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My husband is autistic - help

married to someone with autism.

Hi everyone. I realised my husband is autistic over two years ago. We have been married for 8 years and having finally realised what is wrong it makes the whole situation worse. I now see the autism in practically everything he says and does. The strange gait, different accents, catastrophising, negativity and the constant fear of doing wrong is some of the hundreds of things he lives with every day and as a result I do too. I struggle every day living with him, and many many things depress me but could any one shed any light on the following:

Why doesn't keep in contact with his son, brother and family or friends? He will speak to them if they contact him, but he will never ring them himself. His parents died years ago as well as his younger brother who was also autistic, and he never ever mentions them - no childhood memories, nothing. I was at the funeral after his father died and he showed no emotion at all. it's like when someone isn't present in front of him, they don't exist any more. I really find  it hard to cope with as I am completely family orientated! TIA

  • I think you're measuring him from your own point of view - you want him to be 'normal' according to your version of normal.

    There's a lot of things you can do to make his life much easier - instead of 'you' and 'him', you could behave like a composite person where you both play to your strengths and help the other in their deficiencies.

    You could act as his social secretary and be the grease that gets everyone communicating regularly - you could talk through his world with him - we tend to over-process so try getting him to explain his thought processes - that way you can encourage him to be an open-thinker - he'll verbalise his thought process as it's happening so you are included and can make suggestions or solve dead-ends for him.

    We live in a world of hyper-stress - when overloaded, we can behave 'oddly' - so what can you do to de-stress him?     What interests or hobbies does he like that takes the pressure of the world away?   (I have Lego, models, museum visits etc)

    If you make the effort to step partly into his world, you'll find the results rewarding.     I'm aspie - married to an NT for over 30 years.

  • Do you have any relationship difficulties? I presume he has lived like this for the whole time you have been together, what makes it bother you now? 

    Expecting anyone to react the same as you, autistic or not, is never useful though. Everyone reacts differently to things. 

  • i'm quite bad at contacting my sister and her family as well.   Doesn't mean i don't think about them.  Thinking about this i would appreciate if my wife reminded me every so often to ring them.  My own family say that my mannerisms annoy them so i have started to try to act more normal for them.

  • You’re looking at the situation from YOUR perspective and not his. You don’t think or connect the same to situations or emotions etc, if you try and look at things in the way you would think, you’re going to end up frustrated. If he is autistic, he won’t think like you.. and that’s okay! He’s who he is and you can’t change that. It sounds like some research and education would help you feel a bit less alienated and also might help him to understand who he is in that respect and be okay with it. He’s not an alien, he’s just different from you and others perhaps. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.