Fear

Guess they can only help you if you let them. At the start of the pandemic we had a baby on the way, a mortgage to pay, and my partner got made redundant, so my body flared up hugely. The bleeding was constant. So I doubled the 5ASA meds, but it did nothing.

So I decided to take action. I stopped all meds, and started meditating, and introduced meat back into my diet. I slowly got better, and put on a stone (which I need to).

Recently the stress has been creeping back up with constant daily Dad duties without any family to support us close by, plus my manager put me on a big new project at work (which I requested not to before hand whilst having a newborn - was ignored).

Had my vaccine yesterday, so feel life is starting to move in the direction of hope a bit more. But certainly I need to slow down again. I always get sick as the demands increase. Been living and working from a bedroom for 12 months now, really bad on my head. But the light is starting to glimmer and soon I can move to an office again so today is a better day - even with a dead arm :)

I meditate twice a day, and have re-engaged with spiritual interests which bring me comfort and help me stay calm, but it's a marathon not a sprint (just wish industry would learn that).

How do you rationalise it all? I've listened to a lot of Alan Watts lectures before, his perspective on life is always a comfort you might also benefit from?

When first diagnosed they tried all the 5-ASA meds and found I'm dangerously intolerant of them all - worked up to Azathioprine - which wrecked my kidneys - went on to Cyclospiorine - cranked my blood pressure to 210/160 and developed viral encephalitis and almost died.    That left me with CFS and brain damage.    My trust in them ended there so I've been looking after myself since.

Unfortunately, I've also been under enormous external stress to keep going through the whole period that I wasn't able to walk away from so I gradually disintegrated over the years.    I've burned the candle so very brightly, fighting against my apparent destiny.       During the diagnosis of my cancer it was noted that i don't have a spleen - never had one - that could explain some of my strange body chemistry.

I still have too many things to get done before I'll agree to shuffle off this rock

I don't really rationalise it because it's a chaotic system - it can't be categorised so all I can do is make good decisions and live with honour.    Be good to people and 'do the right thing' - even if it is detrimental to my well being.

When first diagnosed they tried all the 5-ASA meds and found I'm dangerously intolerant of them all - worked up to Azathioprine - which wrecked my kidneys - went on to Cyclospiorine - cranked my blood pressure to 210/160 and developed viral encephalitis and almost died.    That left me with CFS and brain damage.    My trust in them ended there so I've been looking after myself since.

Unfortunately, I've also been under enormous external stress to keep going through the whole period that I wasn't able to walk away from so I gradually disintegrated over the years.    I've burned the candle so very brightly, fighting against my apparent destiny.       During the diagnosis of my cancer it was noted that i don't have a spleen - never had one - that could explain some of my strange body chemistry.

I still have too many things to get done before I'll agree to shuffle off this rock

I don't really rationalise it because it's a chaotic system - it can't be categorised so all I can do is make good decisions and live with honour.    Be good to people and 'do the right thing' - even if it is detrimental to my well being.