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ADVICE REGARDING DIFFICULT CIRCUMSTANCES

Charlotte

Hi, 

this is my first post. I could really use some advice regarding my current situation. 
I am diagnosed autistic with OCD, Moderate Depression, Anxiety Disorder, GAD7, Agoraphobia and Panic Disorder as well as social phobia. 
my physical health isn’t great and I have a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and I’m currently seeing an immunologist, Haematologist & a Rheumatologist. 
I have been receiving disability benefits from 2006. I had to quit work due to my mental health and well-being. 
I was living with my mother at the time. My mother insisted that my benefits be paid into her account if I wished to live under her roof. Given that I had nowhere else to go I unwillingly agreed to this, (I was told on many occasions that if I had them changed back into my account I would have to leave home, Being that I am autistic and vulnerable and physically ill I knew this was not possible and this is how my mother maintained control over me, 

In 2012 after my gran passed away my mother asked me if I would like a new car as I have a driving license. I said yes as this would greatly benefit my quality of life as I would be able to attend hospital appointments etc… (as I was and still am unable to use public transport). 

My relationship with my mother has always been turbulent. 
in December 2019 I came to Bewdley to visit my fiancé. His mum and him drove me from Scotland to England. This was supposed to be a visit but then CoVid happened and I was unable to travel home. During my time here I had to start paying for housekeeping/digs but my mum was still receiving my benefit payments into her account. I advised that I would have to have them paid into my account so that I could pay my fiancé’s mother for living here. 

After I took back my benefits my mother ignored me for 3 months. I had a bad argument with my fiancé and contacted my mother who then told me that I was not all to go home. (Bearing in mind that all my belongings, my cat, car etc… are still in Scotland). 

My mother said I could go and collect my car etc.., however I just found out yesterday that she has sold my car. The problem is I do not know who’s name was on the V5 document because my mother dealt with the paperwork due to my autism deficits. 
I am heartbroken and in shock, I am also terrified that she may have started to or has already sold my possessions/belongings. I’m 400 miles away and she will not talk to me and states I cannot go home, I made monthly payments on the car for 5 odd years which she supposedly deducted from my benefits. 
I do not believe that this is fair or legal and I don’t know who to turn to or what to do as I do not have any other family, just my mum. 
Does anyone know whether I have any grounds for taking legal action against my mother. She has essentially extorted and taken advantage of my vulnerability as a person with autism and mental/physical health problems. 

I would be very grateful if someone could perhaps guide or advise as to any action I can take or if there is anything I can do? I’m very distraught and in shock. 

thank you 

Regards Charlotte 

  • in reply to Blue

    Oh wow. This is horrifying, so unjust and so incredibly sadistic. And makes me really sad. I truly hope your life now and entire future is filled with overwhelming amounts of kindness and respect, purpose and room to breathe. 

    I do believe we reap what we sow. People who have been grossly unkind to me in the past have not finished life well. That doesn't actually doesn't make me feel better, but it's brought a sense of endurance and different way of understanding justice. 

  • in reply to Blue

    thats a truly awful account of abuse 

  • Your better off cutting your mother out of your life, My brothers and step father are like your mother but worse on so many levels and since I have left my childhood home this year with additional support I have felt relief I have never felt before. Like your mother my brother which are all older than me took and sold any possessions they could stop me taking with me or I could take with me.

    They killed my dog, they got a bolt gun that they use to kill livestock and shot her a week before I left my childhood home and they killed my fish the morning I was moving out in order to attempt at postponing me from moving. deliberately trying to cause a meltdown or mental breakdown. They tried to leave bills in my name like the electric, water and internet which my support worker dealt with. 

    Like you they had a grip on my money, they would open my mail and bank statements, I was paying for the electric for six people, water bill for six people, Internet and council tax while on universal credit. They basically trapped me at home for nearly eight years to pay their bills and when they wanted more out of me they forced me to work on a livestock farm where i was crippled. 

  • I found this.

    Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015

    An offence is committed by A if:

    • A repeatedly or continuously engages in behaviour towards another person, B, that is controlling or coercive; and
    • At time of the behaviour, A and B are personally connected; and
    • The behaviour has a serious effect on B; and
    • A knows or ought to know that the behaviour will have a serious effect on B.

    A and B are 'personally connected' if:

    • they are in an intimate personal relationship; or
    • they live together and are either members of the same family; or
    • they live together have previously been in an intimate personal relationship with each other.

    There are two ways in which it can be proved that A's behaviour has a 'serious effect' on B:

    • If it causes B to fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against them - s.76 (4)(a); or
    • If it causes B serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on their day-to-day activities - s.76 (4) (b).

    Taking money for a car registered in her name for your use with the intention of selling it or insisting your benefits get paid to her in order for you to live there may count as controlling or coercive behaviour. It may also be fraud. Beyond the car selling your property without consent may be theft. #notlegaladvice

    tl;dr talk to a lawyer.

  • This is incredibly aweful!!! I'm so sorry. I have a mum like this: controlling, who also stole from me, used ghosting as manipulation, had little respect for my boundaries. The further away I moved from her, the easier it was to take control of my life back. And when I did, I suddenly wasn't as ill as often. I suddenly didn't have strange fears. She once told me how she hated my NeuroDivergent characteristics (which I find amazing). It saddens me sometimes, but unfortunately, we cannot have a relationship. Realising how cruel someone who's supposed to offer us protection can be, is a hard betrayal. I still feel it, but I cannot control how she has decided to be. 

    You need practical solutions and practical support. I agree with contacting the police to arrange to collect your possessions, or maybe another family member or friend / friends Dad or Mum who could go round? I've been in a few compromising situations where I've lost possessions and in the end, stuff is just stuff. Health and Time are 2 things incredibly difficult to replace (one only metaphysically) and not worth making unecessary sacrifices for. 

    What you've described is emotional and psychological abuse and it would be important to phone the National Helpline: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

    Once you feel safe and have a moment to breathe, it might be good to research a bit more on 'controlling mothers' in order to identify some of what you've experienced and steps toward a better life. I went from an abusive mother to an abusive spouse - but only for a moment and literally had enough. But not before he bankrupted me (we moved back to the States), and kidnapped my son (and then his father passed away after my son graduated Uni). I can tell you my journey was a bit long, but I lierally stumbled into a career they were both (according to my son) jealous of, became a person I like being, found practical ways of living and feeling healthy, learned practical ways of finding and investing in good humans. It wasn't easy, but all the extra health and psychological problems just disappeared after allowing myself to be removed from the stress of cruel and manipulative humans (which took me a long time to learn to identify). 

    Hugs.

  • in reply to Charlotte

    Thats really awful for you, best of luck getting things sorted.

  • in reply to aidie

    Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate it greatly. I will contact Citizens Advice tomorrow and the police. As all my disability benefits were being paid into her account she was deducting the car payments from my benefits. 
    I am just really concerned that she may have sold my belongings too. 

    kind Regards 

    charlotte 

  • as far as I know,

    if the finance payment contract was in your mothers name, the finance company owns the car, until it is paid off then it becomes hers. It is really a loan which your mother is liable for.  You could talk to  a solicitor but unless you can prove that you where paying for the car,   i think you have very little chance. 

    Your mum may have made a loss after the car was sold.  I dont know. 

    If you contact the police and arrange a time to retrieve your possessions you have ever right to do that. 

    I am no legal expert.