Hello,
I'm new to the community and this is my first post. I don't have many friends on the spectrum that I feel comfortable asking certain questions to. I hope this will be okay.
First I'll add some backstory (you can skip if it's too long, but it might not make a lot of sense if you do):
I'm 25 years old and received a late diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder in December 2020. My diagnosis came after my mental health state from dealing with anxiety caused a total mental breakdown in 2018 and I had started going through autistic shutdown, which made me exhausted, non-verbal (usually I'm verbal) and severely reduced my capacity for executive function on a daily basis. The root cause at the time was my job. It was a combination of an inability to get to the office in a timely manner (mostly for other health reasons like IBS) and the job itself. I was working as a customer service assistant in a call centre for a bank and it wasn't my first job. However, I was getting in trouble for things I didn't fully understand to be an issue such as picking at my fingernails and not looking directly at the person talking in a meeting. If I didn't understand something fully, I would occasionally ask another member of senior staff the same question if the first member of staff was busy, for clarification, but they saw that as me undermining the first member of staff. I was never intentionally rude to anyone, but I got in trouble for the "way" I said things to others. Each of these things was recorded on my personal work file as "unacceptable behaviour" with a threat of facing punitive measures if I didn't implement more "mindfulness" when on the job for the people around me. All of this now makes sense with my autism diagnosis, but, not having a diagnosis at the time and initially not even being aware that I could be on the spectrum made me extremely confused and stressed about work. The fact that I was devastated whenever they pulled me aside, even when they acknowledged that I clearly had no intention of being "rude", did little to change them recording it on my work file and telling me that I would still face punitive measures if I didn't change my behaviour. This lead to repeated crying episodes at work when I was scared of losing my job, a fear of facing the individuals that I had supposedly upset and anxiety when at work in fear of it happening again because I knew I couldn't recognise it. Eventually, after repeated episodes of shutdown, meltdown and severe anxiety from being unable to get to work, I was referred to be tested for ASD with a 2 year waiting list. If the anxiety happened before I'd left the house for work, the ensuing mental shutdown meant I couldn't follow their procedure of having to call in to report absence. Even though I texted and offered to email my TL, or anyone else I could report to, they recorded it as a no-show because I hadn't picked up the phone and called them. I explained this and the waiting list to be tested for ASD to my employer, but they said that they wouldn't be able to make any adjustments for it until I did receive an official diagnosis. So, I resigned after roughly a year and a half of working for them.
I decided that I didn't want to get another regular job in fear that the same things would happen again, so I started buying and selling accessories for a profit that I'd purchased cheaply on sites like eBay and Alibaba. I wasn't able to make enough for a living though and, 8 months later, I decided to get a new job. However, after a month, my IBS was affecting my ability to get to work on time, which lead to anxiety from fear of losing the job and not being able to get to work - which ultimately ensured that I wouldn't be able to go into work because the anxiety lead to being totally overwhelmed and then experiencing autistic shutdown where I wasn't able to talk. Eventually, despite being able to do the work itself to a satisfactory standard, my repeated absences, which became as frequent as a couple of times per week, understandably, caused them to let me go after a month of work in January 2020. I decided again that I didn't want to get another job until I knew I'd be able to get to work easily.
Fast forward to now:
It has been a year and a half since I last worked. I have again tried to work on other projects - such as learning video editing and trying to make some YouTube videos, which got picked up by the company I was making videos about and said that they'd make me an ambassador if I could make more videos and keep up the engagement, which I couldn't because staying consistent in an NT world isn't something I've ever been good at. I know plenty of autistic people have made successful channels and I may return to it, but right now I just don't feel like I have the mental capacity to do so. I also tried looking into app development, programming and making my own app, which is going okay, but it is going to take me a significantly more time to complete something sellable and that's time I don't have right now as I've been falling behind on debts I need to repay. So, a few weeks ago, I concluded that I need to get a new job. Fortunately, the pandemic situation means that work I should be able to get would be remote and the issues I had with getting to the office would be eliminated because I'd be able to work from home. However, as I've been trying to edit my CV, look for jobs and write a cover letter, I've found the idea of getting a new job to be totally anxiety-inducing. The frustration and stress I've felt just from looking at jobs and trying to bring myself to put in an application is driving me crazy. I don't really want to get a new job. I don't want to deal with people that are there to judge my capabilities right now and I'm not convinced I'll be able to sell myself well in an interview as I've had this problem many times in the past. I know that I don't really have a choice though. I just can't seem to get through finishing the CV, cover letter and hitting the "apply" button smoothly. I've been trying to force myself to just get it done for about a week, but the inner concerns and fears I have are repeatedly preventing me from doing so. I'm worried about not being able to clearly show my talents and experiences with words and I'm scared about my intentions being misunderstood again if I do get a job. It's at the point now where I just feel completely burnt out. I have no energy or will to do basic life things like cleaning - despite forcing myself to do so anyway. If someone asks me to do more than one thing at any one time, I find myself to be extremely irritated by it and that's enough for my brain to feel like it's going into stress overdrive and I have to sit down and collect myself before I can even begin trying to accomplish any of the things they've asked of me. I'm very fidgety and keep squeezing my hands open and closed, tapping the sides of my head and feeling incredibly tense, tired and apathetic but why? I also keep crying over the smallest things, but I haven't accomplished anything yet. I'm just trying to complete a few job applications and I'm acting like I'm totally burnt out before even starting a new job. So, it made me wonder if I'm going through burnout just from my own thoughts and fears surrounding the main task at hand? I'm very confused and I'm not sure what to do or how to overcome it. I thought that maybe I should just take some time to do nothing for a week or so, but time is of the essence when it comes to needing to make my debt repayments and I really need to get the ball rolling further than it already is.
Sorry, it's very long and I've probably explained far more than I need to and may have been repetitive. My current state of agitation means I also just can't paragraph and grammar too well right now. Simply: is it possible or have you ever experienced autistic burnout just from your own anxieties? If so, how did you overcome it? It would be helpful if I can find a method that works if such a method exists.
Thanks 