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Lonely 26 year old son - what as parents can we do?

NAS74369

Hello.

We have a 26 year old son who is doing well academically (studying for PhD) but apart from this is struggling.

He spends the majority of his time in a studio in the garden, either reading or studying (his degree is part time distance learning so he rarely goes to the university).  This has been the situation for the last eighteen months. 

Despite trying he does not have a friend. Not one. He has been in two relationships in recent years but both girls finished with him due to his OCD challenges. He does not like pubs so that's out as he doesn't drink alcohol. He has no friends from school or university whilst doing his under grad and post grad.

He is a really nice person even though as parents we are biased!

it is really saddening to see that he has nobody apart from his mum and I to talk with as there is no family relatives. No friends. No one. 

Any suggestions as to how we could help him to at least have a chat with others that may lead to friendship such as clubs or associations he could join?

Thanks in advance.

  • I liked being on my own.  My mother’s anxiety about me needing to have friends seemed like I was not enough as I was.  I felt pressure to be someone else.   Try to smile and act as if the situation is great and it will turn out better.  

  • in reply to Loz

    yes PhDs are a highly focused process of drive to a single target.   I hope he makes its.

  • I agree with NAS74388. Is he actually lonely? Or do you think he is because you don't see him being sociable? I'm almost 40. I've never had a boyfriend, I have friendships with work colleagues, and people I used to study with, but they live their life and I live mine. The only time I feel lonely is when I'm expected to participate in social activities. I find them uncomfortable so I end up at the side of the room wishing I was anywhere else. I used to feel like a failure, it affected my mental health and I spent years trying to figure out why I was the weird one who couldn't fit in. Since then, I've found out about my Autism, now I realise that this is my way. I can cope with people far better at times where I need to be social because I don't do it often enough to get overwhelmed.

    The other thing to remember, is that your son is studying for a PHD. My brother has been through the process. It's a huge amount of work. Your son is also dealing with the effects of the pandemic on top of that which have changed the nature of how he learns. It seems to me that he has found out what is helping him to function at the moment and is committing himself to that which will give him the best possible future. That will change later on. But right now, if he is happy, if he is able to function well, than it's worth allowing him to do so.

  • Try not to put pressure on him ,society does enough of that , autism is not curable ,he has had a couple of girlfriends , so alot more than many .

  • Is your son actually lonely? My son is 17 and has HFA. He, too, has no friends. He spends breaks and lunchtimes alone (he’s in Sixth Form), with his headphones on “zoning out”. I don’t like that he’s alone but he tells me that he doesn’t feel lonely. He has problems communicating and has low self-esteem because of this but he assures me that’s not the reason why he prefers his own company. Perhaps your son is not lonely but could do with other forms of support. It’s probably better if you discuss your concerns with him and try to figure out what he wants. 

  • part time distance learning at a campus a long way a way? If it's local I'd suggest a student society that aligns with his hobbies and interests. If not is there a local university? Some student societies allow students from other institutions.

    Failing that look at activity groups based around some hobby / interest he has.

  • Can you get him on here ?   Which univeristy ? What subject ?