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Revelations about relationships

NAS74612

Long story: I have Asperger's. I've never had a girlfriend, and now I know why.

I recently got out of hospital after essentially being assaulted by another person I know who has Asperger's. 

I had a housemate who has Asperger's. He coerced me out of my house and despite my repeated insistences that I wasn't interested, he decided that he was going to get me to join in on practice sword fighting. After a little bit, he struck me across the eye causing me to go blind in one eye and be in the hospital for a week. After the initial strike he said with zero emotion: "one inch higher and id have hit your temple. you'd probably be dead."

He later phoned to check on me in the ER, and the conversation, he apologized briefly, then went on a 20 minute diatribe about how after he's apologized once he feels no need to do it again despite putting someone in the hospital because he's "a diagnosed sociopath and that absolves him of all guilt.".

After the initial strike and after my senses kicked back in, I thought "if he's willing to do this to someone he used to be semi friendly with, god forbid he ever get into a relationship."

Then it clicked. I understood.

When I was a teenager I couldn't get a girlfriend. "Because I was weird and creepy". I was told children were cruel. These things would pass. They did not.   

When I hit my 20's, I couldn't get a girlfriend. "Because I was weird." "I was creepy" "I just want to be friends" etc etc. Things continued to not pass. After an event in which I confessed my feelings to someone, was rejected, again, and after a two week sinkhole where I stared really hard at the blades of my katanas, I phoned the girl. I accepted the screw up, apologized and moved on. My 20's continued in which I moved to a new country and thought I could try again. The result remained the same. 

During my 30's, I stopped trying. It wasn't worth the pain and the effort. 

I'm almost 40 now. I've always known there's been that weird aura of emotional unreadability between me and normal people. But now I understand it won't change. Women will always feel uncomfortable around me because "i'm not normal" "i emit weird energy" "you're strange" "you're fucking creepy" 

I mean, on the one hand, I don't  object to being single. I have money, free time, hobbies, whatever. 

But on the other, the clarity is incredibly painful.

   

  • in reply to Ian

    Hello, Ian.

    ASD stands for ‘autistic spectrum disorder‘. It’s the label given by medical professionals to someone with autism.  Medical professionals will always use the term ASD when referring to the condition.

    ASC stands for ‘autistic spectrum condition‘. This term is sometimes used by those outside the medical profession to describe someone with autism. The abbreviation ASC is becoming more widespread in use, especially by education and social care professionals who question whether autism should be viewed as a disability, as indicated by the word ‘disorder’. 

    Aspergers Syndrome is a very specific form of autism. People with Aspergers are often referred to as high-functioning because they will often be of average or above average intelligence, but may still need support with their ability to integrate socially, and how to relate to their classmates. People with Asperger's often suffer from very high anxiety levels. The term Asperger's Syndrome is no longer used by medical professionals or by education and social care professionals, but its use is still widespread in the autistic community.

    Background: In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association removed Asperger's Disorder from the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), offering instead the new diagnosis of: Autism Spectrum Disorder.

  • thank you for sharing. you're strong for going through all of that

    I think a lot of relationships around us that are normalised are unhealthy anyway, and I'm sceptical about romantic relationships and even friendships.

    I've had loads of bad experiences, like you - even with my own family and having an emotionally abusive dad who wrestled me to the ground when I was having a psychotic breakdown. I'm trying to be of the philosophy that what's good for me will flow, and it won't feel like a fight.  but I'm autistic and to be honest everything feels like a fight!

    being alone is nice in that way, because although from another's perspective it might not seem very enriching, spending all my time alone means I dont have to struggle for respect, or dignity, or to be accepted.

    may you continue to embrace your life's flow, namaste Blossomthough I wonder if you've ever tried a dating site, just for fun? ;)

  • Hi, Firstly I don't really know what asperges is, I shall look it up later, so if I say anything stupid sorry. have you tried to date make friends with other people with aspergers or with people that understand your condition? 

  • You could try dating another aspie. I mean, for both guys and girls on the spectrum, they have similar struggles, they've been called weird, they've been outcasts, they've felt drained and isolated, I mean, the person who will understand you the most, is another aspie.

  • Hiya,have you tried an Autistic date site?As that's where I met my man a while ago,we mainly became friends first,but we now have decided to live together(in a few months)and holding to marry in a years time.