22 weeks pregnant and autistic husband has left me

I'm writing this as I am desperate for some insight and answers, although I know some of my questions are not able to be fully answered.

If possible, I would like opinions on if this is autistic behaviour, and if so, if there is likely to be any chance of saving our marriage.

I have been with my husband (32) for 4 years. In the beginning he was very eager to move in together, but seemed to struggle once we did. He used to insist on doing the cooking in the beginning, then as time went on he refused to cook at all and would even avoid eating anything but bread. He also stopped helping with any housework and also became very quiet in the mornings, often responding with "uh huh" to any attempt at conversation I made and becoming irritable whenever I pushed for anything more. He would make me a cup of tea every morning, kiss me on the forehead and leave for work an hour early so be could sit in the car and play on his phone for an hour before going in to work.

He has always made it very clear he has wanted children. We married a year and a half ago, only had 6 months where we were able to go out before the first lockdown hit, my husband was furloughed from his job and really seemed to struggle with this. At this point we were unaware of any links with autism.

He filled his days playing on computer games, some days only saying as much as "hi" to me in the morning, before spending a full day gaming and then going to bed, sometimes without saying goodnight. On other days he was determined to start our family and I fell pregnant in June but I was not met with the excitement from my husband that I expected which left me feeling confused. I then miscarried in late August. And my husbands reaction again was very limited, no emotion at all. When I questioned this I was met with rage, an issue that has always raised its head from time to time, although over time he has tried to control himself when this happend and I was hopeful that eventually the rage outbursts would stop altogether. He left after this and went to his parents, leaving me feeling broken. Eventually he came back and agreed to go to counselling for issues we believed to be linked to trauma in his early 20s.

The rage improved for a while and the gaming, he assured me was only because of lockdown because we were not able to go anywhere on a weekend. He did used to like going to the coast and doing things on a weekend before the lockdown.

I then got pregnant again in December and the third lockdown began in January. By this point my husband was playing on games on his phone constantly, he old sit in the room with me but would constantly have his phone in his hands making adjustments to a strategy game he played with the people from work through the week and on a weekend would be on the came console all day both days. Again I was left feeling very lonely.

By late January he had quit his counselling and the rage outbursts had started again, at this point what I was willing to put up with for me, I was no longer prepared to put up with for baby. I left the family home. He begged me not to leave him and promised to get help. Eventually I returned home and he was trying to not go on the games for my sake but I could see he was behaving like an addict and he told me himself that he didn't even want to be on the game fur had a very dtrong urge to be regardless. I asked him to ask for help with he gaming and he refused to accept it was an addiction, the rage started again and I left again.

He talked me in to coming home days later, he slept with me and then, straight away, began behaving very childlike telling me that he didn't see a future but that he loved me and didn't want to hurt me. He left with his father who believed that he really was not well and reassurred me that he didn't think it was over for us but that my husband just needed help.

It was during this time of separation that I started researching his behaviours, desperate for an answer. I came across a list of autism symptoms and sent them to my husband asking if he could relate. He jumped on it straight away and both him and his parents strongly believe that he is autistic.

We tried rekindling our relationship through him visiting me at home, and I could see he was making the effort to leave the phone in another room and the conversations were so much better. Unfortunately there have been a number of arguments, in recent weeks where he has labelled me controlling as I have asked him to cut down on the gaming for the sake of our family. He has stopped answering my texts and has been to the family home and taken all his things. His father has told me that my husband doesn't feel able to make a decision of whether he wants to be with me or not, but that I should move on and that maybe when baby is born we will be able to start rebuilding things then.

I'm finding moving very difficult having not been given any closure from my husband himself, I want to be with him, he does have his faults but I feel that as he is due to be assessed the same month I am due to give birth, the help could come too late. Please help me with any opinions or advice, I love this man and want to learn to work with him and his autism if that is what it is. Is there any chance he will come back to me and our family? Or should I just let go of all hope.

Parents

Plastic over 4 years ago

It sounds like multiple problems.

We're programmed from an early age that we grow up, we get married, have kids etc. but for some of us, we can't handle the stress and chaos of the whole thing - but because it's normal - and we try so hard to be normal, we end up getting into things that take too much from us.

Stress - he's clearly suffering from extreme stress - and we don't usually have a normal mechanism to deal with it - we need time to defrag and reboot our brain computer - that's normally when we get home from work and need to sit quietly for a little while to switch into 'home mode'.    He seems to use the phone as his stimming / relaxing tool.

Emotional disconnection - he seems to be taking it all as very logical and it likely that he's doing his best at mimicking the emotional support he thinks you need - but for whatever reason, he's let it slide - that may because of overwhelming stress taking up all his brain time so the details and small stuff get missed.    If the stress is really bad, he'll retreat into his stim/relaxation tool (the phone) and essentially switch off from the outside world.

