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Hello and Help Please

Peggy-Sue

Hello Everyone

I am a mother of a 23 year old, who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when he was 14 years old.

Whilst he struggled slightly through school, he did go to University, moving away from home and became independent.

However, since he has come back, he has struggled immensely (which I presume is exasperated by Covid).

My son has got his first job through the Kickstart Programme, and for the first few weeks went well. He explained to them that he has Asperger's, which they accepted, until...

They went to a festival and ran a stall, in which my son started to be overcome with the noise and the amount of people. He had a sensory overload. He explained to his employer that this was happening and they just ignored him. He started to become withdrawn and is now in a complete burnout. He hasn't been to work for days, he won't come out of his room, and the only person he will talk to is me, and that's in 5-10 minutes bursts.

He won't talk to his employers. because they "don't understand and continually shout at him" (his words). He has spoken to Universal Credit (as it is a Kickstart Programme) and wants to give up this job.

I cannot get the contact details of the employer, as I feel that if I spoke to them, explaining his condition and how it effects him and how some of their actions are not helping (as I do believe my son's blunt manner doesn't help him), and how if they work with him, he is a great asset for them. 

Has anyone got any experience with this, or have any advice that may help?

  • in reply to Peter

    I did not know this! This changes things... 

  • This company is getting government money to employ your son. They signed an agreement that they would comply with equality law. I would imagine a swift kick up the pants from the kickstart program coordinator who sent them your son should mellow them out and make them more co operative.

    the important question is is the DWP employee in question actually on your sons side?

  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    Smaller business often have people wearing multiple hats. Which usually means everyone does some customer service. And I imagine Kickstarter has a lot of smaller businesses.

  • This sounds like the wrong environment for an autistic lad. Sounds like mismatch of his traits and employer. Does he have other support besides you? It can be draining for him and you. It might be worth letting GP know as he could be depressed under his autistic behaviour.

  • I have a 25 year old son. It sounds like you need to just write this one off as a loss. Men can feel less of a 'man' (I say this with respect to male-ness just as much as I respect female-ness and everything else) when their mothers take care of life things on their behalf. Definitely don't do it for him! It could possibly cause him to feel further embarrassment & humiliation. 

    I usually just take a role of being a kind of semi-sage / oracle (my son plays video games, we have a laugh about these roles) for him to confide in and get advice from. I feel like my job is to help him have his own Agency. I try to help where I can or simply ask.

    This experience could become a useful lesson for your son to begin to understand his limits and restructure how he engages. He'll need to assert his boundaries with an employer in order to be useful at whatever he does best. Failings like this can help him begin to work out where those limits exist - it's good for all of us to know our strengths and weaknesses, I believe it makes us more trustworthy humans. Many of us - ND and NT alike, cannot always identify the difference between healthy Boundaries and unhealthy Abuse or between what is helpful vs what could hinder / hurt us. 

    So, he knows a little more about himself now! He'll need to work out a system to Troubleshoot this messy scenario. Learning to navigate complex scenarios where one feels dismissed and disregarded is something all of us can use. I bought a few books for my son from The School of Life: https://www.theschooloflife.com But I'm sure you could google search some of the "systems of exchange" that happened with his employer and place of operation. From how to avoid situations that might cause a similar overload to ideas for careers which might be more suitable, to how to identify and navigate or remove yourself from people who have little understanding or little regard for your well-being. 

    Ideally, he needs a more suitable career, not one in customer service. I'd focus on the future and help him find the tools to button up this last employment situation. 

  • in reply to miaxx

    Hi 

    Thanks for replying. 

    Unfortunately, it's a small company, 2 bosses (husband and wife) and two other employees who are also on the Kickstart Scheme. 

    My son won't give me their details, and has shut himself in his room Pensive

  • See if the employer has a workplace adjustment team, HR, disability training, anything like that. Does your son have their contact details? Maybe ask him if you can?