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Advise please. Think my partner has AS and we're failing.

pjnt

 

Hi all,



First time user and first time posting.



I really could use some advise. Here is the story, for all interested. And, thanks in advance for your time and any feedback.



I met my partner 10 years ago at university on her exchange program. I lived in Canada (Brit born) and she was German, we both were studying math/com sci. She blew me away and in a very short time (6 days) we committed to seeing each other again. Over the next 2 years we spent far to much time crossing the Atlantic. With this infrequent rendezvous it was difficult to see anything but the initial love/lust.

After 2 years she became pregnant. I stooped school with the intention to return and finish me degree, moved to Germany to help with the later stages on the pregnancy and so she could finish her masters, which she was top of her class.

Once in Germany we did our best - the first real time living together. I loved her funny behaviours IE. stacking books, clothes and just about anything in neat little pyramids throughout her apartment. Organizing board game pieces by colour. Then our first child was born - I quickly suspected post pregnancy depression, and tried to give her time and space to recover. She finished her degree, we returned to Canada.

The 6 months in Canada was hard. She went out alone, jogged/cycled for hours, met no one and rapidly became very unhappy. She missed her 2 friends in Germany and her family. She also hated the 'inequality' of the house chores, I worked while she tried to find employment so I could finish my studies. She never made a phone call, sent out a CV or made any attempt to obtain employment. With her degree and Canada’s employment opportunities, work was waiting to be had. We quit Canada and came back, I was frustrated.

Once back in Germany the same situation of her not finding work left us broke, living with her parents and frustrated. In an explosion of frustration (I know I use the word too much, however, it is the only one that fits-exactly) I got directly involved in her search. Shortly there after, she had work, in the mathematical field - perfect. Kid #2 on the way.

We moved near her new job. The second child was born, and all looked positive for the future. We both believed a stay at home parent was important for the children's development, so I got the job. No regrets, I really enjoyed it. However, the household chores were again the topic. She felt they were unequally distributed. To the point were a detailed list was made up, times spent on them were noted and negative reinforcement should the 'contract' be broken. It was strange, but made her happier. After some time my social life expanded, I've always been a natural at finding new people to chat with. However our family social life was non-existent. She had no new friends, only the 2 which I had met a handful of times. No work parties, dinners or outings which would involve us both. The only dinners were of my creating and she would often just sit quite and eat and then go to bed early. I also started to notice her picking at her shoulders. I asked about it and she said she didn't like the black zits there. Although I wasn't certain they were there, nuff said, since the response was too direct. Things were difficult and I asked about counselling to help us, she refused. Child #3.

Time for a house for our ever expanding family. We managed a nice home with family help. 2 years into her new job, no increases in salary but an ever increasing work load and responsibility by her employer. When I questioned the situation, she said she would ask about a raise. That is the same answer today - I never brow beat her over this, just asked infrequently. I know shes good at her job, very good. A natural number cruncher, but couldn't explain the re-numeration. About a year into our new home we had a problem with the phone. The line went dead. I tried to call but it was in her name and they refused to help me. I asked my partner to call and the resulting explosion nearly ended our relationship. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to convince her a quick call to the the phone company would resolve the problem. Now on hindsight, the phone wasn't the problem, it was the quick call. Things were degrading. I became increasingly frustrated that I was always told I didn't do my 'share' around the house. The family money was controlled by her with scrooge like accuracy. She complained that my way of life didn't allow her to plan her days properly. She had an office in our attic, which had the nice pyramids all over but she complained she needed more room. I gave her the full attic. Within a month the entire area was stacks of books, clothes, chairs and all sorts of things.

I organized a BBQ and we invited friends. Well I did, and a few of her co-workers did come. At one point a good friend of mine was talking with my partner. A moment later he was covered in sangria - in total shock. My partner was smiling while holding her empty glass, like it was a well played out joke. 5 minutes later she's in tears in the kitchen wondering why everyone was so upset. These patterns have gone on for 5 1/2 years in the home. Things were getting unbearable.

7 months ago I finally got her to go to a psychologist for partnership work. We talked about our problems, not the events, but how we felt. What was needed. Well I did. My partner just said all the things that I did which was incompatible with her and she wasn't happy and that the relationship was done. I admittedly was over-stubborn and refused to concede defeat and insisted we could work things out. During this time I started to investigate her psyche. It wasn't depression, and the only thing I kept turning up was autism. However, this was too extreme. I kept reading and searching. Last month I got an order to appear in court to move out. Both me and our psychologist were in shock.

First off, I'm no angle, but no demon either. It takes 2 to tango in a relationship. I haven't outlined the regular relationship issues, just the ones related to her. So please don't take me wrong. I have good/bad days like most. I have skeletons in my closet, too.

Next, I have never wanted to leave. She's extraordinary. Her strengths are tremendous. I've always tried, not always successfully to address her concerns. She's a genius at organizing, her work is fantastic (still waiting for that raise, though) and a calender in her head. She can tall me which day of the week is was 234 years, 45 days ago in a few seconds. Dates/events that have taken place are re-callable instantly. I'm no fool. I would have graduated with a 1-3 (British equivalent) degree in mathematics. I suspect that our similar interests gave much leeway in our relationship.

Now I'm stuck. I am moving out, we'll share everything equally. I mean equally. She asked me to write down EVERYTHING we've ever bought and their respective values in lists. The things aren't split so much by who needs what, but by what the numbers at the bottom line say. They need to be equal. Her shoulders have scar tissue on them from the constant picking. We'll share exact amounts of time with the kids. She's offered, even though it not feasible to support 2 full households, exactly half her income as my share.

