Masking

The idea of a mask is something I connect with a little too easily - I read RD Laing's the divided self at university and that book made much more sense to me beyond an intellectual curiosity. It wasn't written with autism in mind - but the idea of constructing a "false self" to navigate the world unsettled me a bit-- because I realised that's what I was doing. 

I'm going to vote both (although reading @aidie 's reference I think I've more or less done all those during my time on this earth)   I noticed for a while at work how I used to slip into a "role" in certain social situations. It's as if part of me was saying "I'm in the role of the cynical one here so I'm going to say X". Growing up I had no sense of self or identity so I'd imitate the outlook I saw by characters on television - sometimes reciting lines word for word when I thought they fitted. Getting older and into music it was less about identifying with a group who shared similar interests - although that was part of it - but it was more about adopting a whole persona with which to relate to the rest of the world. 

I suppressed a lot of what I thought and felt at the time (then occasionally there'd be an "outburst") and I pretty much followed that routine as I got older. I know everyone puts on a bit of a front in social situations or everyday work interactions but I seemed to do that far to often with far to many people. If a situation that was novel, unpredictable or out of my control, presented myself I'd either avoid it or exhaust myself trying to keep together through it. I also waited for the other person to initiate a conversation, then I'd try and figure them out and "fit in" with the conversation.  

I've opportunity now to share with a work colleague some of my struggles in the context of understanding how I'm different and why certain things are more challenging than others so more of "me" is coming through. Over time I think that'll make things easier. I'm also becoming more aware of situations which will be challenging for me which I'll need to work out strategies to navigate. I doubt I'll ever get to a place of being a social butterfly, or having a relationship with someone but I'd like to think I can move beyond acquaintance and colleague to relationships rooted more in friendship. Although I'd sooner surround myself with animals - when I retire I'll probably adopt a load of cats to live out my days.

I'm getting there, occasionally I've picked up on a social  cue and explored it - sometimes I've missed it entirely (mainly because there were other competing demands in the situation so my focus is elsewhere). Sometimes I've spoken out and been a little too blunt. I feel out of my depth a lot and I think people are coming to understand I'm just not socially motivated and that if they share things with me I'm more likely to want to offer advice to "fix" the problem than be an empathetic listener. 

Hi, Ethan, thanks for sharing all of that. You sound thoughtful and strong. 

Elizabeth

Thanks Elizabeth. Read your post.... that line about other people being inefficient.... right there with you  Hoping I'll reach that flow state.... although I'm always happier expressing myself in writing than face to face with other people. 

Thanks Elizabeth. Read your post.... that line about other people being inefficient.... right there with you  Hoping I'll reach that flow state.... although I'm always happier expressing myself in writing than face to face with other people.