Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I'm relatively new to the forum - I appreciate hearing other people's experiences here because it has been helping me overcome something: denial of my challenges.
I've been so deep in denial that I've closed off memories of my past when things were at their worst and I felt beyond my limit. But slowly these memories have started to come back, especially now I'm seeking ways to learn about my own autistic traits (beyond the generic descriptions) and find ways to support myself now and in the future.
I have been denying my struggles on the inside: the pain, the stress, the health issues (most likely linked with huge levels of stress over years). I've been masking for myself (not just others).
The problem today is that I'm doing WELL! (Ha, I know, that doesn't sound like a problem). But when I'm relaxed, doing well, reasonably healthy and so on... I can pass as non-autistic and fool myself. I forget my sensory sensitivities and my limited capacity to process things, for example, yet I think I try to forget these on purpose (on a sub conscious level).
Have any of you been through this process of recognising and accepting your challenges after so long of denying them to yourself?
I welcome any thoughts or experiences if you're comfortable sharing them.
[Post edited 02/06/21 to simplify it and make it clearer what I'm asking about.]
Hiya
It's relatively common to keep trying new ways to fit in - constant chameleon mode - constantly re-branding yourself and trying again. It often caused by self-denial and so never understanding where your natural colour scheme fits.
So many people with autism just follow the wrong path- always trying, always banging your head against the all.
Where do you fit? What is your niche?
I spotted the odd + quiet = target but odd + extrovert = interesting and mysterious so I deliberately created a huge extrovert personality that got me from young teenager to my 40s before it all blew up. It got me good jobs, family - I appeared successful but at great cost.
Thanks, Plastic. That certainly resonates - all the searching for where to fit in.
Do you feel you have always been aware of your autistic challenges? Or do you feel, like I mentioned above, that you have tried to deny them at first?
I wish I had learned to recognise and accept mine sooner. I still have so much I think I'm denying to myself, and this is not helping me.
I grew up in the late 60s - there was no such thing as autism then - just the remedial class of assorted 'slow' kids. I was one of those super-bright kids but I didn't know just how different I was from all the other kids. I became very independent - there was nothing I could get from anyone that I couldn't get for myself faster - I ;loved the library - so many colourful books - and it was the space age - I remember being glued to the tv for the moon landings.
When I went to work, I thought everyone was doing the same as me - working for the common good and that hard work would be recognised. I was very successful.
It was only after my diagnosis in my early 40s did I realise the truth and reality.
That took a lot of re-evaluation my whole life. I had been a fool.
Thank you, Plastic. I can relate to that - thinking others also have a pure work ethic and were the same as me. I wouldn't say you had been a 'fool' though, yet I understand why you might feel that way. I've felt similar when realising these things about myself. We were definitely doing our best at the time, acting on the knowledge we had back then. Very glad to discover these differences now. I refuse to repeat my patterns of the past that led to self sacrifice and burn out.