Had my assessment a few months ago which i put my self forward for...I've been dealing with it quite well so far. Lockdown has taken the pressure off with people interaction both in work and social lives. Now it is lifting and I was back in my job till we broke up for Easter hols. Yesterday my partner and I met with two friends following the relaxed rules and restrictions. It's hitting me a bit now...yesterday was obvious very much to myself, just how hard my brain has to work to keep up with things even when there are only a few more people and I know them well. Comments have stuck in my mind that the assessor made in feedback that I see the world differently to most people. That was clear to me also yesterday. Im more comfortable talking about deep things but it was apparent to me, most people just skim over the surface of stuff.
My brain never switches off. My report said I can get stuck on things and those around me can help by giving me a signal when this happens. This is OK if I'm going round and round verbally, but how do I deal with it when it's stuck in my head?
I was back in work and nothing has changed, I'm still exhausted after working what is effectively 6 hours a day, 4 days a week. I'm still struggling to change between tasks when people demand my attention. I think I need to change my environment.
I have a problem that my mind gets so bogged down it becomes difficult to see clearly and make a decision. Then again, I can't switch off. I feel like I need to make fundamental changes in my life. After diagnosis I've heard people say they have masked for so long they don't know who they really are. I could never understand this but I do how. Totally. It's not about the "superficial" getting through a social interaction and mimicking or mirroring others. It's about masking with your actual life choices to try and fit in with a life which isn't geared towards an autistic brain.
When I got diagnosed I thought I coukd carry on with life as usual but just be more mindful of how it affects me. Now I don't know if I can. I've got all this new information about myself but I don't know what to do with it.
I can't believe I had doubts I could be on the spectrum. It's as clear as day to me now. My partner is understanding of how it affects me and is really trying. I can see this every day. I just feel a bit alone because those close to me actually will never be able to understand what it's like day in day out in my head. I've decided to tell people but in actual fact it's not going to make any difference because everyone else just carries on like normal, and it's me who will still have to adjust.
