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Fear

JT

I seem to develop fear about so many things. Most of my fear comes from concern about what others think of me, colleagues or old friends, so I cut them out of my life to protect myself. This has meant I've been masking in social situations for 30 years and now I don't know how to be myself in the company of others. The biggest fear atm is the idea of a NT wedding, all the different people I know in one place with all the focus directed at me & partner. Do you feel the same? What would a ND friendly wedding consist of I wonder? How can I orchestrate an event I actually want to attend, because atm the groom would be a no-show.

Today I'm due to have my covid jab, so I am awake at 4am in fear of that experience. Worried I will be the one who gets really sick from it because I have IBD as well. Have you had yours yet?

Why am I so afraid of new experiences when I'm not sure if the outcome? It's torture.

Parents

  • That's a good point, not sure I've differentiated between them before. I've had anxiety my whole life, low level, with spikes that cause me big problems. But I'd say I see fear as being present in episodes as well. I dont mean to, but have offended people before since being a child upwards. So I've built up a fear there as I never mean to. As well as with becoming accutely ill, because of my IBD. When that's flaring up, man, I start to think about ways to stop the pain, and I've managed to keep myself away from choosing an abrupt ending so far, but the realities of chronic illness are of a downward tragectory generally so it's tough to battle back everytime it fires up

  • in reply to JT

    Been there - not done that - planned it many times in the early days when it was completely out of control - feeling sooooooo ill all the time while being forced to function to everyone else's' clock and just gradually spiralling down.    I've had the means for a quick solution handy - just in case.

    I'm lucky - I get fed up with dealing with the standard procedures so they let me self-medicate - my flares started over a few days from nothing to major blood loss - so booking me in to see the consultant 3 weeks from next Tuesday was not a lot of use - I would have been hospitalised in a few days.     They agreed to let me just deal with it myself - as I would begin to flare, I e-mailed the emergency nurses and let them know all my critical stats and go for a blood test and start the steroid path to recovery before I hit rock bottom.     I'd get a confirmation e-mail back in a few days.      I managed for 20 years without an admission to A&E.

    Unfortunately, I got so good at looking after myself, they got sloppy in their responsibilities and missed the cancer that's killing me.      I'm slightly miffed.      They've all *technically*, just about followed minimal guidelines so I can't sue them to oblivion.

    In my life I've had about 8 previous near-death close-calls - it's a bit like Final Destination.

    How are you managing?

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  • in reply to JT

    Been there - not done that - planned it many times in the early days when it was completely out of control - feeling sooooooo ill all the time while being forced to function to everyone else's' clock and just gradually spiralling down.    I've had the means for a quick solution handy - just in case.

    I'm lucky - I get fed up with dealing with the standard procedures so they let me self-medicate - my flares started over a few days from nothing to major blood loss - so booking me in to see the consultant 3 weeks from next Tuesday was not a lot of use - I would have been hospitalised in a few days.     They agreed to let me just deal with it myself - as I would begin to flare, I e-mailed the emergency nurses and let them know all my critical stats and go for a blood test and start the steroid path to recovery before I hit rock bottom.     I'd get a confirmation e-mail back in a few days.      I managed for 20 years without an admission to A&E.

    Unfortunately, I got so good at looking after myself, they got sloppy in their responsibilities and missed the cancer that's killing me.      I'm slightly miffed.      They've all *technically*, just about followed minimal guidelines so I can't sue them to oblivion.

    In my life I've had about 8 previous near-death close-calls - it's a bit like Final Destination.

    How are you managing?

Children
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