Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there!
I’ve been dating my partner for five months now, and very early on in our relationship she let me know that she was autistic.
It’s been one hell of a learning curve. I’m sorry to say that I never considered dating an autistic person before, but she’s really opened my eyes and taught me about all the different and amazing aspects of the autism community.
It’s been the biggest exercise in communication I’ve ever done. Sometimes she’ll get hyper focused, and not do small social niceties like saying hi or asking how I am because she’s so in the zone, and she often doesn’t know how she feels if I ask her outright. Noise and light can really set her off, and so things in the past which were unquestioned parts of my life like busy street festivals or playing really loud music in my car have now totally changed when we’re together. Sometimes she can’t be touched, and when we’re home together she stims all the time (super adorable, not a complaint.) also wow, who knew there were so many different textured carpets in the world?
we currently live together, and usually it’s a very “normal” relationship- even when something is over stimulating or bothering her we’re pretty good at working through it, and I’m getting better and better at packing things like earplugs or headphones for outings and staying attuned to her in case she’s getting overwhelmed.
what’s frustrating me at the moment is that she’s not managing her anxiety at all right now and is getting super stressed out and I’m struggling to support her. She’s getting super negative and pessimistic because she’s halfway through a masters in education, and I don’t think I’m enough to help her through. If she had a counselor or someone who she talked openly to that would be great, but I’m really struggling to get her to both be accountable for things she can control, and also compassionate to the fact that she’s not neurotypical and needs to do a lot of things a different way.
she’s not listening to me and is just getting more and more stressed, and has had two minor breakdowns/tantrums. I am trying so hard to be patient and reassuring, but it’s hard when she’s just really negative about herself all the time and keeps winding herself up about things that I as a neurotypical think are actually really manageable.
usually I’m awesome at just being supportive and calming and helping her through, but what started as a few rough days has turned into a few rough weeks and I don’t know where to turn. Today I was driving and didn’t see another car at a roundabout which really scared her, and her super loud, dramatic reaction really freaked me out on top of how she’s been presenting this week. She asked how I was doing, and when I told her I was mad she cried on me, and I know that it’s not her fault she gets so freaked out, but I’ve been the calm one for so long and feel frustrated.
any advice on help I can seek for her, or things I can do better, or ways I can delegate across her support circle would be great. I wish she was in the space to go to some kind of anxiety counseling because its really controlling her life right now, but she doesn’t see it as a priority and I feel really worn down from constantly supporting her in a time of crisis, but also not getting any of my needs met. Thank you!
Hiya
From what you're saying, you are doing an absolutely amazing job of supporting her! Well done!
It sounds like she's reached her limit of being able to cope - there's not a lot you can really do because her stress is really from her self-imposed deadlines and commitments. There's two real outcomes - she either struggles through and gets to the end or she'll burn out and give up - and that will be hard to deal with - her regrets for time and money wasted etc.
Is she doing it on-line or are there people there who can help her manage the process and deadlines into something she can cope with?