my autistic boyfriend doesn't feel like my boyfriend half the time?

I am in my 50s and can totally relate you all you are  saying, I split with my partner of 18 months three weeks ago, I really loved him... it was like a dream come true at first... now he just announced he can’t ‘do it anymore’ and that was that... he’s gone it before over the years too... I’ve been so lost and lonely, that it’s partly a relief... he has no diagnosis but he’s textbook, and deep down he knows it. Despite all this it’s such a loss and I feel like the whole thing was fake?? He says he is also upset and I believe him, it’s just not how things are dealt with is it? You can’t tell someone you love then one minute and the next you e changed your mind... do I figure that he’s probably done me a favour in the long run... heartbroken as I am... love to all who are struggling with this. 

I am in my 50s and can totally relate you all you are  saying, I split with my partner of 18 months three weeks ago, I really loved him... it was like a dream come true at first... now he just announced he can’t ‘do it anymore’ and that was that... he’s gone it before over the years too... I’ve been so lost and lonely, that it’s partly a relief... he has no diagnosis but he’s textbook, and deep down he knows it. Despite all this it’s such a loss and I feel like the whole thing was fake?? He says he is also upset and I believe him, it’s just not how things are dealt with is it? You can’t tell someone you love then one minute and the next you e changed your mind... do I figure that he’s probably done me a favour in the long run... heartbroken as I am... love to all who are struggling with this. 

i hope we manage to make it last that long, i don't see myself meeting someone as gentle and non judgemental as him, again

It looks like you're doing somethings to work toward growing together! Give it a few years of trial and errors. Treat it like an experiment but also remember it is no small matter, the repsonsiblity of another's heart. We need a bestie, who has our back & who can depend on us. But that takes time and learning and moments of just experiencing life together. But good for you on where you're headed!!! 

Excellent about the counselling! That is like gold. 

Anger "management' is an interesting term. One should be angry about injustice, abuse, a lack of feeling protected by those who were responsible... one should feel these emotions because they are real. 

I get angry at interruptions, at not finding words, difficultly googling a thing because never an AI and I got along. I get angry at sensory overload at blinding LEDs and cruel, presumptuous, arrogant behaviour.

Managing this when we live in a seemingly unfairly ableist society means having small indulgences and spending time on my own breathing it out. I would look at learning to assert healthy 'Boundaries' (do some googling or ask your therapist). Don't allow others to demand your attention whenever they wish -for example. Sometimes 2 people just need to sit down and write out where their 'triggers' are and agree to Help each other and not compound the Hurt.

so in the first part of the relationship, before we broke up, we basically lived together (even though we live in separate flats). he was here all the time and i think it cultivated a toxic environment because it was too soon. we treated it as going with the flow, but the actual dynamic was unnecessarily serious. it led to a lot of arguments about petty things.. and when he's confronted about anything he gets triggered and shuts down..

he "broke up" with me roughly a month ago because i threatened to leave if he didn't fulfil an expectation, something we both know he can't do anyway

now that i've reflected and he warmed back up to me (i didnt think he would i was so heartbroken lol) we're:

- spending less time together bc 2 autistic people constantly being around each other was probably a terrible idea

- communicating slightly better during disagreements, mostly on my end because he actually doesn't argue, he's never shouted or responded emotionally while i argue at him, so now i try approach it neutrally and basically reflect his own approach, and if i do start getting angry i'll exit the situation then come back and explain what happened in my head

- in his case i've noticed he is being a little bit more attentive to my emotions and needs, it's always at really unexpected moments, but there was a specific instance where after i slept with him i got depressed (i have body image and confidence issues) left his flat and he started texting me really sweet things to cheer me up, he said "today is be happy day so be happy" obviously not a thing, but cute that he pretended for me

however i wrote this post because i still feel weird and uncertain about how unconventional the rship is in the wider picture, there still isn't that much real life affection in our interactions, only when we lay beside each other/sleep etc

laraiesha said:

even though i struggle to feel secure in this relationship, i do see and feel moments of him loving me

How can you and he work together more as a team? While it's enjoyable to depend on someone else, it's far more rewarding to operate on an equal level with someone you love. 

If one is more responsible, they can feel worn down quick. If one is more dependant they can begin to feel trapped. 

yeah i'm currently doing counselling, i also need anger management classes because leaving my family home made a lot of suppressed emotions in me suddenly erupt and i take it out on him sometimes

laraiesha said:

i kind of depend on my boyfriend to numb that

I would start to catch yourself with this, though. He's human, not super-human. Work out what he is capable of and willing to do to show support. Allow him room to grow as well!

