Published on 12, July, 2020
When I first joined the forum I felt like I'd finally found people who understand me and my life experience, but this past week or so I've been worrying more about the possibility that I am NOT autistic and what that will actually mean for me moving forward.
My friend's son was assessed recently and she messaged me yesterday to say the outcome was that he isnt autistic but has traits. I'm struggling to imagine how I would feel/cope with a similar outcome. I already feel like I struggle to function in groups but to find a group that I now feel fits with me and have that pulled away again (potentially) is quite scary.
I'm conscious of the fact that I'm about to make a career change and that might be contributing to my insecurity. I'm hopefully being assessed soon (the autism team told me April or May hopefully) so I shouldn't have too much longer to wait. I'm just also conscious that some people have reacted in the "you don't look/seem autistic" way and despite me knowing that this is often a misconception others have about what autism looks like, I also can't help but wonder whether I'm WANTING to be autistic and therefore have an understanding of my way of thinking. I've lived a long time trying to explain "my anxiety" and feeling stupid for it, but autism makes it seem less stupid to me. Maybe because to me it makes sense? I know autism still has as much if not even more stigma than anxiety disorder.
Thoughts appreciated. As you can see my account is back online too
I was never myself for a long time. I tried to be NT or just not me. I've been different all my life, but as others have mentioned being different isnt always good. School wasnt fun (not that it ever is). I went through my twenties bouncing in and out of the court system and even now I couldnt tell you why I did half the things I did. I read a year or so back that people with ASD have a much higher chance of spending time in prison. I never made it that far, but I did push it to the brink a couple of times. So until maybe 2 years back I acted like someone else. i basically wrote a complex back story for a person that didnt exist and assumed that identity for the best part of 20 years. Then I went to my doctor and asked for a referral and went through the process.
I still havent fully broken out of the fantasy identity, mainly because I lived it for so long. But I now maybe 80-90% accept that I am an aspie and that I can be myself and people arent going to go out of there way anymore to attack me for who i am. Well not anymore. In school and through to my early forties it was different.
You know you. If you think you have ASD, you probably do. If you take the online 40 question ASD test and the results say you more than likely have ASD, then that is a good indicator of things. I took that test maybe 4 or 5 times over 10 years and constantly got a high score.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for.