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I don't want to be autistic. I am though. Seeking advice.

NAS74368

I am a recently diagnosed autistic man in my forties (it's possible that I have ADHD too but assessment is just beginning) and I honestly don't know how to progress now I have that diagnosis. It isn't a diagnosis that can progress to treatment or cure, its like discovering I'm colour-blind (which I also am), sure it explains some things but there's no hope for progress (at least that's how it feels to me).

I've always struggled with social interactions, I've always been incredibly uncomfortable with eye-contact and prolonged physical contact, I have always had special interests that I throw myself into obsessively, I have always had many other features of autism and I thought that pursuing a diagnosis alongside counselling would leave me with a better understanding, fairer assessment and kinder opinion of myself (I have had depression and anxiety for over twenty years also). It hasn't (in fact my depression has sunk to an all-time low since the diagnosis).

It's left me with an identifiable part of myself that I – in all honesty – would love to cut out. I'd happily give up the enjoyment of my special interests if it meant that I could be comfortable with the kinds of interaction with the world that non-autistic people do.

In short, I don't want to be autistic even though I know there's nothing I can do about it.

Any help or advice would be very welcome.

Parents

  • I got myself a diagnosis at 59. it's a two edged thing, with upsides and downsides. 

    The upside, is that NOW YOU KNOW. You know you are carrying what is widely regarded as a disorder, but which also it turns out has certain upsides. ONE of which is a get out of jail free card, for if you do screw up badly and realise it was due to the Autism.

    Another upside is that you know you got where you are in life, carrying a load that most people do not.

    Yet another upside, (although it feels less like an upside than you'd expect!), is that you get to review your own decision making process and make changes if you feel that to be neccessary. 

    I've been grappling with the diagnosis for over a year now, and in some ways it's made my life and relationships better, but there is that sense of "I'm stuck with this". Except that I may not be powerless, actually. During my 59 years as a "normie" I have overcome some of my Autism traits, because I didn't want to behave that way .

    Now I have more of an ability to see how others perceive me, (I've also been recording myself and looking at it, partly with horror and partly with pride. It feels a bit narcissistic, but I just needed to know...) I can decide what I would like to change and if I can muster the will power and energy, make those changes. OR not.

    Google "Autism Card" and see if they do them where you live. When my o/h gets bent out of shape over something I really can't help, the expression "I'm really sorry I did that, I'll try not to do it again, but... Autism" Used once, maybe twice a year, can restore harmony I've found...

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  • I got myself a diagnosis at 59. it's a two edged thing, with upsides and downsides. 

    The upside, is that NOW YOU KNOW. You know you are carrying what is widely regarded as a disorder, but which also it turns out has certain upsides. ONE of which is a get out of jail free card, for if you do screw up badly and realise it was due to the Autism.

    Another upside is that you know you got where you are in life, carrying a load that most people do not.

    Yet another upside, (although it feels less like an upside than you'd expect!), is that you get to review your own decision making process and make changes if you feel that to be neccessary. 

    I've been grappling with the diagnosis for over a year now, and in some ways it's made my life and relationships better, but there is that sense of "I'm stuck with this". Except that I may not be powerless, actually. During my 59 years as a "normie" I have overcome some of my Autism traits, because I didn't want to behave that way .

    Now I have more of an ability to see how others perceive me, (I've also been recording myself and looking at it, partly with horror and partly with pride. It feels a bit narcissistic, but I just needed to know...) I can decide what I would like to change and if I can muster the will power and energy, make those changes. OR not.

    Google "Autism Card" and see if they do them where you live. When my o/h gets bent out of shape over something I really can't help, the expression "I'm really sorry I did that, I'll try not to do it again, but... Autism" Used once, maybe twice a year, can restore harmony I've found...

Children
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