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My husband is autistic - help

married to someone with autism.

Hi everyone. I realised my husband is autistic over two years ago. We have been married for 8 years and having finally realised what is wrong it makes the whole situation worse. I now see the autism in practically everything he says and does. The strange gait, different accents, catastrophising, negativity and the constant fear of doing wrong is some of the hundreds of things he lives with every day and as a result I do too. I struggle every day living with him, and many many things depress me but could any one shed any light on the following:

Why doesn't keep in contact with his son, brother and family or friends? He will speak to them if they contact him, but he will never ring them himself. His parents died years ago as well as his younger brother who was also autistic, and he never ever mentions them - no childhood memories, nothing. I was at the funeral after his father died and he showed no emotion at all. it's like when someone isn't present in front of him, they don't exist any more. I really find  it hard to cope with as I am completely family orientated! TIA

Parents

  • I'm autistic and have lost many friends from similar behaviour. I read about this recently as something called "relationship degradation". For a neurotypical, the relationship degrades if they don't engage in it and maintain it. For some neurodivergent people, they do not see the relationship as degrading when it is not actively maintained, so a year can pass with no activity and it will feel the same.

  • in reply to Embracingmyself

    Ooh I do that with my friendships. I just think of them like friendships in the background that I can dip in and out of. I've never thought of them as drifting apart. If I am ending a friendship I normally explicitly end it. 

  • in reply to M
    M said:
    If I am ending a friendship I normally explicitly end it. 

    Interesting.      I've never ended a relationship - apart from accidentally neglecting to keep in touch, i can't say I've ever consciously decided to break with someone.    I can't imagine how to do it without it feeling strange and somehow my fault......

  • in reply to Plastic

    I have been bullied but it has happened less and less into my adult life, but what I find is that I am often desperate to avoid conflict so occasionally end up trying to be too nice to people who really don't deserve my time. Even in primary school I tried to buy friendship with really horrible people by giving them my stuff, just to try and stop the nastiness for a little while. As an adult I don't feel I need this as much but I still ruminate on the idea that people may not like me for whatever reason. Usually because I can't keep my opinions to myself and I ask too many questions. 

  • in reply to M

    I've met plenty of toxic people in my life but I don't think I've ever knowingly had one as a friend.    I think they show their hand years before they will have bothered to get to know me.    They'd be bullying me before they made the friendship grade.  Smiley

Reply Children
  • in reply to Plastic

    I have been bullied but it has happened less and less into my adult life, but what I find is that I am often desperate to avoid conflict so occasionally end up trying to be too nice to people who really don't deserve my time. Even in primary school I tried to buy friendship with really horrible people by giving them my stuff, just to try and stop the nastiness for a little while. As an adult I don't feel I need this as much but I still ruminate on the idea that people may not like me for whatever reason. Usually because I can't keep my opinions to myself and I ask too many questions.