• Replies 3 replies
  • Subscribers 81 subscribers
  • Views 1611 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

At a loss

Alan

I'm 48 years old and have struggled with relationships my entire life. I'm married I've had a successful career in retail which taught me how to converse with others. But which ended in a mental breakdown in 2014.  

I have no real friends, that i feel I can openly talk to, I suffer with pathological demand avoidance, I struggle with reading other people's emotions and aren't even sure if my wife loves me. 

I didn't speak until I was 3 or 4 years old. Used to hate the feeling of sand at the beach on my hands, can lose myself in one thing for hours. Frequently miss things other people say and rarely have conversations I feel are meaningful. Life seems pointless, I often think about why we're even alive. 

I have my own business, teaching kids tech and working with computers, mainly admin and maintenance, but the demand avoidance is causing it to suffer, there are a number of ways I could develop it, but I feel like I'm holding myself back because of the fear of rejection and just the way my mind works. 

Two years ago, both my mother and myself had the realisation that I might be Asperger's. She asked me and I told her I'd already taken online tests where I scored very high on the likelihood. I didn't do anything about it for a few months, then I decided I would speak with my new doctor. 

This I did and he made me write an essay on how it affected me daily. I completed this and returned it to him, but I have no idea what, if anything, he did with it. 

Since then the uncertainty has been killing me, I don't know what to do, but I've lost a number of business clients and feel like I need a diagnosis now more than ever. I'm at my wit's end and don't know what to do. My kids who are my best friends are due to go to university soon and I'm dreading it, but determined they won't know my struggles. 

  • Thank you for the replies. I'd assumed I'd get email notifications. Alas not. 

  • in reply to Daniel

    Thank you for replying. I will contact my doctor again. I have had CBT in the past and I don't beat myself up too much about the small stuff (although I do dwell on things that don't go the way they should) but I just get an overwhelming feeling of dread and hurt. 

    Fear of the future is a big one, fear I'm going to lose what I've got by upsetting people who have supported me. This week is a bad one as I know work has gone to another person, work I used to do, and I've contacted the client to let them know. I'll let you imagine how that went. That's what's ruined this weekend. 

  • So much of what you've written does sound like how my Autism affects me.

    Can you try and not be so hard on yourself?  

    I would contact the doctor and ask what's happened to the essay you wrote, please don't leave yourself in this uncertainty. You could reach out to others like your mother for help and comfort, your children may be able to uplift you.

    You can gather your children and tell them your struggles yourself and tell them it's possibly because of Asperger's and that you're waiting for a diagnosis, you don't need to be diagnosed first, I believe your children will understand. 

    Try not to give in to fear, if you've been rejected in the past remember that you've changed since then, so it doesn't mean you'll always face rejection.

    I find it wise of you to share your needs with us and not keep it all to yourself, you have my support and I'm sure others here will support you as well. Each time you feel something building up in you you can just share it with us, please don't keep all your pain to yourself.