Catch 22s

The ability to navigate human emotions with elegance and maturity is difficult for any adult, parent, let alone someone who's experiencing the world as unjust, feeling misrepresented and continually misunderstood, who most likely cannot identify emotions, classify and then understand how to contain them. Perhaps it's just a word, but I might reserve "toxic" for criminal behaviour. Gaslighters or intentional abuse. Not my child. Maybe mine... but for autistics pragmatics matter because we might not ever have the brain wiring to read between the lines which means we cannot be loose with language, unfortunately. 

Autistic Individuals, by default, tend to have hyper-sensory awareness and hyper-sensory feelings. Emotions, are also sensory experience like the receptors we have to sense light or sound, smells, or feel a wound on our skin. The formula is this: Perceptions + Understanding = Summary X, which produce Emotions. That understanding always involves a "relationship with". So young children will feel a sense of injustice and maybe even worthlessness from a lack of protection when someone takes a ball from them. Or takes food off their plate without asking. Something has been stolen from them OR they were worth stealing from. But they've yet to learn how some humans are not worth crying over and that a ball is just a ball. At that age, that element has far more value, so they'll be in tears as if someone nikked a priceless tiara and they'll never be able to afford another.   

As a parent, it's so much easier to stay calm around a 5 year old who is in a puddle of tears over something that - isn't trivial to them (nor should it be trivialised), but you know it'll be OK. We can allow their mess for a minute and it doesn't change our emotional state in the least. We can fix that.

Negotiations with older children, or even with immature and uneducated adults, who have pieces of the information creating a sense of unfairness or hopelessness or despair, this is different. It becomes entirely frustrating. The first problem is one's experience is very real. How do I affirm your experience and also help you gain perspective in order to change the outcome of the summary you've made and hopefully change your emotions? How can I help you assess what you really are feeling, and help you feel safe working out what's internally happening with me.

Trust is established in several ways. One is when I attempt to speak in the way you communicate so you'll want to listen and it will make sense. No one likes misunderstanding unless it's in a play and humorous. Another is by attempting to understand and help identify what you're going through. But basic trust is established by patterns, by being dependable, by helping to create agency, by being involved. In a situation like this one needs resilience and patience, which is much easier when we can for see the outcome. 

The first problem is understanding that her world is so confusing. She needs Science and Art. She needs projects and vision and the elemental ground-up comprehension to build these so she is focused on something productive at weekends. If you don't know what she's interested in, try lessons in anything and everything. Maybe a DIY electronics club or music or something to become skilled at. 

The second problem is simple. Regardless of what she's expressing or complaining or negotiating or "ruminating", I would only respond with "How can I help". Simple. She may not know. You may have an answer, but she may be looking for something entirely different. Autistic individuals can have the capacity to work out the very Systems in Play. Not just a surface exchange. We don't need to know that one's eyes are blue because it's genetic. We need to know how the biology and DNA turned that information on and how it impacts the rest of the body and if there is a sequence to generations. Rumination is across the board a sign that we have the capacity to work out a system in play and the desire. We lack knowledge, wisdom, maturity, the science behind the matter. It is not actually rumination. Rather it is an extension of monotropism, of a natural hyper-vigilance of a drive to become an expert in a field. 

The more everyone understands the capacity of who she can become, how she processes, experiences and perceives reality, it will possibly make it easier for everyone. She doesn't know why there's this attachment and why it's too powerful for her to command. I'm making a WILD guess and asking if there's a possibility she can sense her - most likely nuro-typical sister, is easier for you to identify/relate with and the only way she can handle the knowledge that she may never feel the same bond, is by trying to 'control' that chaos and heartbreak by negotiating a personal connexion alone. As a mother, I went through times where my son was acting like his father, it felt disconnected and I just had to continually tell him he was worthwhile. Do small things to make him feel worthwhile. Things changed over time, and now he's so much more like me (or I'm like him - he's taught me so much!!)

One thing that will help is perhaps not just an Emotions Wheel, but learning to dissect those emotions and where they're coming from, I can't stress how important this is. I hope some of this helps. 

