Change and movement terrifies me, growing up..., my environment changed all the time without notice or even concern for me, a new evil step-father at the age of 4, pushed into school at 4 and a half, moved school to a new secondary school when 14,, my mother was a selfish cow, saying "don't be silly, you'll will be fine", whilst I am stressing out and shiting my pants.
I was brought up to be concerned about my mother without her being concerned about me, she was a controlling cow, my step-father was just a do what she says or else, bring in consequences for every smallest thing in my life. I was dragged up..... but as my mother puts it "you had a wonderful childhood". If there was ever a case for a child getting Autism due to misparenting, they would be it. Now both alcoholics they bicker at each other, unhappy in misery and they are welcome too it.
Anyway the reason, I write this, is because due to my upbringing,, I am concerned about the smallest thing and the consequences of that thing. So ANY CHANGE, movement by another person,, scares the *** out of me...
I have been taught change is something, I don't have control off, especially involving other people, because I did not have any choice in the changes in my life growing up, just thrown in the deep end and told to get on with it OR ELSE.
I am angry about this, because NO CONSIDERATION was given to me as a child, to my pain, my expressions, my emotions. I know what it is like to have lived with parents who one pretends she is caring(mother) and a step-father who is verbal abuser, both getting a sense of control in there lifes by having the over control of there children.
Little changes in life are blown out of portion due to consequence thoughts and concern about others. It has got to the stage were people total freak me out because they are always fighting for control of change(selfish need). I JUST WISH TO STAY AWAY FROM THEM, PEOPLE ARE SCUM, MY PARENTS ARE SCUM. WHERE THERE IS PEOPLE THERE IS TROUBLE, PERIOD !
So, when I GO somewhere, I am looking out for people physical movements, concerned about people.., there behaviours towards me. The socialpsychopaths, these include policemen, neds, groups of people, shoppers, people in suits, anyone,, as everyone to me is a threat,, they wear there lifes in there eyes,, and it is so scary I CAN NOT LOOK AT THEM..., they are just false pretenders, smiling crows.
What I am asking how can you sail in this ocean of dross, were there movement and changes freak you out ?
This is going to sound extreme, but I wished I lived in America,, as I would feel safer because I would carry a load gun about with me,, trust me... my finger would be on trigger as I speak, because I have never been able due to my trauma childhood autism upbringing to say to someone in my face "*** off arsehole", then I shoot first in the knee cap, if they do not move away from me. Pleasant thoughts.., I KNOW ! but how else can you communicate with poison animals in a world full of dross and scum without any awareness. That is why the elite have an army to protect themselves not the country.
