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Understanding feelings + trauma. 26yr male

sat1994

I’m having a real tough time understand feelings lately, I have recently found out I'm autistic and since then I’ve had to completely re-evaluate my life and who I am, I thought I was normal and everyone else just wasn't like me, I thought I was brain damaged due to trauma when I was young with self-harm, When I was a child I had some extreme traumatic feelings relating to death and I would scream awake at night and have sleep terrors and paralysis due to this, I would not sleep as I had dreams of members of my family blaming me for their deaths, this was all around when I was 8, since then the only emotion I can understand and recognise is anger or frustration, I cant express happiness or content or anything that normal people can express and I feel horrible, I dissociate  myself from most emotions, and therefor internalise them and ignore them, this makes me explosive when people slightly annoy me. I can recognise when I’m annoyed or upset until I explode in anger, if I even feel urge to have a “happy feeling” I must ask, am I allowed to feel it as I feel bad. I’m under the care of ADMHS but they are completely useless, and I cannot afford to go private ATM, I work nightshift Monday to Friday so all I do Is work sleep work sleep work sleep. My partner is at wits end with me as I cannot seem to change my habits with my mental health, I just feel lost and alone and stuck in my own head, I have ideas to end it all regularly, but I supress it all, I’m just venting and asking for advice. Also is any of this “normal” or am I just really screwed up? I don’t know any autistic people and I’m looking to learn more.

 

If anyone has any advice or anything, please feel free to give it,

Parents

  • Hi sat1994,

    so my name is Sam and I’m from Buckinghamshire, near London. I’m 30 years old and I’m currently awaiting a mental health assessment, which has been pending since about June 2021. I have habits which apparently relate to the spectrum and I have had since I was a very young boy, but they gradually got worse during my adulthood. I have anxiety, depression and I struggle from a kind of sexual obsessive disorder. I’ve had feelings of self harming before and have tried to commit suicide, until my friend stopped me. I often sleep because that feels like my only way to escape the world when I feel insecure and upset. Otherwise I merely try to keep myself to myself and accomplish what I know I really want to do in my heart. I can’t often talk about these things because some people don’t seem to understand and they judge. So I tend to hide my identity if I think I have to, until it makes me have panic attacks and I have an “episode”, where I need to contact somebody urgently. I have tried helplines, but I simply vent to my family instead and simply all they can do is listen. I do not think that what you’re struggling with is weird because you are your own kind of person and it is not your fault. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I suffered from emotional and physical abuse since I was 6 years old and have been sexually manipulated as a teenager. Trying to trust people is one of the hardest things in this world isn’t it and all you want is to be appreciated. If you just need to talk then please message me at any time. We cannot afford to suffer in silence anymore!

Reply

  • Hi sat1994,

    so my name is Sam and I’m from Buckinghamshire, near London. I’m 30 years old and I’m currently awaiting a mental health assessment, which has been pending since about June 2021. I have habits which apparently relate to the spectrum and I have had since I was a very young boy, but they gradually got worse during my adulthood. I have anxiety, depression and I struggle from a kind of sexual obsessive disorder. I’ve had feelings of self harming before and have tried to commit suicide, until my friend stopped me. I often sleep because that feels like my only way to escape the world when I feel insecure and upset. Otherwise I merely try to keep myself to myself and accomplish what I know I really want to do in my heart. I can’t often talk about these things because some people don’t seem to understand and they judge. So I tend to hide my identity if I think I have to, until it makes me have panic attacks and I have an “episode”, where I need to contact somebody urgently. I have tried helplines, but I simply vent to my family instead and simply all they can do is listen. I do not think that what you’re struggling with is weird because you are your own kind of person and it is not your fault. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I suffered from emotional and physical abuse since I was 6 years old and have been sexually manipulated as a teenager. Trying to trust people is one of the hardest things in this world isn’t it and all you want is to be appreciated. If you just need to talk then please message me at any time. We cannot afford to suffer in silence anymore!

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