If you can, see your GP and work out how to get occasional therapy to get all of this past nonsense to no longer have a hold on you. You don't want to rely on a chap who's still figuring himself out and doesn't have a PhD to help you navigate all the emotional and psychological impacts. This would be like asking him to work out if you had cancer: better done by a specialist.  Allow someone who's trained to help. I still meet with a therapist once a month. 

u pair will be fine --- i agree with JuniperFromGallifrey  on taking up Yoga

i love this advice.. it's why i've been reading more and trying to plan trips around the english countryside. i want my boyfriend to come to a couple as well. even though i struggle to feel secure in this relationship, i do see and feel moments of him loving me, and i understand he has his own mental cage preventing him from expressing certain things, so to me it feels like a hard lesson around the only person being able to save me is me

I'm sorry - it sounds like you had a really hard childhood. But...

OH... "Trust" issues! And "Insecurities". 

Those 2 fabulous things pop-psychology and un-investigated social norms have given young women. To keep them throughouly and completley oppressed!!! 

1. YOU SHOULD have trust issues haha. Repeat this mantra! "Respect is easy to give, but you will need to EARN my trust." Trust is Very Very expensive and should never be given freely. Stay incredibly clear of individuals who 'demand' to be trusted and are too lazy or predatroy to bother to earn your trust. 

Trust is earned through Respectfulness, being Truthful and Honest (mind sometimes we don't see a full picture or are not aware of our deeper 'truths' - let alone how to show that to others). It is earned through Dependability and Investment. Trust can always be grown and sometimes it can be destroyed. Depending on whether someone is Open and Willing to Grow, change, "become", in my book, and depending upon repeat offences will dictact if I give them another chance to prove themselves. 

Also, Trust is a system. I can Trust a chair won't fall apart if I've sat on it enough times. I can trust someone who has proved to continually character assassinate everyone they know to me, to talk behind my back as well. 

The world is not trust-worthy: every human is self-invested. Many are in Survival Mode. It is rare we meet someone, build a mutually respectful bond with and begin to invest in each other in a way which helps both humans become better. Parents, for instance should be Responsible for and toward their children. But many are messy, some are abusive and occasionally there is the odd one who is self-sacrificing and healthy. 

The world is a very un-secured place. Our Capitalistic Western societies are driven by competition and fantasy. Wall Street is place of extreme anxiety. Because Money is a facade. Groups of humans and Companies and Rituals and life in general can all hinge on these threads of randomness or threads of great consequence. The plates under the ocean can move at any given moment for whatever reason and cause a de-centering / earthquake on land. If anyone thinks they can call you Insecure for even sensing an un-secured situation or un-secured connexion or un-secured demand, run far away from them. An intelligent human might laugh with you and agree at just how unrelaible and unstable and malfunctioning everything is. One of the philosohpers I abosloutely love would say: "Society functions because it malfunctions"

This is not to make you more anxious. This is to say: You have recieved excatly what society wants young women to recieve ONLY I would like to give you an "Escape Hatch": Knowledge. 

The best way to become a little more Steadfast, wise, seemingly confident and Inspired is to Hunt down knowledge and understanding. Live in the Library! Dig into Understanding your self, the world maybe even go on a spiritual journey, take up running or yoga - something you can do barefoot in a park for free! Get to know your own limits, stegnths and weaknesses. I can give a measure of trust to someone who's aware of thier limits and complexities and can laugh about thier control issues. It takes time... give it 10 years. Make a plan!

To over-state the topic: No one just hands over their bank account when another demands it and then gaslights them into beleiving they have 'trust' issues. Hahaha that would be preposterous! But this is exactly what is happening to young women in society. 

excellent stuff

now it sounds that you pair are adjusting slowly to each other so I think you will be ok in the end.  But I am no expert at relationships between 2 Neurodiverse people.

i just woke up so won't reply in detail but i read this entire comment and i think i agree. i've been through a lot of terrible things in my life including abuse from the age of zero, and now i feel like if i don't step up and truly live for myself then why am i here? it's really hard to maintain that mindset though when my horrific past instilled vicious insecurities and trust issues in me, i kind of depend on my boyfriend to numb that, but of course it always creeps in again whether he's here or not

i wrote my post very quickly because i was tired.

i should add that there are times he comes off as a little defeated or sad when i express i'm annoyed or taking time to myself because of something he did, and i'm not sure how i should perceive that - as him caring or just being childish?

at the same time, he struggles IMMENSELY with apologizing in response to me verbally and clearly communication that he's upset or pissed me off. he only reacts in that ^ way, as in, gives a nonverbal response, when i don't say it, but show it. interesting because from what i've heard it's usually the opposite for autistic people

edit: additionally, i've already consistently expressed what "basic" boyfriend things i want him to do but i don't think he understands properly what a relationship is because every time he seems confused and my frustration builds up because it feels as if he's not listening to me

a lot, we actually broke up once over it before, he apparently got triggered by my criticisms and left, we started dating again a few weeks ago

My son is the same age as your boyfriend. He struggles a lot with relationships and deals with his own crushing anxiety at times. When I was your age, here's what I wished I had known.

