Published on 12, July, 2020
I want to start off saying that I am very disappointed, I am guilty of myself. I wish I wasn’t born the way I am. I wanted to be born as a normal child, not a person that has to struggle with simple everyday tasks, feeling useless, not having a normal-functioning brain, and even feeling unintelligent. Everyday I wish I could wake up, saying to myself that, “Everything is okay, the majority doesn’t have a problem with me.” I wish I learned fast, I wish I had real talents, I wish I wasn’t ugly, I wish I never acted weird to anyone, and most of all, I wish I wasn’t a white autistic male.
One thing that I was never told for my entire life is that I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a mild form of Autism, also known to be considered ‘high-functioning’ on the Autism Spectrum. Only in recent years, I have become suspicious of a mental disability, but I wasn’t sure what mental disability. Let me start off telling a story.
In December of 2016, as an eight grader, I had become peer-pressured into recording in school, just so I could look cool and post it to YouTube. I thought of myself as someone that everyone had loved, but it wasn’t true. Of course, consequences took place, which is obvious for a kid recording on school property. 2017 had begun, and I had gotten brainwashed into letting someone into my YouTube account, my accounts for 3 months had been getting hijacked, and I had poor security methods. Before 2017 was about to begin, someone had given me a file on my computer to run, which was actually malicious at the time, but I thought it was innocent.
Certain kids that were acting dumb on YouTube were trying to gain my attention, and I always thought they were bullying me and being legit about being that dumb.
Adding on, I had tried getting two girlfriends at this time with no success. Probably no surprise but it really isn’t relevant to this story by much.
I was gullible, and always thought everyone cared about me, and it turns out, that was never the case, I was a toy everyone could play with, and I would constantly get in trouble. In March of 2017, a friend of mine had told me to not edit something out that I had said on a video clip and post it to YouTube, it was accusing someone of being a *** from our school, and this had backfired, I had gotten an order to delete my channel by the assistant principal and people had cancelled me at school. But during this time, I had joined Discord to talk on a server with people that were interested in computers. The order was given right before Spring Break had started. However, this server had given me time to think about how I was, this Discord server had slowed down my Snapchat usage, as I was more interested in talking to these people. I thought I was still cool in school, but in my personal time alone, I had started to gain suicidal thoughts here and there, however, not a lot of the time. It was not specifically because of Discord itself, but because I realized I got to really socialize with people, and actually knowing these people made me think about my self-worth. I actually thought about stuff I never thought about before.
As months went on, I had become closer to the owner of the server, her name being Julia. I had never had a friend of the opposite gender, so it felt strange to start becoming really close friends with a female, but even having a close friend at all was strange, but it felt wonderful I had someone on my side, because it felt as if I never had someone on my side like this in my entire life. I know the gender part may not be relevant, but I digress. As time went on, I had gotten more depressed, and at the time, she was my only source of support as my parents refused to put me in therapy or a mental hospital, and it may have been a good thing that I had at least someone to talk to when I was upset, but it had gotten worse and she started to not like it (don’t worry, we are still close to this day). I had gotten more depressed due to how dumb I felt about everything I did in middle school and because of people mistreating me. Of course, people get mistreated all of the time, but I felt like I was constantly being treated dirty by everyone that even passed me.
Later into 2017, after I had gotten through my first few months of high school and she was already on her way of graduating high school, she had told me about certain mental disabilities she has, she told me she had Asperger’s Syndrome, also noted to me that it is a very mild form of autism. I had done a bit of research, and I started to compare myself to ‘neurotypical’ peers, compared myself to her, and done some research. I noticed I acted like her and what the research indicated, and denied myself of certain behaviours, so I tried to make myself think I wasn’t truly autistic, but then again, I did act alot like her and barely acted like the neurotypical peers. After all, I was in special education classes, and had to work on certain ‘IEP’ skills and goals.
As time went on, continuing into 2018, I kept on questioning why I was so depressed, even though I didn’t have many people to hang out with other than call Julia. I knew that I was depressed about some stuff, but I felt too depressed about small things, which seemed very unusual to me. But I still didn’t truly know if I was autistic or not. I wanted an answer, so I kept talking to my mother about it, but she kept denying that something was wrong with me, even denying that I have autism.
