problems with forming and keeping relationships.

    Mrs Snooks