yo,
i suspect i may have autism or Aspergers or something. and so this will probably be a long post to explain why. i decided who better to judge than the autistic community itself? hope you like reading, because i generally write too much.
anyways, i am 31 years old, no friends, no relationships ever, yes virgin and yes it makes me very depressed and feel like a pathetic loser, i still live with my parents, i cannot get a job as they dont interest me, i got interested in martial arts and fitness one time which then made me want fitness based jobs which i then started to apply for, with no luck, my cv is far too dead for any job now. i tried to join the navy but i borked the interview because i decided to go for the open honest tell them everything approach and pretty much sold myself as the worlds greatest loser so they told me to bog off. which in retrospect was probably a good thing, i dont think id have got on there anyway. i have no hope of getting on in life, when my parents die i will likely become homeless, of which i have ofcourse already planned for and brought myself alot of tent and hiking equipment. and now am trying to upgrade my plan to saving money somehow to buy a cheap 3k cost yacht to live in until my funds run out and i starve to death. i plan everything ahead and think everything through, i have thought of all costs to this and even things like how the mast would attract lightning so id be in danger of lightning strikes. anyways so clearly i cannot exist on this world and never felt any hope for myself. i also have very little motivation as i dont really feel theres any reason for me to work if i have no friends or relationship or anything, why go through work that is unpleasant and you dont wanna do all for the sake of yourself when you have nothing but crushing loneliness and a worthless life?
anyways, i never could make friends, i always felt alien. hell i just recently tried a dating site and i had a message and i cant even stomach the thought of actually having to meet the person which makes me back out of it entirely and think im not really suited to any social situation. in school i fluked a friend circle in high school, i dunno how i did it, well i didnt do it really it was all one other person that took me and formed a group with others, but they all eventually left one by one as i attracted too many bullies. i always was a weirdo, i couldnt speak to people and i guess my anxiety made me make silly noises which is degrading and im ashamed of which also attracted bullies more which in turn made it all worse. after leaving school i just remained alone, no friends, no socialization aside from martial arts class but everyone is just acquaintance. i have been alone since leaving school to now at age 31, life not changing at all, still in my parents house, change would feel weird. getting help would feel weird and out of character and uncomfortable. my parents just think im a lazy deadbeat scrounger, but they are old fashioned working class.
i cant answer phones or do voice chat on games, i ignore phone calls. this also makes getting interviews for jobs hard before i even get them. i certainly wont use any help line as it feels weird to talk to anyone. i tried a few times, i got invited out to a club with a dude from martial arts, i realise in noisy social clubs i shake a bit.... of which i realised more recently when my neighbours house was on fire and we had to go outside and it was night and the fire engines lights where blaring and there was noise i think perhaps the flashing lights and commotion probably causes me to involuntarily shake, some other neighbour came over to talk politics which is cool as i like politics, but i felt like a pleb as some muscle in my neck kept twitching causing my head to twitch for some reason. was uncomfortable. ah and in the club some girl came over and tried to talk to me and i think she perhaps immediately realised i was weird or possibly thought i was ignoring her or insulting her or something as her face looked odd and she walked off, dunno why, guess she just thought maybe i was giving her the cold shoulder? anyway i dunno she was probably around my age maybe but i always see everyone as older and maturer than me which i guess makes me feel even less ontop of feeling like a weird alien.
i kinda want friends and want a normal life, i wanna get along. but ofcourse theres other times where im happy to be alone as i realise its too much hard work socialising, but then ofcourse being alone makes me really depressed, and then ofcourse im a dude so never having a sexual partner obviously has a massive frustrating effect. not that id even know if anything works the way it should down there lmao .... overshare much? i tend to do that too.... lotta cringe moments i have despite hardly any socialisation. the cringe forever haunts you.
anyways i could probably bring up alot more stuff but i honestly wrote enough and your eyes might explode, lets be honest no one reads this much, even i see stuff like this and get tired or skip read.
so am i autistic, asperger or just a regular loser?
