Its something that has always been with me since I was little, accepting help I could never do.
The only person I let help me was my twin.
School was a struggle as I failed to ask for help from the teacher and my sister did not always want to help me understand the task asked of me.
I could never raise my hand to ask the teacher to go to the bathroom as I new I would have to go alone, I ended up peeing myself in class.
As an adult using public toilets I can't go alone.
As a kid I would tap my sister on the shoulder, if I was spoken too she would answer for me as I could not look them in the eye or respond verbally.
Its a scary world and being an adult some of these feelings still remain.
At 19 year old a psychologist assessed me over a year it still upsets me to this day.
She would ask why are you here, I do not know why but I found this very upsetting maybe because I was unable to answer and I was upset at myself, confused by the question also.
I told her I had trouble communicating , she responded, but you have a voice you can use it. once again her answer upset me confused me.
I failed to explain how it was for me when I was little, how my sis was my voice my communicator.
I wanted her to understand but I couldn't
She would not allow me to answer on paper, as i had a voice and I had to use it.
I still wish to this day if only my sister had been there she would have gotten the right picture of how it was.
I just made her angry she would often storm off and left me to find my own way out of the building.
I never left there feeling good i often felt worse by it all.
As for accepting help I let people in my life so far and then I push them away, I'm scared of people yet im lonely.
At my last appointment she failed to appear because she had given me the wrong date.
She was mad at me because i never showed anger or upset towards her, why couldnt she understand this is how I am.