You are likely to not understand what going on in his head so you are getting frustrated - shouting, crying- throwing all sorts of random emotions at him - it overloads and confuses him - it's all 'feelings' with no logic - he can't process that.

The baby - seemed like a good idea at the time but now the reality is overloading him - his mask allows him to juggle only so many balls - and a few more have been thrown at him he's losing the ability to perform.

This is an uncomfortable one - pros and cons are like a see-saw.    Is he starting to see you and whatever emotions you throw at him as too many cons and if you outweigh the pros, he'll cut off.    This is purely logic based.

He wil have kept a laundry list of your faults - if everything is going well, they are put away in his brain - when things go wrong between you, the list comes out and you get scored.    You have bonus points on your side because his parents are together - that mean 'pairing' is programmed as correct and normal - he'll want to maintain a relationship.

What do his parents say?     In a way, you need to 'reset' his stress and be able to speak to him in a very calm and logical way and get to the bottom of his stress (he may be in a totally hidden panic about providing for you and panicking about his own abilities to earn money.    How financially stable are you?    If things were bad, do you have a house to sell to move in with his parents temporarily?

You need to get to the bottom of all his stress - and try to get across to him that you're there for him too - he's not on his own - and work through a ton of possibilities with him to try to find something workable - a plan where he can cope with the stress.

It's a lot of work for you to do this all without emotion - treat it like a plan for buying carpet - zero emotion - or he'll get confused because he'll feel as though he's not reading the situation properly - more stress.

Good luck with him.    If you can get him sorted out and his brain back in the game, he'll be fine - it's just we absolutely cannot deal with uncertainty - and today's world is 100% uncertainty so he'll need help to make sense of his situation.

Reply

Plastic over 4 years ago

It sounds like multiple problems.

We're programmed from an early age that we grow up, we get married, have kids etc. but for some of us, we can't handle the stress and chaos of the whole thing - but because it's normal - and we try so hard to be normal, we end up getting into things that take too much from us.

Stress - he's clearly suffering from extreme stress - and we don't usually have a normal mechanism to deal with it - we need time to defrag and reboot our brain computer - that's normally when we get home from work and need to sit quietly for a little while to switch into 'home mode'.    He seems to use the phone as his stimming / relaxing tool.

Emotional disconnection - he seems to be taking it all as very logical and it likely that he's doing his best at mimicking the emotional support he thinks you need - but for whatever reason, he's let it slide - that may because of overwhelming stress taking up all his brain time so the details and small stuff get missed.    If the stress is really bad, he'll retreat into his stim/relaxation tool (the phone) and essentially switch off from the outside world.

You are likely to not understand what going on in his head so you are getting frustrated - shouting, crying- throwing all sorts of random emotions at him - it overloads and confuses him - it's all 'feelings' with no logic - he can't process that.

The baby - seemed like a good idea at the time but now the reality is overloading him - his mask allows him to juggle only so many balls - and a few more have been thrown at him he's losing the ability to perform.

This is an uncomfortable one - pros and cons are like a see-saw.    Is he starting to see you and whatever emotions you throw at him as too many cons and if you outweigh the pros, he'll cut off.    This is purely logic based.

He wil have kept a laundry list of your faults - if everything is going well, they are put away in his brain - when things go wrong between you, the list comes out and you get scored.    You have bonus points on your side because his parents are together - that mean 'pairing' is programmed as correct and normal - he'll want to maintain a relationship.

What do his parents say?     In a way, you need to 'reset' his stress and be able to speak to him in a very calm and logical way and get to the bottom of his stress (he may be in a totally hidden panic about providing for you and panicking about his own abilities to earn money.    How financially stable are you?    If things were bad, do you have a house to sell to move in with his parents temporarily?

You need to get to the bottom of all his stress - and try to get across to him that you're there for him too - he's not on his own - and work through a ton of possibilities with him to try to find something workable - a plan where he can cope with the stress.

It's a lot of work for you to do this all without emotion - treat it like a plan for buying carpet - zero emotion - or he'll get confused because he'll feel as though he's not reading the situation properly - more stress.

Good luck with him.    If you can get him sorted out and his brain back in the game, he'll be fine - it's just we absolutely cannot deal with uncertainty - and today's world is 100% uncertainty so he'll need help to make sense of his situation.

Children

Lulu over 4 years ago in reply to Plastic

Thank you Plastic, again for your wonderful advice. You have given me such hope that this can work. I'm aware I have a lot to learn too and that it's not all on him. Now I need to learn how to communicate with him without sending him in to overload.