Watching the Chris Packham program resulted in a major break through for me. It wasn't any one particular thing that Packham said or did, just the overall impression I got. The difficulty connecting with other people, the huge emotional connection with pets and nature, the obsessions, the geekyness, the strangeness (I mean, what sort of person puts their dead dogs in the freezer!!!?? (an animal loving Aspie does))
Immediately after watching the Chris Packham program I watched the following You Tube talk on Aspergers (Professor Tony Attwood discusses the defining characteristics of 'Aspies' - people with Asperger's Syndrome )
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuZFThlOiJI
I then knew for certain that I am on the spectrum.
For the first time I understood that you don't have to tick all of the boxes to be on the spectrum. Because I always thought that one of the hallmarks is being unable to read other people's facial expressions. I wrongly thought that because I can read people, therefore I cannot be on the spectrum. Also, the last time I looked into this, it was considered impossible to be diagnosed as an adult, without the condition first being recognised in childhood. I now understand how wrong this is, as it seems I have been getting by, by "masking". Thank God that knowledge and understanding has finally progressed. How thankful I am to finally know and understand this myself.
Suddenly, everything makes sense, when viewed through the Aspergers or Autism framework. Whereas before I knew, nothing really quite made sense. I think this is going to make a huge difference.
One of the things that made a lot of sense to me in particular, when nothing else has adequately explained my difficulties in this area so far, was his explanation about difficulties with understanding, moderating, and communicating my own emotions appropriately. I didn't previously have any idea that this was a part of the symptoms of being on the spectrum. The kind of thing that typically leads me to have emotional difficulties, is making some kind of social error, and getting negative feedback , and then getting upset about this, and then everything can snowball quite horribly. It all makes sense in terms of his description. This along with the persistent social and relationship difficulties mentioned in his first segment.
I don't need a proper medical diagnosis for external validation of this, I already know deep inside with absolute certainty that it is true, now that I understand better. I am still going to pursue a diagnosis for the reason that I can potentially access support with a diagnosis, and hopefully get help with learning how to adjust to this in the best possible and most constructive of ways. I've done a number of online tests to diagnose myself, including the medical screening AQ. I scored 6 or 7 out of 10 which is sufficient for a GP to make a referal, along with the report my social anxiety CBT therapist is going to make for me. I have also been well into the "full blown Aspie" band on another test. Well over on a few other tests I've done too.
I'm 50 years old now. This is better late than never for me. But there are inevitable regrets and frustrations at all those years of great confusion and misery. For instance, I believe that if this had been recognised earlier in my life it would have prevented me developing social anxiety disorder. Probably too late to change that now unfortunately.
On the positive side, I think that once I've processed all of this and gone through all the social situations with this new knowledge and understanding it can only help. I can sense that I'm not going to be so harsh on myself when interactions or social situations go badly and I get negative feedback from other people. I think I'm finally going to be able to get more comfortable with my quirkiness or perceived strangeness again. I totally lost my confidence for such a long time, and just trying to be 'normal' or 'ordinary' has kind of made me lose myself I think.
It's only just over one week ago that all of this has clicked for me. It's still very early days, but I'm already feeling like it's a huge weight off and such a relief to finally know what has been troubling me all this time.
(Edit: I have since watched the Tony Attwood video for a second time - and I am now beginning to have just a little doubt. For instance, when he says things like "persistent social difficulties" how persistent would that have to be? Like, do you always have to have difficulties with every person, or does it mean you sometimes have difficulties with some people, and in some situations for example? I know these are very specific questions, but it's hard to know exactly how to interpret some of this stuff? And this is leading to some doubt. The original certainty I felt is fading slightly due to watching a number of other videos and people talking about failing to get a diagnosis, and this has caused me to start worrying about that happening, and then feeling that there would be nowhere else to turn and that it would feel like the end of the road)
Is there anyone that is going through similar things, or maybe a little further down the road with the whole thing, or maybe much further down the road?
I'd love to hear some thoughts from anyone who feels they have anything they want to say, that would be great.
