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disclosure to loved ones

whatnots2015

I haven't yet told anyone in my family about my wait for assessment of both ADHD and autism. I don't think that some of them would be very sympathetic, they've always had me down as naughty or idle or quiet or shy or something. So good reason to avoid doing that and just live my happy neurodiverse life away from them and mask on the odd occasion when I'm with them now that I've got married (to my autistic husband, yay!) and left home.

However, I have an autistic relative who is 12 years old, coming up to that difficult age of puberty with all those emotional and physical changes when differences between them and peers will be even more noticeable. Sadly their parents are still of the opinion that autism is an excuse for bad behaviour etc and it was possibly someone at school who recently told them that they are autistic, not their parents!

I'm wondering if it might help my relative, plus the parents perhaps, if I were to disclose my own wait for assessment. Maybe my family will reject me and ostracise me, which would not be helpful for my autistic relative and be hurtful for me. Or maybe it will be good for them to have an autistic pal and the parents will change their opinion of autism.

If you are able to share any thoughts on or experiences of talking to loved ones about adult "diagnosis" that would be appreciated.

Parents

  • I was very worried about telling anyone in my family until I had a pretty huge crisis, because they were quite judgemental when an adult relative got his diagnosis. For some reason, my parents preferred to just think he's weird and annoying and they acted like he was being attention seeking when he sought a formal diagnosis.

    I broached the subject via email to my mum, and related it to something she had written to me. I began by showing her the evidence - that I had done the online test and a lot of careful research, and it seemed to fit. Then I explained further evidence: examples of trustworthy adults who had seen something 'off' with me as a kid, to show that it's not just inside my own head. Then I explained why I thought I should go for a diagnosis - I explained that even if I don't visibly need much support, that is partly because I am good at hiding my struggle, and also that I think a diagnosis would give me peace of mind because I would get a definite answer instead of continuing to turn it over and over in my head, and I need a label in order to stop being so harsh on myself. Then I reassured her that I would not start acting like a victim, or ask to be treated as 'special' because I imagined that these were arguments she would make against me getting a diagnosis.

    It worked, because my parents were supportive after that. I think they knew the reasons why I am probably autistic, but they did not understand why I would want to get a diagnosis until I explained it.

Reply

  • I was very worried about telling anyone in my family until I had a pretty huge crisis, because they were quite judgemental when an adult relative got his diagnosis. For some reason, my parents preferred to just think he's weird and annoying and they acted like he was being attention seeking when he sought a formal diagnosis.

    I broached the subject via email to my mum, and related it to something she had written to me. I began by showing her the evidence - that I had done the online test and a lot of careful research, and it seemed to fit. Then I explained further evidence: examples of trustworthy adults who had seen something 'off' with me as a kid, to show that it's not just inside my own head. Then I explained why I thought I should go for a diagnosis - I explained that even if I don't visibly need much support, that is partly because I am good at hiding my struggle, and also that I think a diagnosis would give me peace of mind because I would get a definite answer instead of continuing to turn it over and over in my head, and I need a label in order to stop being so harsh on myself. Then I reassured her that I would not start acting like a victim, or ask to be treated as 'special' because I imagined that these were arguments she would make against me getting a diagnosis.

    It worked, because my parents were supportive after that. I think they knew the reasons why I am probably autistic, but they did not understand why I would want to get a diagnosis until I explained it.

Children
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