Hi guys
I am 52 and have spent my entire life being the odd one out. An awkward loner who has been unable to make normal social connections. Small talk is nearly impossible for me. I frantically search for something to talk about, but I can't even think of anything. I found it easier to avoid people most of the time, rather then face the awkwardness of standing around people silently.
Despite that I managed to get married, hold down jobs and have some wonderful kids. I feel very lucky, so long as I spend most of my time at home with my family.
I always thought I had social phobia and my avoidance strategies helped me survive.
However, I have recently discovered that I really identify with autism. It explains a lot of my struggles during my life:
- uncommon interests that nobody else shared
- difficulty making friends
- feeling like an alien on this planet
- saying things that other people just thought was weird
- being smart and capable with some things and seemingly incompetent with other simple human tasks
- being too "good" with my honesty and behaviour
There does seem to be a bit of a gap with fully identifying though. While my daughter, who is yet undiagnosed but almost certainly autistic, does a lot of obvious stimming, i am not sure if I do.
Lately I have paid more attention to my behaviour and am wondering if I am just really good at masking. I know I have covered up a lot of my behaviour to avoid standing out: such as not talking to avoid saying something unusual, wearing deliberately conservative clothing that blends in but never really matches everyone else anyway, not pursuing interests that I love because others find them childish or strange, etc.
I have noticed that I do the following behaviour that may be stimming, but I'm not sure.
- playing with my rings , sometimes quite frantically - they just suddenly get so annoying and uncomfortable
- wriggling my toes in my boots , again sometimes quite frantically when they feel weird - kind of itchy and uncomfortable, but not itchy. More like too much sensitivity in them.
- constantly wriggling in my chair, when other people seem to be sitting still.
- sudden tics or shudders accompanying a uncomfortable thought or emotion
When I'm alone I notice that I am a lot more active with my behaviour - pacing around and talking to myself, rocking back and forth on my feet, bouncing, quickly shaking my feet or tapping my hands. I don't do this when I am with other people, even my family. However, I am noticing I have started doing it more in front of people, since identifying as neurodivergent.
Do you think these behaviours count as stimming, and could I have been doing this stimming my whole life, unconsciously masking it, and not really have noticed it?
Sorry for the long post. I have so many other things to say, but don't want to be the guy that never shuts up.
Thanks
Dave
