Hello!
Since I knew this would be a longer one, I made this a separate post from my first one. It's going to be hard for me to make this really comprehensive. I know this may turn into a vent, I hope that's not too bad since I do feel as if I need to get this all out of my system. At the end of this post I'll add more straight-up questions and I'll mark some other smaller questions in the text with green, just so it'd be easier for people to find and maybe answer them.
To start off, I'm 18, female. So yes, I am young and still have so much time, I have to be patient, I know. But I'll honestly say this right off the bat, that has really never... Really comforted me. (Also I hope 18 is old enough to be posting on these forums? It probably is, I simply have a hard time realizing "hey, I'm an adult!")
VENT START!
I have also been in an online relationship once before, which I mentioned in my first post, but I have never been able to take online relationships as seriously since they feel a bit too... Hard to maintain? Basically, the boy I was together with was extremely sweet, ran a mental wellbeing discord server, that's where I met him, we got along right off the bat, we helped each other so much, we're still quite close friends, but I simply wasn't attracted to him and he just drained my energy like crazy. He wanted to call all the time (which is one of my biggest fears, especially if I have to speak in English, not my native language, which makes me so self-conscious!) and just simply wanted to do many things I wasn't all too comfortable with, but he never forced anything onto me, we simply didn't click. So I know people do find me enjoyable, I know not all hope is lost.
I have also tried online dating in general for yeaaaars now, but whooo boy the people I ran into most of the time on like (teen) dating websites, just ew. I did get a few pretty cool online friends I still talk to from time to time. But 99% of the conversations were just guys trying to get nudes out of me (Why? Doesn't porn exist for this reason?) and then the rest of the time was usually very unpleasant conversations, some of which even lead me to develop new fears or things to be self-conscious about. One guy literally told me that I'm a problem and that there's no shock in the fact that I'm single and had never dated anyone. I was also told that the look in my eyes makes me always look like I want to eat/kill someone and my eyes were one of the last things I liked about my face, so sigh, although I still do like my eyes, it simply did make me more aware of how I look at others, I try my best to soften my look.
But yeah. Now here comes the thing, I have a feeling that... My... Crippling low self-consciousness is the problem, is that possible..? And my habit of being way too straightforward about my issues... I also hate trying to find positive qualities about myself, makes me feel narcissistic or something, but for the sake of this post and also as a way to try and train my positive self-talk, I'll try to bring up some things that I think are amazing about me, since I feel like otherwise, this post will be way too hurtful towards myself.
For the longest of time I hated my thighs with all my heart, they're so big, all the fat I do get goes there. But it's not as if I'm fat or anything, y'know, just the brain likes messing around and making you believe silly things. But ever since people have been talking about "thicc" girls and how they're attractive on the internet, it's made me feel so much better. Now instead of feeling like I have fat thighs, I simply see myself as being curvy! I have a really nice-looking feminine figure!
Another thing that I was afraid of for years was looking feminine. It was so ingrained in my mind that "only boys like video games" that I wore clothes that just.... Were comfortable... Thanks to that I was mistaken for a boy and every time that happened it just slashed my heart in half, it felt terrible. Plus having my parents say I looked ugly in my clothes made me finally wake up and realize "hey, being a so-called girly girl and a gamer at the same time is completely possible and valid!". And I am so happy I finally embraced that femininity. (Of course, I don't feel like labels are necessary really, but still, having things that make you happy, even if they are kinda like labels, is fine. That's why I like to call myself a "girly gamer", it makes me happy, even if it sometimes is seen as a way to call yourself a "fake gamer")
I feel as if I do truly love myself to some extent, very deep down, but there are just those few things I need to fix or somehow start accepting to finally reach my self-acceptance. Finding out I'm autistic has made it harder, just in the way of "how will I tell others? What will they think?". But I also can't stand my pimples and eye bags which I do try to work hard on, having a skincare routine, chaining pillowcases often, drinking lots of water, etc.
But I still feel like what I am is not enough. Maybe this is now the "society is so cruel, stupid standards!" part, this is something I simply have to accept. But yeah the amount of time I put into shaving, skincare, makeup, outfits, everything to make the outside of me look beautiful and appealing, is insane and I'm really tired of it. I am tired of having to put hours upon hours of work to look "beautiful", to finally feel like I deserve love and the worst thing is, I don't think I'm doing it for "the others" (who knows who I was even trying to appeal to in the first place) anymore, I'm doing this because I can't even look at myself properly without doing all of that. And that's quite unhealthy, right..?
VENT OVER!
It just feels so difficult to find a serious relationship, to learn anything about dating, if no one shows genuine interest in you. Even at the school ball, at the end of 9th grade, I was the only girl who wasn't asked to go to the dance. I feel as if I'm so undesirable as a romantic partner, but people still love talking with me and being friends, I really can't put into words how much I love my friends and how much they mean to me, so I can't say I'm lonely. I merely just really want some affection and companionship, if that makes sense..?
So basically I feel like I have just a few more specific questions.
1. How did you come to accept yourself, for the way that you are?
2. How do you know you're ready for a relationship?
3. How do I make myself more approachable?
4. What are some appropriate places to find new people?
5. How do you even seek a relationship? Should you be honest about attraction or try to befriend people first?
6. Should I be honest about having Aspergers right away when I meet people or should I hide it so I wouldn't chase people off?
7. Dating apps and sites, are they a good idea or no?
8. Should I maybe even try my luck here, do more of a proper introduction, show who I am and what I love, instead of piling all my questions and problems?
I would love to hear some advice or stories from others, especially older and wiser folk! But all answers, questions, vents, and anything in between are also welcome!
Have a great day, y'all~! <3