Men can often feel the weight of the pressures of society to take control, be in charge, the 'Man Up', all these things which can be crippling emotionally have an affect of forcing them to compare themselves and feel incredibly inadequate and also aren't allowed to show it or work thorugh it properly. They need a good cry occasionally. It can cause them to freeze or check out. They can lose all hope and crumble in to a small pile of sadness.

Females have these auto-pilot mechanisms sometimes driven by a window of time to find a suitable mate and hopefully procreate. It can also cause a great deal of stress, anxiety from being told all ways to compete, create a sort of 'blinding' effect hunting for a Responsible, Mature individual (one that looks like a super-hero type who says and does all the right things now he's 40 and been through a great deal). But this Default Switch is a trap and females will do/say/become anything for the other. They'll betray their closest friends, they'll put themselves in harms way, they'll sacrifce everything that makes them beautiful. It's not a 'Safe-Mode'. We often feel like we have no power.

This to say, you shouldn't run to rescue the other. Sometimes just becoming an inspiring, respectful human with good emotional and psychological 'boundaries' (something to google) can have an affect of the other doing the same. 

While there is more biology and more socially encoded doctrines at work here, it just makes for a mess. You're both so young! And without a healthy, well-informed and helpful parent or community around, these 'pairings' can just cancel each other out too quick when unaware of the forces at work to ruin us.

I'll list a few things which can help. 

1. What do you want - not from him exactly, but for your self? I would list 10 immediate things you'd like (to have and/or become) and 10 long-term goals. This may take a week perhaps to think about. 

2. What do you like to do when you're bored. Or if you feel you cannot afford this, are there alternate things to be done? Do these things. Would you be able to join a maker space? Or a book club? Second hand books are amazingly cheap! Do you like to sew? Can you make a pillow case out of an old T shirt or get one from a charity shop? Do small and important fun things every day. Create small rewards for your human self! 

2 and a half: invest time and kindness into another female friend. 

3. Everywhere I've looked, relationships require just a few things. This mutual 'chemical' bond (being attracted to the others scent, for instance), and building trust through reliability and respectfulness, and communication: the easist way to express is by asking if a thing helps or hurts. Does it push you away or make you want to be closer. Instigate kindness. Or humour, if you can: "How would YOU love to buy me a new pillow case???" You could go full scale Disney Princess vibes with this. 

One of the biggest factors in communication (besides it being excrutiatingly difficult) is learning that my telepathy powers and your telepathy powers are wanting, unfortunately. They're awful. They won't ever get better. I can't know if I don't ask and you won't know if I don't tell you. And Direct. Now, a big reason for a female Not Being Direct: he might dismiss me, which eatas away at my ability to trust he's open to direct communication. He might verbally reduce things which makes me beautiful or Uniquely Me, by questioning why I want a thing or why it's important. Here is where the confidence of a 40 year old woman is beneficial! I can stop those questions immediately because I have no desire to be reduced or be less attractive or less myself - that's his problem and I won't be intimiated by thought-less and pointless interrogation. You can respect me as a human and care about what feels important to me or not and I can move on. But NOTE: Wanting to do a thing and not being able to do a thing or feelling helpless and not good enough are different. 

But also learning to communicate before I've worked out who I am and what I want and before I've worked out what my expectations are and if they're unreasonable or just how much I'm misunderstanding and misidentifying... It's a LOAD of work you may do for the next 10 years or more. And you might feel helpless and trapped and completely unsure of how to navigate through life. 

Spend time become Uniquely You and learning to kindly communicate what you need! You are worth-while and worth spending time on and being open, reasonable, and becoming a worth-while partner. Inspire each other to next levels of human-ness. :)

there are some odd things in way he treats you in your text.  At the moment I would say you are not boyfriend/girlfriend in the classic sense. 

1. so try telling him what you what  from him to see what happens.  

also

2. try staying with a friend overnight for a day to see if he notices. 

after trying 1 & 2  you have to decode if you can spent the rest of your life with such a person as they are or try to find someone else

How much of this have you communicated to him?