Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone! This is all new to me! I have recently self identified as autistic at 56. I have been referred to and accepted by the autism assessment team but there is a 3 1/2 year waiting list. Since the penny dropped, I have become increasingly scared, bewildered, angry, depressed, feeling defective, and that my entire life has been a lie. I am I assume, high functioning, I have a masters degree, I have had good jobs, I have brought up a child alone whilst doing all of the above. At the moment I feel like I have opened pandoras box and really want to put the lid back on as I really don't like what's in it! I also feel like a bit of a fake in that I've got this far without any problems but realising that actually, I've always had problems. I guess I just want someone to say this is all normal? Thank you for reading!
I can certainly relate to this, and am struggling with my own identity now, having only earlier this year begun to realise I am on the spectrum. I am 36 and I too am on the long 3-4 year waiting list and so am self diagnosed also.
It's all very confusing isn't it, because you know that you have always struggled yet have also managed to "fake it to make it". I had a major meltdown a year and a half ago that has ultimately led me to this point after stumbling upon some information about autism/aspergers that just made sense to me.
I do understand the wanting to put the lid back on, but in reality if what's under the lid is your true self then it's important to embrace it and understand it because we've all struggled because we've had to fit in to society in order to survive, even whilst feeling alien or outcast. I guess in finding a community and people who you can relate to and vice versa, that can give us a freedom to explore who we really are without having to hide anymore, and scary as it is its surely got to be better for our own wellbeing.