I didn't tell my daughter about her diagnosis

NAS75374 said:

Her anger is now directed at me, I feel she is trying to make me as upset as she can, she has always been difficult and belligerent but I really want to try and make amends if possible and do the best by her even if it is late. 

A Mac user will also feel like the programmers of a PC are deliberately making their computers difficult and belligerent. The same in reverse. A programme created for one type of operating system doesn't work in a different operating system because it has a completely different set of rules. This is an analogy to the different brain functions between autistic and neurotypical humans. 

As a parent, my job is to help my son function in society. Offer support until he says he no longer needs it. Offer to help until he simply does it on his own. My job is to help him have agency. To know his weaknesses and strengths and to learn to work with his strengths and around his weaknesses. We can't be everything. 

When we discovered he had dyslexia, it explained a lot. And the changes we could now make accordingly, helped make his life more fluid. His father used to punish him by taking his video games away, but I noticed they were actually helping him learn to read, so I had to intervene when I could. My son would judge himself harshly, and until we discovered this, he felt 'stupid' and suicidal. So on top of not knowing he had a brain that is much better suited for kinetic situations, it simply appeared as though he was good for 'nothing'. That emotional weight on top of the biological difference meant he didn't reach his full potential. Now he's in his 20s and has knowledge of something to work around rather than blindly against. He has agency - a type of personal power. He can make better decisions about a direction for a career. Individuals like him, undiagnosed waste away on the fringe of society simply for not ever knowing their unique way of being. 

I am going to assume you weren't taught properly how to mother. I didn't have the best mother but I had an incredible grandmother, so I'm fortunate. The only thing you can do at this point is understand that sadly you've willingly contributed to hurtful and unnecessary consequences that she now has to pay for. You will unfortunately need to step back, assume responsibility and afford your daughter time to be angry. While you may have felt like a victim, the consequences have created such ruin for her that she has to clean up, and from her point of view it was ALL avoidable. I'm really sorry to say. I can give you some advice, but the first port of call is understanding she is the victim :( 

What can you do?

1. There is a book called The Mom Factor. It's written by well known Christian psychologists in the States: Cloud/Townsend. I've never read anything like it, and it's Really Good. 

2. If I were you, I would immediately join some kind of addict support group that can help you learn how to be responsible toward and with and for those who mean the most to you. So you don't completely lose them and so you can learn how to repair. Even AA will be able to teach you things which your mother should have taught you. The problem is on such a grand scale now and in order to repair your relationship, it is going to take an incredible commitment to learn how to help her Pay the Consequences she shouldn't have ever had to pay for. 

3. I would assume it will be years before she would want to have a relationship with you. In the meantime, I would start a savings account for her and put a little in every week. A small action of paying penitence, which may help you cope. The longer it takes, the more money you will have saved up for her. It does not fix the situation. It is an act of repentance that will feel like helping her and connecting to her while she has disconnected from you and no longer trusts your help. And will be some thing of value to offer her far in the future. 

4. I would spend time at the library in the self-help section and find out what I was supposed to know. It sounds to me like after all these years, you still might not quite understand how amazing an autistic brain can be. I can't say I'd ever call someone I value and love 'difficult' or 'belligerent' if I knew they had trouble understanding social nuances. 

5. However you must, accept that you have destroyed her ability to trust and rely on you. She feels betrayed (no, this is an act of betrayal - I'm sorry to say). And the only thing you can do is hunt down a mentor or guru or someone or something that can teach you how to become a trustworthy and reliable human. That's it. I feel so sad for both of you. A mother is the one person in this whole world who can offer us unconditional understanding and it sounds like you don't understand her. This can be mended, but you may have to allow yourself to feel the pain of this - go through it if you want to reach the other side and eventually have a new (and hopefully better) relationship with her some day. 

Autism can be amazing when there is proper education curated for our type of brains. We're not susceptible to advertising. We don't fear lack of inclusion, we don't have the same fears, so we appear out-of-the-box. We can see seemingly invisible systems and functions and logic that most neurotypical individuals cannot. Had I been properly diagnosed I could've had an amazing career in biology or genetics or mycology or physics. But I spent 15 years re-learning everything and should be financially well beyond where I am, but what a waste! I do not doubt she feels as impacted. 

We learn differently, process information differently, see the world differently, not bad or good - but sometimes much better than the average Neruotypical human, and with the capacity to be much more kind, much more human. Autism is only difficult until you learn to understand the world the same way we do. And all that takes is a basic function that has been lost in modern society, an ethical code that invites curiosity and understanding. One of acceptance rather than being forced to conform. 

I do want to add, it takes a lot of bravery to be honest about these things.

It will take a great deal of emotional and psychological work to learn how to not just mend and repair, but heal the consequences, and the cost and make her life much better than it could've been. 

I do want to add, it takes a lot of bravery to be honest about these things.

It will take a great deal of emotional and psychological work to learn how to not just mend and repair, but heal the consequences, and the cost and make her life much better than it could've been. 

Thank you for your lengthy and hard hitting reply, there is a lot to take in there and I will continue to read it over and over and take from it what I can.  I am prepared to put in the work required and realise the consequences of my failing her.