Jealousy- does anyone else suffer from it?

Jealousy is one of those feelings that we stuff and stuff until it bursts out of our otherwise nice personality. It can make us feel bad, or like we might do something really stupid, not to mention harmful. Jealousy usually gets the best of us when it comes to our relationships, so it's good to understand how to deal with those feelings in a healthy way before they get out of hand.

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Jealousy is a devastating emotion to feel. It comes in many forms; over success, relationships, skills, and looks among others. We all want to be the best at what we do, but sometimes it’s hard not to develop feelings of envy for those who just seem to excel at everything. As human beings, we can’t help it and it’s ok you know. Doesn’t mean you should let those feeling get in your way and ruin you though!

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Thank you. I think I deserve a medal tbh. The perfect wife and mother- I brought my daughter up and didn't hurt or abandon her. I didn't run off with another man, however lonely and frightened I was. I gave absolutely everything to my family. It's only recently I learned to put myself first.

I agree about the nurture. There are so many people on this forum who have difficult relationships with their mothers. Could it have affected us?

This is something I struggle with massively but only ever with my husband.  I know it's completely irrational but, for me I think it stems from a deep rooted fear of losing the one person I can truly be myself with.

I find that I struggle with jealousy. It’s quite deeply set in me and nothing I have tried ever changes it. 

Yes, I'd agree there's not a specific link.  It's just that being autistic seems to have lined me and mine up for more setbacks, exclusions and disappointments.  I'd say it's more to do with being sidelined due to others' behaviours, expectations and attitudes (neuronormative as they are) but this still quite often leaves me in a position of feeling like one of the have-nots.  

It's now clearer to me that getting anywhere in many workplaces or even starting relationships and socialising more generally has involved a disproportionate effort and quite a bit of masking too, leaving me vulnerable to burnout and MH issues.  

So yes, that general feeling of being "one-down" compared to others has fed into a certain amount of jealousy.  And I'd say that the workplace can be a key area for this.  Plus, given the reported level of unemployment and underemployment amongst autistic people, I think this might leave us more vulnerable to experiencing jealousy.  :(

It's not specifically linked to autism because anyone can become jealous of anyone or anything.  I am however, extremely jealous of those of have found jobs and by that, I mean paid permanent employment with supportive employers who understand their needs and are willing to make those necessary adjustments for the staff to carry out their duties or tasks efficiently and enthusiastically. My last paid job was back in 2006, been volunteering in different job fields since then.

Yes.  I think it's that "sense of lack" mentioned by Tassimo that is strong with me and very easily triggered.  I have to be on to myself to mitigate and sometimes even dispel it.

I don't think it's directly linked to autism but, looking back over my life, I think there's a strong indirect connection.  For example, my teenage years were blighted by poverty which largely arose from my (probably autistic) parents inability to either bring in a reasonable, consistent income combined with severe reservations about asking for help or, indeed, consulting anyone about anything, such was the social anxiety.  The state of our house also meant we couldn't ask anyone round, which led to another lack - that of friends.  And standing out for being different compounded this by seemingly inviting victimisation and bullying with a lack of support to counter this. 

Then, later in life, I kept up the family traditions by shrinking fearfully from others, experiencing severe anxiety and generally not being the kind of outgoing person who makes connections and gets on with the job.  Naturally this lead to a continued lack of social contact and didn't do my employment and promotion prospects any good either.  Whilst this didn't lead to the same poverty I experienced in childhood, there was often the feeling of falling short and underperforming plus a lack of the decent anticipated return on years of working hard to attain various qualifications.

Now I'm afraid I've passed some of these "lacks" on.  My now adult children are experiencing severe problems just with life and with making their way in the world, even in spite of us having more knowledge and the ability to offer more support.  And I'm not sure there'll be another generation because of these difficulties, which saddens me both for them and for myself (so many from my class at school, including the ones who made life difficult for me, are now - seemingly effortlessly - grandparents).

So...  jealousy...  yes, I feel pangs.  It's hard not to draw comparisons with others but, more than that, I often think there's a serious shortfall between the effort I'm putting in and what I'm getting out.  So I have to be on to myself when I start thinking about life in that simplistic "transactional" way because there are actually no guarantees of anything in this world and some of my expectations were setting myself up for misery.  I have to meditate or go do some gardening to release the thoughts of the "better" life I somehow think I've lost and the others who seem to be living it.         

good thinking batman

I reached the same conclusion not so long ago.

in this case paranoia is an instinct telling us to be careful.