In 2019, I had gotten an IEP sheet indicating certain goals and skills I still needed to work on, one of them would be working on speech deficiencies. At the top of the sheet it had indicated ‘Disabilities: AU’. I confronted my mother about it, and all she had to tell me was that it didn’t mean autism, but it meant that I learned better through alternative sources, such as learning better on a computer. However, this was a poorly done excuse and what she just told me is prevalent in autism. I had gotten friends to chip in, and help research what ‘AU’ could mean in mental health, Absolutely nothing else but autism could be found. These friends had felt extremely ashamed that my own mother would hide such information, even though I saw myself as possibly autistic, it still didn’t answer it for me, even though it was clear. I was still depressed about possibly being an autisttic individual, but I didn’t think of it as much.
In early 2021, as I was wrapping up high school, I had been scheduled to join a Zoom meeting for my IEP goals. Of course, the staff said I had done very well throughout high school and tried acting as professional as much as I possibly could, but the nurse was also there and wanted to point out I was already diagnosed with Autism. I had finally heard that I was diagnosed, and it had disappointed me to no end. Yes, the information did come from the school nurse, and it could totally be an assumption, but we must understand that schools and districts have official health information on students, so it would make sense that I was actually diagnosed.
I feel like If I was already told this years ago, I could have changed something, but it feels like it is too late.
I also noticed in the recent years that I am despised of in my family as well. I even noticed certain things about my family that make them look like terrible people, and this was hidden from me.
Throughout the majority of 2021, I felt more and more depressed, more and more suicidal due to how much I hated myself for having autism, I could simply not love myself. I felt more like a burden than an actual human with feelings. Throughout this year, I have been concerned about the possibilities that I will ever find true love, ever lose my virginity, worried about certain fetishes, worried about what my sexuality truly is, and worried about future friendships. I am 19, a few months before I had turned 19, I had finally gotten a job. It took me this long to find a job, on top of that I still do not trust myself driving. And who knows if Julia would ever want to be with me, I feel like she does not. And I am not trying to be desperate, I am not a simp, but please, I need at least one person.
In conclusion, all due to autism, I feel held back, I feel like I should have already lost my virginity, I feel like I should have already had been approved to get my license from the DMV after I had finished Driver’s Ed, I feel like I should have had at least one girlfriend. Crap, I feel like I should have gotten a job when I was already ready, but I didn’t let myself.
This is why I feel extremely depressed, I am not the usual human, I am not normal. I feel like I have to be normal in order to succeed and socially get what I want, and the path I am taking right now, I feel like I will NEVER socially get what I want, autism is going to push it out of the way for me, and just pile up more trash in the path that I want to go down. Even in terms of College, will I ever get past it? I don’t know... I wish I can either accept it or one day have a cure, at least feel like I have a normal life for the most part. It hurts, a lot.
Hello, it sounds to me like you are very hard on yourself. More than hard. Cruel to yourself. Have you ever thought how it might feel to like yourself? There is nothing wrong with anyone other than what…
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, just gotta accept it for what it is, autism doesn't define who you are and neither does losing your virginity, these are just labels or ideas. If you want to practice…
I will admit, I am very cruel to myself. However, I believe I deserve it more than to be loved. It would feel great to wake up one day and like myself, I can imagine, it would feel wonderful. Most of the…
Hello, it sounds to me like you are very hard on yourself. More than hard. Cruel to yourself. Have you ever thought how it might feel to like yourself? There is nothing wrong with anyone other than what we have been conditioned to believe is wrong. Every form of life is an instance of absolute perfection. You can start very gently, in small ways, and it might feel unusual. But it will make a difference. If you are kind to yourself and treat yourself better, you start to feel better about your life. If you don't like yourself or even worse if you hate yourself, you look at your life and everything you see is bad. Would you talk to a friend the same way you talk to yourself?
I will admit, I am very cruel to myself. However, I believe I deserve it more than to be loved. It would feel great to wake up one day and like myself, I can imagine, it would feel wonderful. Most of the time, trying to be happy isn't an easy task, but to be honest, I might be looking at the wrong side here. Even though I am saying all of this, I feel I may never get anywhere because of stuff I am held back with, especially with having a romantic relationship. I am 19, I still haven't lost my virginity, most of the people I talked to in high school had also lost their virginity, and here is stupid me still trying to at least pick up on someone. This can't be the only reason, but I have a lot. One day, I hope that these feelings won't ever interfere. Thank you.