I don't want to leave, I love this woman. She is a great mother, too. When she's with the kids, she focuses absolutely on the kids. Although she is frequently late (she calculates how long it takes to get somewhere and leaves exactly no time for error IE a red light) but always reliable. We've built a good thing here, but she doesn't want it any longer. That’s when I found out about Aspergers through a science podcast, 3 days ago.

I've read and read. The first page I went over looked like a psychological outline of my soon to be ex. I was stunned. Everything I read could easily by applied to our relationship. Papers on AS/NT were written just for us. Behaviour patterns are text book. Why didn't I see this before? Why couldn't I connect the dots a few years ago? I'm no longer frustrated with her, but with myself. Only at the end, do I understand.

I've mentioned this to her. She says she'll read up on it, after I leave. I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. Any advise is most eagerly welcome.



Patrick

  • Hi,

    Just to wish you luck.

    Longman is far more measured in his repsonse than I would be in intial reaction ( I would have said AS sounds likely!). However sometimes it is both nature and nurture, as someone with AS who comes from a German background I think that the Germanic tendency to order is quite autistic.

  • Hi Zoe,

    Thanks for the reply. It is a frustrating situation. Our psychologist has helped us with many things recently, and she continues to do so.

    My ex read through all the execelent web pages here and said she was very happy to finally put words to her inner thoughts and feelings. She has embraced AS and a highly probable diagnosis which will be persued in her own time. Come what may out of our relationship, at least her future has brightened with this knowledge!

    I'll just keep reading. Books and advise like yours and the other contributors here are all helping. Again, thanks.

     

    Patrick

  • Hello Patrick

    I'm sorry to hear of your distress and of the difficulties of your current circumstances.  I cant really offer much by way of advice - I would have suggested counselling for you to help you come to terms with the breakup of your relationship - if you're already seeing a Psychologist then would it be possible for the Psychologist to help you through this difficult period?

    I would just add a note of caution here, however - does your current Psychologist have a good understanding of the impact of autism in a relationship, esp. where the person with autism is female?  Not all Psychologists will have the level of expertise/understanding required to support someone through this kind of situation - I do think a good understanding of the impact of autism is essential, where autism is confirmed/suspected.

    The other thing that might help is talking to other men who've been in a similar situation if you can find any, perhaps ask at local support groups or on internet groups specifically for men with Aspergers partners?  If you're lucky, you might come across someone who knows of a Psychologist or Counsellor who specialises in counselling couples where one has autism....but it will probably help you to talk to other men who've been in a similar situation anyway.

    As a parent of a child with autism I find my best advice comes from other parents who've been through a similar situation.

    Please dont give yourself a hard time for not knowing about Aspergers - why would you?  Most people know little about it until it affects them in some way.

    I hope this is of some help

    Zoe

  • Thank you for your reply. I've read a number of times about putting the horse before the cart can mis-diagnose. I will do my best not to fall into this catagory... not that I could diagnose anyway.

     

    I agree jumping to conclusions is bad scientific reasoning.

     

    My ex has extrodinary testostrone levels. I've noticed that levels in the womb while developing possibly could lead to autism. This is, like you have pointed out, just another seperate peice of information to be considered. There are also many patterns similar to her mother, so perhaps is is behavoural training, and not autism related. Which brings up genetics...

     

    I need a professional.

     

    I am, and will continue to investigate.  Your reading suggestions will be readily digested.

     

    Many, many thanks for your leveled responce.

     

    Patrick

  • Hi Patrick,

    If I might venture a reply, and hopefully others will follow, you probably need to read up around relationships where AS is involved in one or other partner. You might get the following in a library or if you can find if you have a parent group in your area they might let you consult their library (NAS website has a search function for local organisations).

    The danger with trying to read website descriptions of autism into things you perceive in your partner is a bit like self-diagnosis using a medical textbook.  You need to get some acquaintance with other people's experiences.

    Rodman, Karen E. (2003) "Asperger's Syndrome and Adults.... Is anyone Listening?" (Jessica Kingsley Publishers) is full of first hand experience chapters by couples, and I find it a useful perspective.

    Edmonds, Genevieve & Beardon, Luke (2008) "Asperger Syndrome & Social Relationships - Adults Speak Out about Asperger Syndrome" (Jesicca Kingsley Publishers).

    Failing those two, you might find useful, though possibly too specific a relationship and too speculative - Jacobs, Barbara (2003) "Loving Mr Spock - Aspefrger's Syndrome and how to make your relationship work" (Penguin).

    Reading your account I can see certain organisational and behavioural characteristics that might be read as autistic spectrum but also have other causes.

    Not always, but mostly, people on the spectrum may be quite socially aloof (though they might master everyday work relations), which is not quite the same as not having friends. It would be about eye contact, not picking up on the thread of conversations, misunderstanding conversations, butting in or bad timing in conversations. The description you give suggests someone quite competent even if having some tricky behaviours.

    You also need to consider need for routine (some of which you've identified) reaction to noise and proximity of people especially where complex, and intense focus on things. Just having a good memory for dates may not point to the kind of recall that someone on the spectrum would have. Associated conditions such as dyslexia are quite common.

    Mathematical ability is often rather specific, rather than able to get a degree in mathematics which requires abstract thinking and wide ranging skills.

    Hope this helps, and hopefully others will contribute.

    Good luck