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Family issues with an autistic mother

NAS71663

My mother I suspect is on the autistic spectrum. She's in her 60s so has never been formally diagnosed but has many of the traits including rigid routines with major stress if they are deviated from, inflexibility of thought, almost obsessional interest in certain topics, not understanding jokes or sarcasm etc. but the most difficult one is an inability to recognise or understand anothers feelings or point of view. This has caused strife through my teenage years and I went through all the usual 'doesn't she love me' type questions and angst. Now happy and secure in myself I can see it for what it is but I'm struggling to communicate with her and we are growing further and further apart. This is especially heightened at the moment as my sister is pregnant and we can't have kids and she can't understand why I might be struggling with the news (she is well aware that we can't conceive just can't link that to what emotions we might be experiencing). Can anyone offer any tips on communication that might help?

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  • What do you want to communicate to her? 

  • in reply to M

    Finding a way to talk about the feelings of others in a way she can understand their viewpoint. On a more specific level how constantly asking me when I'm going to have children is upsetting and invasive. I fully appreciate given her age and lack of self awareness that it may be impossible but for my own mental health I have to try. She says some very hurtful things unintentionally.

  • in reply to NAS71663

    I'm not sure it is possible to make someone else have empathy for others, but what you are in control of is saying what you do or do not want to engage in conversation about. 

    The fact that you also know she isn't intentionally trying to hurt you or others suggests to me that you may be better off not engaging in an argument about it. She doesn't understand or care, and you are only going to get into a battle that you aren't going to win because she doesn't understand or care. 

    A lot of neurotypical people don't understand the hurtful comments they can make about fertility and pregnancy loss problems though. I lost my first daughter when I was 22 weeks pregnant and people said all sorts of insensitive things about it at the time. It is 8 years ago now so it isn't as often that she comes up in conversation now. Some people are also just horribly insensitive and lack emotional intelligence, autistic or not. 

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  • in reply to NAS71663

    I'm not sure it is possible to make someone else have empathy for others, but what you are in control of is saying what you do or do not want to engage in conversation about. 

    The fact that you also know she isn't intentionally trying to hurt you or others suggests to me that you may be better off not engaging in an argument about it. She doesn't understand or care, and you are only going to get into a battle that you aren't going to win because she doesn't understand or care. 

    A lot of neurotypical people don't understand the hurtful comments they can make about fertility and pregnancy loss problems though. I lost my first daughter when I was 22 weeks pregnant and people said all sorts of insensitive things about it at the time. It is 8 years ago now so it isn't as often that she comes up in conversation now. Some people are also just horribly insensitive and lack emotional intelligence, autistic or not. 

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