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Dating an adult with Autism

NAS71542

Hi there, 

I am currently in a relationship with an individual with high functioning autism and now a year into our relationship, we seem to have hit a bit of a roadblock. 

As they have grown more comfortable with me, my partner has naturally begun to unmask, which I love! I would hate to be someone they have to pretend around and it means a lot that they trust me enough to let their guard down. However, the most recent development is more complicated than anything before and I am hoping to find guidance on how to navigate it.  

My partner was non-verbal until the age of six. Now 21, they are fully capable of conversation and thrive socially. Recently though, they've voiced to me that they feel as through their non-verbal tendencies are resurfacing. I can feel them growing distant and they've told me they prefer to be quiet with me rather than engage in conversation. 

I really want to respect that and be there for them as I have in the past. However, I also know that I personally require frequent connection. I am very anxiety driven and need reassurance that I am allowed to exist in a space. Sitting in silence for extended periods can become uncomfortable for me, especially when I am not aware it is happening until I finish telling a story a realize they didn't hear a word of it. 

How do I balance my needs while also respecting the fact that they have autism-driven needs as well? I feel guilty for not being able to just sit with them while they exist internally all the time. Is it fair to ask them to be present with me more frequently? 

  • I get quieter in relationships and it's a sign of my ease and contendedness. It bothered my last partner who got anxious until he went on holiday with me and my three siblings and saw how quiet, and content, we all were. His anxiety realky reduced.

    There's couples books out there for mixed AS NT relationships to work these things through. But also sometimes however much we love someone our insecurities can make us incompatible. Often the way through this is not for you to get less anxious (there'll be a limit to how much you can), or for them to get chattier (again there's limits), but to find strategies that suit both: they lie down in bed for quiet, you phone friends, you cuddle in silence whilst you waTch tv and they zone out. Relationships are a lot about learning not to be triggered by partners filling their needs which you can interpret as them not loving you enough.

  • NAS71542 said:
    they are fully capable of conversation and thrive socially.

    Not necessarily - they may be in mask-overload - joining in and doing the approved thing but it's unbelievably draining - I know - I do it.

    There's also the chance that something else is happening for them so they're slightly overloading - is their work ok or are they starting to find the edges and limits of their abilities?

    As we get older, our worlds get exponentially more difficult and complicated and stressful - are they able to be *really* open with you no matter how embarrassed or shameful they're feeling?

  • It's fair to ask, but it's not fair to expect.

    I would ask for an open conversation which won't be easy for them regarding why they think their non-verbal tendencies are resurfacing because I would be concerned that this may be something else like depression (anxiety/depression in common in high functioning autism)

    Also you may want to learn to be able to tell the story without needing a response, I commonly am having a quiet period and suddenly realising my partner is talking and I have no idea about what or how long for. You need to talk, my partner needs to vent about work usually, they can talk to me and get it off their chest whilst I can remain quiet - at least you know you won't be interrupted. In seriousness it is a middle ground like everything is a relationship, sometimes they will have to be present and sometimes you will have to endure the quiet