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55 YO Spouse

NAS73148

Hello - this is my first post. 

my partner identifies as autistic, and having read a lot about it I can certainly see it too. He’s not had any support whatsoever 
- his Mum just says he’s always been “moody”. 

It’s me doing all the research and he doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t want to read, listen, hear - he just wants to carry on as e does and I’m expected to ignore it. 

He is prone to a meltdown occasionally and the last one ultimately left me very distressed indeed.

Likewise, he will withdraw for a day afterwards - refusing to properly engage - which is sort on unkind on me as currently we’re overseas and I literally don’t have one friend here to turn to. 

I love this man very much and we have some wonderful times together, and share a lot of common ground - but frankly I don’t know how much more of this I can endure without having mental health issues. 

It breaks my heart to think about us ending our relationship, but it terrifies me to think that this might be it and actually get worse for the rest of my life too. 

Please, is there any advice out there for partners? Although I’m convinced he is on the spectrum, how much am I expected to suck up that might be detrimental to my own health? 


My needs are never listened to. I have to have it together all the time as the slightest sign of stress from me leads to anxiety in him and potentially a meltdown. It’s incredibly lonely. 

I need help and he needs help, but how on Earth do I teach him? 

thsnk you. 

Parents

  • Tony Attwood offers some advice for partners.  He acknowledges it can be a lonely experience for them but suggests ways in which problems can be overcome.  He might be worth a read.

    That said, the solutions invariably involve the autistic person acknowledging that there IS a difference and engaging as you both learn alternative ways to deal with it.  Sadly, there's not much you can do if he doesn't want to consider his autism.

    Whether you stay, recognising what the impact on your mental health will be, or leave because of it, please bare in mind that nothing he is doing is with any intention to be unkind to you.  If he experiences melt down/shut down he can't stop it, and has to go through it.  He could learn to avoid the triggers for them, but again to do that he'd have to be aware and engaging with his difference.  He may not even be aware of the impacts they have on you or know what to do about them if he does.  

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  • Tony Attwood offers some advice for partners.  He acknowledges it can be a lonely experience for them but suggests ways in which problems can be overcome.  He might be worth a read.

    That said, the solutions invariably involve the autistic person acknowledging that there IS a difference and engaging as you both learn alternative ways to deal with it.  Sadly, there's not much you can do if he doesn't want to consider his autism.

    Whether you stay, recognising what the impact on your mental health will be, or leave because of it, please bare in mind that nothing he is doing is with any intention to be unkind to you.  If he experiences melt down/shut down he can't stop it, and has to go through it.  He could learn to avoid the triggers for them, but again to do that he'd have to be aware and engaging with his difference.  He may not even be aware of the impacts they have on you or know what to do about them if he does.  

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