Hi, I am undiagnosed and at 68 will probably remain so. I've been having sessions with a wonderful therapist since the middle of last year. But it was only when talking to a friend who has Asperger's that I began to realise that I connected with some of his traits, so I went on line and randomly chose a test, which indicated possible Asperger's. When I hesitantly suggested this to my therapist she immediately agreed that I probably was living with Asperger's. So, I don't know and will never know, but I am working on the hypothesis that I do have Asperger's. Initially I found this to be an enormous relief but this has been tempered by some unexpected and not necessarily helpful reactions from others, so that I have reverted to not talking to people about it apart from my therapist.
My therapist says that it's as though I'm driving a fast sports car when I'm working on my own on a project, speeding along, ignoring other drivers and getting things done while my emotions are safely packed away in the boot, until, that is, something gets in the way, like a wretched meeting with other people to discuss the direction of travel or actually implement the project with Others. Then I can react with horror when nobody sees the flashy car I'm driving - or in other words I don't get any acknowledgement for the work I've done. My emotions break out of the boot and rage and indignation course through me. I lie awake some nights going over and over this problem, wondering whether I am just paranoid or whether people really do have problems acknowledging my efforts. I think the answer is a bit of both. The craving for validation is, I think, entirely separate from any Asperger traits that I might have and goes back to school days when, after failing the 11-plus, I was consigned to a secondary modern school, which had low expectations of its students. I know many people who overcame this but I was more than happy to live down to those expectations at the time (many years later I gained a BA and MA in philosophy with the Open University). So, yes, I am acutely sensitive to what I perceive to be a lack of appreciation. On the other hand, there are many, many times when it does actually happen and I think this may be something to do with my preference for working alone and ignoring others as much as possible. So, I tend to leave it until I can't leave it any longer before I talk to people and I think that can come across as being somewhat arrogant, which is not conducive to sympathetic responses to my work. In difficult situations I also have a tendency to volunteer or speak first for fear that if I don't then I'll end up doing or saying nothing, which may come across as being a bit pushy.
In the past, as my therapist puts it, I would have hurled the sports car into a muddy field or a ditch, got out and run away. This has happened repeatedly throughout my life. I can now hear her, whenever I'm about to do this, saying: "Park the damn car, get out, walk around a bit and get things in perspective." I am also pained when things do not turn out to be perfect, but I am trying, on her advice, to emphasise the courage it takes for me to do stuff, rather than my perfectionism. I am also a fan of Marcus Aurelius, the great 2nd century Roman emperor, general and Stoic philosopher and always carry a somewhat battered copy of The Meditations around with me. And I can hear him saying something like: "If you are pained by an external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgement about it." Fair enough, I suppose, but I guess as a Roman emperor Marcus didn't have any problems with validation!
Having just experienced another ghastly meeting I am not in a ditch; I have parked the car up but the car park is a particularly bleak place - windswept with rain lashing down - I'm blundering aimlessly around it and it's utterly exhausting. I've ground to halt in my work and can't at the moment see any way out. My therapist would say that these feelings will pass and I know they will but while they hold sway they are crippling. Does anyone else have this problem of reaching out?
