Coping mechanisms?

What coping mechanisms are there for autistic adults? Or, what mechanisms are there for handling them when they get angry because right now attempting to reason and then leaving the vicinity is only going so far.

My husband who we think is on the spectrum has issues where the answer seems to be, blame it on me, my faults, my habits, my existence and get them changed albeit with a firm dose of management speak like he "wants me to acknowledge" my problem which isn't what he actually wants, he wants me to stop whatever it is to make him happy - which is somewhat difficult when it's something like the loudness of my sneezes. 

We tried relationship therapy a couple of times, he lost interest when the therapist said he wouldn't say who was "right or wrong" and it was clear he was going in a direction of testing him on things that made him uncomfortable like leaving things on the edges of tables.

He doesn't "get" meditation or hang around long enough to give it a try.

There's a line of whether I'm just married to an obnoxious human and what is being expressed is the product of being an only child that was told he was a prodigy, or whether he has autism. He certainly has traits, obsessions with "hobbies", sensitivity to light and loud noises, lack of interest in his own hygiene, lack of interest in my emotions, successful career in data...we're on course to having a child so leaving right now isn't viable, and at the same time, subjecting a child to him in his current state isn't desirable either as we're faced with the idea that a child may learn his habits where openly being rude to supermarket staff for being slow is okay, or being told every part of their existence is "wrong".

  • Well you know how he's like, so do you think it's a good idea to bring an innocent child into it? As precious as children are, they can be really loud, they need emotional attention and support, and they need security and safety in their home, and do you think that with his current behaviors, do you think he can be a good parent? Can he put anyone else as a priority in his life, or is it always about himself? 

    You've gone to couple therapy, he's had the option of medications, but he does not want those things, because he likely does not see a problem with himself (everybody else is the problem in his eyes), and he likely will not change. 

    His behavior reminds me of npd (narcissistic personality disorder), but I'm not going to diagnose him or anything like that. It's just that if you stay with him, you know how his behavior is like, and how it will be for years to come. It's up to you to decide what would be best for you and your child. 


  • There's a line of whether I'm just married to an obnoxious human and what is being expressed is the product of being an only child that was told he was a prodigy, or whether he has autism.

    Reserving the right or is it left to at least be wrong:

    The obnoxious human and also being autistic may be more of a likelihood, in that from what you describe it seems that he has not matured past the narcissistic stage of self development yet, and the inferiority of his wounded child ego states have become driven by the superiority of his critical parent ego states (mimicked from parents, teachers and peers etcetera) that are obstructing his Adult state of mind, as would normally provide a mediation between the child and parent ego states by way of a realistic assessment of what is going at the presenting moment.

    Criticising others for being as they are may be how he was treated (or mistreated) as an autistic child on account of not being like the majority of other children, with the superiority complex being so far the only way he has found to compensate for his childhood inferiority complex, perhaps.

    Possibly suggest to him that with one person being right it does not automatically equate in all situations that another person is wrong ~ such as for instance if two people see only one side of a cuboid, one seeing a square and another seeing a rectangle does not involve either being wrong about the shape of the object.

    In terms though of coping mechanisms and how to understand and better navigate autistic behaviourisms ~ try maybe reading 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome' by Tony Attwood.


  • Hi FlyingMonkey

    I learned from an early age that part of being in a relationship is building in sufficient  "slop" to allow variation in my expectations versus the reality of people's free-will actions.           I may always be right - in my mind - but it's just my opinion - other people have valid opinions too.        (even if they are wrong) Smiley

    It sounds like he's missing this little bit of data from his programme.

    If he's still doing this when in a long term relationship, then I'm guessing that he'll never change. 

    You might need to do some hard thinking.