I suffer more from paranoia than jelousy.

Only trouble is I always tell myself Im just being paranoid when I worry about someone lying to me or having bad motives but so often ive been proved right so it makes it really dificult to keep telling myself its not true next time 

Yes.  I can be so very jealous and possessive of my husband.  It is something I really struggle with 

I'm so pleased that your daughter is now well. And yes, you should feel really proud that you got through it and raised your daughter well! It sounded like a hellish situation.

There is another similarity in yours and my circumstances. I had a very difficult relationship with my mum too.

I read that ASD isn't entirely genetic, that there is also a nurture aspect to it. I wonder if our relationships with our mothers in our formative years contributed to our ASD? It could go the opposite way too: did our ASD contribute to our relationship problems?

Oh yes I was 38 when I had my daughter! Maybe that makes a difference. I also live in a tiny, cliquey village where everyone knows each other and I was the 'weird stranger'.

I used to have friends when I was in my teens and twenties though, so I know I can do it.

I was desperately ill during pregnancy so I was basically alone at home 24/7, sick and frightened. No one visited. It changed my opinion of people- they don't actually care about each other do they and I have no friends.

Yes. I wanted to run away when my daughter was tiny, then when she was desperately ill aged 2-5. TBH if I'd had somewhere nice to go I would have done. But I'd already realised I had no friends and nowhere to run to. My mum is very difficult- nice/ nasty/ nice/ nasty all the time, she was pretty cruel to me during pregnancy so I kept away from her.

I'm so proud of myself for getting through it and bringing up a happy, healthy daughter. She is fine now, she got over her illness. HOW I got through it I will never know. My husband is a great supporter. But we decided very quickly we could never go through that again so we stuck at one child.

No, I'd love to have that group of female friends I could always turn to when I needed them. My daughter was desperately ill when she was little, I had no friends to turn to for support. We live down a lonely, deserted road. Some days I'd been looking after her for 10 hours straight without a break, I'd have given anything for a friend to talk to. I had to rely on random Facebook people, who of course couldn't come round and take care of her for an hour while I slept or had a shower or whatever. I just needed some people there physically to help me. Online friends are only so helpful.

If we lived nearby though Juniper I'd happily be your friend!

I'm sorry that's happening to you too. I never made any friends in post natal class either. I had given up /didn't have the confidence to try because of previous failures to make friends (I was an older Mum of 35 when I had my son so I'd had plenty of experience to conclude that I was rubbish at forming friendships). I was just an outsider, an observer of the other women forming bonds. It felt so unfair.

I'm interested to know how you found maternity leave? I had a terrible time. I felt so isolated and in a state of permanent fear and dread. I couldn't wait to get back to work. Don't get me wrong - I adore my son, he is 11 now and I am a completely devoted mother, but that time when I was looking after him as a baby was the bleakest time I've ever known. I wanted to run away.

I’d be your friend! My son is all grown up but would you want to have a group you were constantly indebted to? I think I worked out that sacrificing my freedom and also my desires and analytical self to some tribal situation would leave me shut down. I’d rather read. :)

Exit. And spend time in self discovery. It is no good to allow oneself to stay in a situation feeling unprotected. 

Oh yes, me too! Seeing groups of female friends together laughing, joking, sharing secrets. I'd LOVE to have that. My cousin said when she had a baby, she met 'a great group of girls' in the postnatal class and they're forever friends now.

After I had a baby, I was just bullied by my post natal group members and so had to find another group. That group too viewed me with suspicion and I never got this group of female friends I wanted. I don't know what I do wrong.

I'm very jealous of women who get on well with other women. I would really like some close friends but I have no success making friends....over the years women I've met and have liked have not shown any desire to form a relationship with me and yet they do with many other women. I've listened, I've shown compassion, honesty, humour, generosity, but still they don't want to know. I despair.

Yes I'd like to see that information please.

There will be more viruses, don't you worry. Covid is just the start. The viruses are coming for us now...unless we change our ways i.e. stop travelling round the globe quickly. Viruses like Ebola are always lurking, and most of those have a 90% death rate. If they got to densely populated areas, humans would die out very rapidly.

Also, natural selection has stopped for humans. Most of us survive, including the stupid, dangerous and self centred ones. Until recently, the stupid ones died because they did stupid things. The dangerous and self centred ones were ostracised because they didn't contribute to the tribe, or they got killed in battles.