Flirting at work

Hello, My name is Adam. 

I am here to try and seek some knowledge and advice regarding someone I work with who has Autism and Asperger's. I've known her for over a year and half. Back in March 2020 she started working with us and unfortunately we all went on furlough by April and due to the nature of our work at an airport we couldn't go.

I took a real liking to this young lady and told her instantly how I felt about her. Things were a little rocky and up and down between us during lockdown. Not seeing each other was an issue for me because I prefer to see someone than hide behind messages, although we did occasionally do video calls. 

Around last winter time I didn't know where her head was at. Since the day she started working with us, she has been nothing but flirty with me and everyone else can see it too. It's only in recent months where we really got back on track and established we both like each other a lot. Our understanding for each other has grown and blossomed significantly with her perhaps opening up more than she used to. 

However, once again things have turned a little sour you might say. My feelings for her have grown considerably. I've hinted at meeting up outside of work. As friends. A coffee date, a shopping date, a leisurely walk, or even welcoming her to my home or vice versa. Both of us live with our parents. We are both of similar age too. I can tell instantly when she is not herself because goes very quiet, and others can sense it too. In the whole time I've known her I have given her the opportunity to tell me where she is. She has never pulled me to one side and told me she doesn't want to advance to anything more. The last shift we worked together, on Monday night, I feel like I might of pushed to her to tell me something that is not all that true. She said she doesn't see us been anything more than friends. But, the way she continues to flirt and look at me, like I do with her, tells a completely different story. Not just to me, but to many others too. 

I take it that she is perhaps scared or not willing to tell me something. She can't tell me what it is that makes her see me as just a friend. I'm finding it hard to understand how someone can be like she is, but not feel anything inside. Or maybe perhaps she doesn't know what the feeling is if any. 

You might think that I need to let go, just like if anyone else said they just want to be friends. But, I stumbled across a video online today too where a male explains that his friends had to tell him that he likes his now girlfriend, as much as she likes him and the transition from friend to girlfriend was a big step for him. With this story in mind, that's how I am vision what it is like for the girl I adore at work. 

I will just touch on that we have both spoken about it maybe difficult to work with each other and see each other outside of work, but our shift patterns do not always match or cross since I am full time and she is part time. So in theory she could go a whole month without been on a single shift with me. (I know this from when I was part time). 

Any insight at all would be very much be grateful to help me get a better understanding. 

Thank you for your time. 

Parents
  • Autistics have problems with communication, and flirting is a type of communication we certainly have trouble with. What is obvious and unconscious in flirting to an allistic (non-autistic) person, has to be learned consciously by the autistic. So receiving and sending signals might be inaccurate. We also have problems with eye-contact and equally can stare at someone without there being any subtext whatsoever. We also tend to be bluntly honest. It is possible that what you see as flirting is not from her perspective and that what she said is a true reflection of her feelings. On the other hand autistics often have poor interoception which extends to emotional states, so that she may not be fully aware of how she feels towards you. Complex ain't it?

Reply
  • Autistics have problems with communication, and flirting is a type of communication we certainly have trouble with. What is obvious and unconscious in flirting to an allistic (non-autistic) person, has to be learned consciously by the autistic. So receiving and sending signals might be inaccurate. We also have problems with eye-contact and equally can stare at someone without there being any subtext whatsoever. We also tend to be bluntly honest. It is possible that what you see as flirting is not from her perspective and that what she said is a true reflection of her feelings. On the other hand autistics often have poor interoception which extends to emotional states, so that she may not be fully aware of how she feels towards you. Complex ain't it?

Children