The ability to navigate human emotions with elegance and maturity is difficult for any adult, parent, let alone someone who's experiencing the world as unjust, feeling misrepresented and continually misunderstood, who most likely cannot identify emotions, classify and then understand how to contain them. Perhaps it's just a word, but I might reserve "toxic" for criminal behaviour. Gaslighters or intentional abuse. Not my child. Maybe mine... but for autistics pragmatics matter because we might not ever have the brain wiring to read between the lines which means we cannot be loose with language, unfortunately. 

Autistic Individuals, by default, tend to have hyper-sensory awareness and hyper-sensory feelings. Emotions, are also sensory experience like the receptors we have to sense light or sound, smells, or feel a wound on our skin. The formula is this: Perceptions + Understanding = Summary X, which produce Emotions. That understanding always involves a "relationship with". So young children will feel a sense of injustice and maybe even worthlessness from a lack of protection when someone takes a ball from them. Or takes food off their plate without asking. Something has been stolen from them OR they were worth stealing from. But they've yet to learn how some humans are not worth crying over and that a ball is just a ball. At that age, that element has far more value, so they'll be in tears as if someone nikked a priceless tiara and they'll never be able to afford another.   

As a parent, it's so much easier to stay calm around a 5 year old who is in a puddle of tears over something that - isn't trivial to them (nor should it be trivialised), but you know it'll be OK. We can allow their mess for a minute and it doesn't change our emotional state in the least. We can fix that.

Negotiations with older children, or even with immature and uneducated adults, who have pieces of the information creating a sense of unfairness or hopelessness or despair, this is different. It becomes entirely frustrating. The first problem is one's experience is very real. How do I affirm your experience and also help you gain perspective in order to change the outcome of the summary you've made and hopefully change your emotions? How can I help you assess what you really are feeling, and help you feel safe working out what's internally happening with me.

Trust is established in several ways. One is when I attempt to speak in the way you communicate so you'll want to listen and it will make sense. No one likes misunderstanding unless it's in a play and humorous. Another is by attempting to understand and help identify what you're going through. But basic trust is established by patterns, by being dependable, by helping to create agency, by being involved. In a situation like this one needs resilience and patience, which is much easier when we can for see the outcome. 

The first problem is understanding that her world is so confusing. She needs Science and Art. She needs projects and vision and the elemental ground-up comprehension to build these so she is focused on something productive at weekends. If you don't know what she's interested in, try lessons in anything and everything. Maybe a DIY electronics club or music or something to become skilled at. 

The second problem is simple. Regardless of what she's expressing or complaining or negotiating or "ruminating", I would only respond with "How can I help". Simple. She may not know. You may have an answer, but she may be looking for something entirely different. Autistic individuals can have the capacity to work out the very Systems in Play. Not just a surface exchange. We don't need to know that one's eyes are blue because it's genetic. We need to know how the biology and DNA turned that information on and how it impacts the rest of the body and if there is a sequence to generations. Rumination is across the board a sign that we have the capacity to work out a system in play and the desire. We lack knowledge, wisdom, maturity, the science behind the matter. It is not actually rumination. Rather it is an extension of monotropism, of a natural hyper-vigilance of a drive to become an expert in a field. 

The more everyone understands the capacity of who she can become, how she processes, experiences and perceives reality, it will possibly make it easier for everyone. She doesn't know why there's this attachment and why it's too powerful for her to command. I'm making a WILD guess and asking if there's a possibility she can sense her - most likely nuro-typical sister, is easier for you to identify/relate with and the only way she can handle the knowledge that she may never feel the same bond, is by trying to 'control' that chaos and heartbreak by negotiating a personal connexion alone. As a mother, I went through times where my son was acting like his father, it felt disconnected and I just had to continually tell him he was worthwhile. Do small things to make him feel worthwhile. Things changed over time, and now he's so much more like me (or I'm like him - he's taught me so much!!)

One thing that will help is perhaps not just an Emotions Wheel, but learning to dissect those emotions and where they're coming from, I can't stress how important this is. I hope some of this helps.