Moving from a lifetime of self denial to acceptance - any tips?

I've actually had a moment within the last month. I'm still awaiting assessment, still trying to figure it all out.

When I started at my current job, I had diagnosed depression and anxiety disorder. Now, I also add PTSD resulting from a couple of road accidents, and through the subsequent counselling, I found out I was likely on the spectrum.

With Covid and all the consequences that have affected my work (I've gone from busy reception to eight hours a day staring at the door and hoping for something to do). It's been difficult. I've not had any management support and in fact have had times where they've actually made the situation worse.

I went to a workplace counsellor who gave me some excellent advice and suggestions, he also put me in contact with a company who is now helping me to work out what support I actually need as I really don't know and haven't a clue how to ask for it. I've always done what the rest of my team were doing and until the last few years and the additional stress, I never needed anything different. Things came to a bit of a head a few weeks ago, and I had a meeting with a senior manager because of my 'behaviour'. 

We actually had a chat for a good few hours and are going to have more of a discussion later, but one of the things I had issues with, was how the addition of a new building that we needed to cover was affecting our team.

I was on a bit of a crusade because it seemed to be an issue for everyone. A few weeks ago, I realised, that the reason I was so against it, was not because it affected my team, but because it affected me. The anxiety of additional travel, clock watching and planning just to get to and from, having to keep up with a third building. To me it seemed like these things were a problem for everyone because it never occurred to me, that actually, while my team wasn't happy about it, they could all cope, but I couldn't. It's the first time that I've really had to accept, that I can't do this. Before, if I was at this stage, I would just soldier on and get to the point where I would leave my job and find something simpler. All that's done is get me further from what I want to do. It's only now that I'm beginning to understand that it's not that I can't function, it's just that I can't function the way everyone else does.

I've actually had a moment within the last month. I'm still awaiting assessment, still trying to figure it all out.

When I started at my current job, I had diagnosed depression and anxiety disorder. Now, I also add PTSD resulting from a couple of road accidents, and through the subsequent counselling, I found out I was likely on the spectrum.

With Covid and all the consequences that have affected my work (I've gone from busy reception to eight hours a day staring at the door and hoping for something to do). It's been difficult. I've not had any management support and in fact have had times where they've actually made the situation worse.

I went to a workplace counsellor who gave me some excellent advice and suggestions, he also put me in contact with a company who is now helping me to work out what support I actually need as I really don't know and haven't a clue how to ask for it. I've always done what the rest of my team were doing and until the last few years and the additional stress, I never needed anything different. Things came to a bit of a head a few weeks ago, and I had a meeting with a senior manager because of my 'behaviour'. 

We actually had a chat for a good few hours and are going to have more of a discussion later, but one of the things I had issues with, was how the addition of a new building that we needed to cover was affecting our team.

I was on a bit of a crusade because it seemed to be an issue for everyone. A few weeks ago, I realised, that the reason I was so against it, was not because it affected my team, but because it affected me. The anxiety of additional travel, clock watching and planning just to get to and from, having to keep up with a third building. To me it seemed like these things were a problem for everyone because it never occurred to me, that actually, while my team wasn't happy about it, they could all cope, but I couldn't. It's the first time that I've really had to accept, that I can't do this. Before, if I was at this stage, I would just soldier on and get to the point where I would leave my job and find something simpler. All that's done is get me further from what I want to do. It's only now that I'm beginning to understand that it's not that I can't function, it's just that I can't function the way everyone else does.

Thank you for sharing this story, Loz. it is such a beautiful, honest story of self reflection. I've recently experienced something similar and it wasn't easy.

I saw some problems that were unresolved, and initially, others also did and they complained. I was in a position of responsibility where I could push for change. It would have helped me a lot and I was sure it could still help others. But after a while the others no longer cared about the change and even failed to respond when I eventually asked about it again, quoting their previous complaints. I almost missed that I was the only one on my own crusade. It was hard to admit it and it felt illogical to let problems persist when the solutions were relatively simple. I still don't completely understand why the other stopped caring about this issue.

I can also relate to what you described about soldiering on and/or leaving your job for something similar. I've done both quite a number of times. Yet, one thing I'm glad about is that I'm not in the old work I used to do. It was too people focused, even though I loved the work itself. But the work itself exists in many formats, so I'm hoping to use those skills I loved in a new context soon.

Wishing you all the best with everything you are juggling right now.